• Mature • Guardian, part 1

[Symbri]

Ymdin 4th 717th Cycle

We mortals must stick together, was this such a hard tenant to comprehend. Symbri knew the city was polarized, Mortals against Immortal, but that was wrong… It had to be. To brand the immortals entirely as the enemy was like saying all people were by nature evil. Evil was a taint that none were immune to. In her mind it was the Cities greatest weakness, If a time came like when Faldrun had laid waste to her home, a place like etzos that spurned the immortals would have no equal to an enemy like that, no Illaren to save them no Xiur to rebuild. No… this city would surely be doomed eventually.

Then there were the issues of man against man, so easy it was for fear to cloud judgement and create friction from nothing. The Etzori were a proud, but fearful people, that which was different from them was the enemy, it was them against the world. This ideology had made them string, and yet it was a weakness that would eventually cripple them. There had been tales recently of men made into monsters, those of the underground had changed, transformed. Some grew extra eyes or arms, or any number of oddities. It was like something out of a fairytale perhaps, the monster men that come from beneath the city. However, life was no fairytale, and if these rumors were true then more power was at play that the Etzori lacked a divine answer to. These were the things the young woman thought about as she cleaned her small courtyard, sweeping away the collective dust she meditated on the days events, her smattering of students kept her informed of the goings on within the city. It was rare that good news reached her ears. By the time she reached the end of her day the sun was already so low in the sky that the walls blotted all out but the residual light of dusk. Symbri could feel the fisrt stars twinkling above her, it was almost an intimate experience her skin tingles as the small scratches and wear and tear on her skin tingled as the starlight kissed her weary flesh.

Then she heard it, footsteps hurriedly making their way past the nearby alley then there were more, louder tromping footsteps that quickly pursued the first pair. Curses and angry words melded with the pursuing force. Slipping out of the courtyard Symbri Eyed the group closing in on the alley, Taking off after them Symbri followed, her footsteps clouded by the rabble she followed, what was it that they could be after at this hour, it looked more like a ragtag group of brawlers than military or militia. Though that didn’t make them any less dangerous. The smell of alcohol echoed in their passing wake. Stepping around the corner to look into the alley her suspicions were confirmed, a figure was surrounded by the group, raucous laughter echoed out as one of the drunkards placed a kick into whoever it was they had surrounded.
A sickening feeling built up in the pit of the woman’s stomach, to attack someone who could not fight back was a cruelty that none deserved. Stepping into the alley Symbri approached quickly not even trying to mask her approach. She detested violence. But to end violence, more violence is often necessary. One of the men in the back of the group turned in time to see her coming. He was the first to fall. Not holding herself back her even temperament for a moment forgotten to her own blind rage. His nose made a sickening crack as Symbri lodger her elbow into it. He didn’t even make a sound as he fell. The other four however made an uproar as they faced the women in the alley, she didn’t have time to be patient, and she knew that she’d started a fight she couldn’t allow them to run from. They all needed to go down, not dead hopefully, but unable to tell a story.

A large fist flew at her from her side aimed for her temple. Leaning back Symbri caught the appendage and Bringing her own elbow down she dislocated the man’s arm at the elbow with a sickening pop, the tendons in the joint snapping with the motion. It was not however loud enough to cover up the sound of the other man’s fist connecting with her ribs. Symbri hissed in pain as She let the one man go to cradle his arm. The man had hit her hard, but in turn had knocked himself off balance in his drunkenness. Grabbing the man’s shoulder Symbri pulled him to her as she leapt forward slamming her knee into his jaw. It hurt her knee, but from the sound the man’s jaw made, he felt it a lot worse than she had.
Two were down now, one was injured but two still remained and they were closing fast. Symbri cursed herself for not keeping track of all of them. Even if they were just drunken fools to overestimate herself could be her undoing. She had to win though, those who were cowards, who teamed up against the weak; they were her enemies, the embodiment of all she detested, utter subhuman scum. She turned to face them her normally composed face given over to fury, she’d protect the victim, not because she thought they were innocent, but because it was the right thing to do!

[Symbri]

Fast thinking was perhaps not the woman’s Strongest suit, no amount of training could prepare a human for the variable of actual combat and for a moment she thought she was frozen as her opponents closed on her. Leaping back Symbri vaulted to the right and kicked off of the dirty alley wall next to her with enough force to propel her over her opponents head. It was a trick she’d picked up last season but it was a first for seeing it in actual combat.

She landed hard now behind the two that had charge and next to the man that was cradling his arm. Dodging the injured man's clumsy blow as he turned and swung at her Symbri Swept her leg under the man knocking his feet from under him and bringing his head to rest on the ground with a resounding crack. Two left, one of the two unphased by his initial failure was again running at her arms swinging like a berserker. Using her low stance to her advantage Sym matched his attack by going under his fist and using the man’s own momentum to his detriment. Grabbing him by his shirt while still moved Symbri pulled him towards her while bringer her second arm around to catch him right in the groin and lift him right over her and throw him into the ground behind her. It wasn’t an act of strength but momentum, even the weakest person with technique could use an opponent’s force against them. The man’s blind rage might’ve been his strength, but Symbri had made it her own, a tenant of martial arts she strived to live to.

