Nurture

[Faith Augustin]

83rd Ymiden, 717

just after this happens

Faith was sitting up in their bed, knees pulled up and a book on her legs. Padraig was asleep next to her, his arm around her and she looked down at him and watched. Just watched, for a few bits. His eyes moved quickly beneath his lids, indicating that he was dreaming and Faith felt a swell of emotion as he smiled in his sleep and pulled himself closer to her. Her hand moved and gently stroked his hair, just for a moment. "I love you," she whispered. It was strange how she found saying those words so hard normally. Not because she didn't feel it, they both knew that. Just because the depth of emotion she felt threatened to wash her away in a tidal wave and she had to function.

Lowering her head to the journal in front of her, perched there on her knees, Faith looked at the blank page and she wondered what to write.

To Do List

Buy books.
Room. Make a room into a nursery.
Make a crib
Blankets ~ wool and fabric
Clothes ~ make them, warm for Cyrus.
Changing table.

How many? When? We actually have all the time of a pregnancy, so we can plan better.

They would be prepared for this baby and they would make sure that there was everything that they could possibly need. Faith didn't doubt that, because that was doing and she could do. It was organising, and she could organise.

But.

Everything before the 'but' was meaningless, so she believed in trial-by-trial life. Everything before the 'but' was sugar coating. So, she needed to think about this, because she was sure that there was a but, yet she couldn't currently give it voice. Because Padraig would be an excellent father, Cyrus a wonderful grandfather. Katie would be a flurry of love and glitter. Everyone who their child would come in contact with, each of their people, they would be a source of love for the baby. Faith knew that, she was sure of it.

But what would she be?

[Faith Augustin]

There was the big fear, of course. The fear of Aelig and what he had done to them before. That fear, though, it was there and it was out in the open. It was even a logical fear, she knew that. It was the others, the smaller terrors which seemed so very logical also. They were, after all sensible things to worry about.

She had no frame of reference for this.

Yet, there were so many things which she had no frame of reference for and she had to admit that they were working out quite well. Soon enough, she'd be Padraig's wife in name as much as she was in all ways already. Her relationship with Cyrus was a source of quiet delight for Faith; she wondered if this was what having a father was like. He was kind and stern, focused on the two of them. These were things which Faith had believed she would never know; yet she had a life beyond anything which she could have dreamed.

And it wasn't just them.

She was in this relationship, each one of them in fact, and she was managing it. Padraig was happy and he loved her; Cyrus and Katie were content, Luna was getting there. Even Faith could no longer deny that she was doing well at the University and the restaurant was doing excellently. Each of those things had other people involved, but she wouldn't deny that they were hers.

She could learn, she knew that. Her hands moved on the parchment, writing carefully as she thought and considered. She considered practicalities, things which were almost second nature to her and she thought about her nature.

Things to talk about

When do we tell people?
What do I do about work ~ Scalvoris is specific about pregnant women.
Same about study? ~ should I talk to Dean Manyon? When?
Volunteering at the Order
Cally's These are practical things. We can organise them. But we need to talk about how we manage the pregnancy and how we manage the baby.

Random thought: I'm a twin. So was my mother.

Her mother.

The woman who had given birth to her. Faith knew as she wrote that there, there was the issue. Her parents had given her up, sold her. Handed her over to a slaver, sobbing as she did so and those tears had stopped as they counted the money. She was the twin sold in to slavery because her father had chosen her.

She was the one on the left.

Disease was genetic, there were instances of it in families going down through generations. Twins and multiple births happened in patterns. Her subject at the university had been born from a recognition of patterns. Formulaic and predictable.

Would she be the sort of parent her own had been?

Was there a biological inevitability to that? She had been willing to give away her baby previously, if it was what was best for the child. Could that be what her parents had thought? Had they genuinely believed it was better for her? Her father had simply chosen one of them with a cold detachment which she recognised in herself sometimes. In her, it was discipline and control. In him?

Was that her nature?

[Faith Augustin]

That was the big question for her. She looked like her parents, she knew that. Her mother's stature and hair, her father's eyes. Did she have mannerisms like them? She didn't know and for herself she simply didn't care. But for this child? She had to consider it. Had to put it in the cold light of the trial and look at it.

The decisions her parents had made had been, Faith recognised, horrific. They had been selfish and self-absorbed. It wasn't the not being wanted which bothered her, for all she knew there were all sorts of reasons for that and Faith couldn't make a judgement. But when she had been faced with that as an option, in Rharne, her options had been about what was best for the child. Selling it, that had never been an option; not for either of them.

Plus, this child was wanted. They had discussed it, considered it and planned it.

How strange that Aelig's messing and their loss should make them so very sure. They were, she knew. They both were. There were no doubts in her mind about this, about it being right for them. She just needed to clarify, to put niggling doubts out in the open and look at them.

Frivolous Things / Important!

Toys
One of those things that hang over cribs and swing about
Decorations for walls.
Books. Book ends.
Songs. Singing
Rituals and routines. We need to think about those.

Faith frowned slightly and that expression turned to a smile as Padraig shifted against her, his arm tightening around her. There was no doubting whose child this was, there was no sped up pregnancy, there was just the two of them starting their family.

No, it wasn't even that. It was the two of them continuing and growing their family. They already were, after all.

That was true, and she had to admit it. She was already someone's wife and friend, student and professor, medic and business owner. She had done all of these things and he had walked alongside her each step. She was free of the slavers, free of the brands and she was free of not knowing her parents.

The girl in the mirror was right, Faith realised. She wasn't Nardovino. She never had been.

[Faith Augustin]

Sitting there, on their bed in the darkness of the last trial of the season, breaks before the dawn which would bring with it a second sun and blot out the stars for forty trials, breaks before they woke to the nineteenth first of Saun since the one where she had come into the world, yet the first birthday she would ever celebrate, Faith smiled.

She wasn't her parents.

She didn't know them and she didn't wish to. Whilst she was sure that her mother was dead, she did not know about her father and she recognised, there, that she did not care. She was free. Free of Athart, Jamal, Tristan and her own doubts. Vri had blessed her with knowledge of her life, every memory from the first was open to her. Every decision she had made and every torture she had endured were laid bare to her.

There was nowhere to hide.

Yet, she didn't want to hide. Why would she? All of her life she had sought to be the best she could and to do the best she could. There had been mistakes and slips, there were fears and insecurities, but she had always done her best. She would do that here, in this circumstance. This child would be loved, adored by both parents. This child would grow in a family who loved each other and who were not afraid to show it.

At birth, her own worth had been three hundred gold nell. This child was priceless, no amount of money would ever convince her to allow harm to come to anyone.

Now-Next-Then

Now:
Decide a room. Make or buy furniture. (crib, changing table, wardrobe, drawers)
Decide a theme / decoration. Stars? Suns and stars? (paint, curtains, wall hangings, art)
Start making blankets & clothes
Talk about how to handle work, when to tell people. Sort out work.
Talk about my studies. I finish my Charter in Vhalar. Licentiate takes me to Ashan - baby due in Cylus. Put it on hold?

Next:
Make clothes for me
Wedding dress!?
Keep making needed things - blankets, bedding, clothes.
Also - toys, hanging over the crib thing, things like the windmill in the garden, but in the house?
Start talking about how we do this once the baby is here.
Buy books, make books. Musical instruments? Could I learn one?

Then:
Keep making things - all the way through - make in increasing size for baby.
Prepare / talk about birth.

There would be bumps along the road, Faith did not doubt. Yet, she'd made an important realization this evening. That realization was that she was herself; she was as free of the past she did not remember as she was of the one she did. Vri had given her that gift and Faith lowered her head in prayer as she gave thanks to the Immortal for the love she was surrounded by.

She knew herself and she knew him. More than that, she knew them together and Faith looked down at her hands. There was no worry to put in them, she recognized with a smile. Not about this, it had worked through in her head and now she was clear. Whatever her parents were, or had been, she was not.

Being a mother, still, was something she had no frame of reference for. Just like being in love. Being a wife. Being free. Yet she had done and continued to do those things and this? Being a mother? Well, they'd work it out together and hopefully, she thought with a smile, their child would be forgiving.

Having worked out what she needed to work out in order to quieten her head sufficiently for sleep, Faith put the notebook in her bedside cabinet drawer, blew out the candle and snuggled down into their bed. Curling into his arms, sleep took her almost immediately, now that her mind had stopped worrying at something which didn't need to be worried at.

[Pash Raj'oriq]

Thread Rewards

Faith

Skill Knowledge:
N/A

Other Knowledge:
N/A

Loot: N/AInjuries: N/A
Fame: N/A
Devotion: Vri +2 (declare love)

Points: 10 | These points cannot be used for magic.

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Comments:
Thank you for this little personal read into Faith’s busy brain. She’s so organized and keen on working things through in her own very unique way. I will admit that I have never once written such detailed lists for any of my child-bearing moments in history. Nope nope.

If you see anything I’ve missed or have a question, please feel free to drop me a PM!

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