Her moment of Serenity in battle was immediately taken however by a piece of wood colliding with her skull, It rocked her whole world as she froze for a few seconds her brain trying to stop bouncing around in her skull and return order to her as her body buckled. IT HURT!!!! Turning shakily to face the last man, the man who’d thrown it Symbri grimaced, she couldn’t see her own face, but the man could and what he saw apparently frightened him enough that it combined with seeing his for comrades getting taken down had him turning the other direction. Shakily stepping after him Symbri ran at him her shoulder slamming hard into a wall in her shaken state but hardly slowing her down. Catching the man at the end of the alley she dove catching one of his ankles and sending him face first into the ground. He tried to callout for help but was silenced by his skull being slammed into the ground as Symbri pushed his face into the ground hard, one, two, and three times before the man went limp.
Then she wretched, between her abhorrence of violence and the deed she’d done and her own aching head her stomach emptied itself onto the ground beside her. Wiping her face Symbri swallowed back the remaining gorge inside her. Her work wasn’t done not yet and she had someone to help. The small Figure was still huddled in the alley a pair of gleaming eyes watched from under a dark hood.

“Wh-who are you?”

Came a small voice, blessedly the only sound in the still night.

[Symbri]

Perhaps her visage was grisly, she hoped it wasn’t but she’d seen the man run, and worse yet, she’d pursued him. She thought she could hear ragged breathing from her down opponents in the alley, but the ringing in her ears made it hard to tell. She wasn’t a murderer, she was a guardian… right? The thought alone made her want to wretch again but she bit back the desire. Feeling the back of her head she could feel the warm presence running down the back of her head and neck. The stars were still out, but that initial boost of stamina and healing was already waning and she knew the wound wouldn’t fully heal for another day at best. However her aches and pains were waylaid by the fact that more important things were at hand. The figure was still eyeing her as she shakily approached.

Maybe they really were afraid, she didn’t know… she’d come in to save them… but if her own assault had sickened her, she couldn’t imagine what it would look like to an bystander. Holding her hand out to the figure Symbri pulled a disingenuous smile trying to reassure the person before her.

“Can you get up? Can you walk, are you… are you hurt badly?”

The figure shook it head and reached out it’s hand to take hers, but the moment dim light caught their hand they with drew it quickly before shakily rising on their own. Maybe she’d taken a harder hit than she’d thought. Then without warning the urchin bolted glancing back only to let loose a muted “thanks” before disappearing into the night. If she hadn’t been in pain already she might’ve chased after the figure. As it was she clutched a rib that was either bruised or broken and began an arduous limp home. It dawned on her as she walked that she’d just beaten five drunks senseless for the sake of someone she didn’t know, and…. And it was one of the Mutant’s she’d heard about too boot. Was that really a wise decision on her part. She’d always been happy to fight for the weak, it was tenant she didn’t plan to abandon, but… these were mutants, and supposedly public menaces as well… Shaking her head the woman sighed and chuckled mirthlessly, cursing when the action set of a stabbing pain in her side.

“hehe… to think that I’m not the only freak in this city… I’ll.. I’ll have to investigate them… later definitely later… ow Xiur... Qylios... If you can here me I could use some pointers, I dunno what i'm doin here...Hopefully it's the right thing.”


(Graders note, the Mutant I meet tonight is going to be a plot element for future threads so any lores specific to them would be nice, I didn't give ya too much to go on, but Sym doesn't have much to go on either. Anyways thanks)

[Nymph]

REWARDS

SYMBRI

• Knowledge:
  • Meditation: The Etzori and Their Beliefs
  • Unarmed Combat: Violence may be Necessary to End Violence
  • Unarmed Combat: Breaking Nasal Cartilage
  • Unarmed Combat: Skull to Stone Equals Death
  • Endurance: Persevering through Injury
  • Etzos: Mutants on the Rise
  Loot: None
  Injuries:
  • Given the punch you took to your side, you will have 1-3 rib contusions. These should heal in approximately 14 trials. Take it easy. Bruising tends to get worse before it gets better and will make it painful on that side when breathing.
  • Due to taking a block of wood to the head, you have sustained a head injury and mild concussion. The bleeding will stop quickly, but you should have that laceration treated. Stitches will probably be necessary and heal within 10-14 trials. You will experience moderate to severe headaches over the next 1-2 trials. If you fall asleep, there is a chance you do not wake up. Vision may go in and out due to swelling in the brain impinging on the ocular nerves.
  • Bruising: There will be significant bruising to the knuckles and knees where you used your body to inflict damage on the other men. These bruises should be gone in 7-10 trials.
  Fame: -20 (Murdered a Man)
  
  Story: 3/5
  Collaboration: 0/5
  Structure: 3/5

- - - - - - -

Comments: This thread was lacking structurally. I would ask that when you write to give it a once over to ensure that you are using grammar and punctuation appropriately. I have provided an example to show you exactly what I mean.

We mortals must stick together, was this such a hard tenant to comprehend. Symbri knew the city was polarized, Mortals against Immortal, but that was wrong… It had to be. To brand the immortals entirely as the enemy was like saying all people were by nature evil. Evil was a taint that none were immune to. In her mind it was the Cities greatest weakness, If a time came like when Faldrun had laid waste to her home, a place like etzos that spurned the immortals would have no equal to an enemy like that, no Illaren to save them no Xiur to rebuild. No… this city would surely be doomed eventually.

!

Message from: Nymph

We mortals must stick together. Was this such a hard tenant to comprehend. Symbri knew the city was polarized, Mortals against Immortals, but that was wrong... It had to be. To brand the Immortals entirely as the enemy was like saying all people were by nature evil. Evil was a taint that none were immune to. In her mind, it was the city's greatest weakness. If a time came like when Faldrun had laid waste to her home, a place like Etzos that spurned the Immortals would have no equal to an enemy like that. No Ilaren to save them; no Xiur to rebuild. No... this city would surely be doomed eventually.

The portions that are highlighted in red are inappropriate uses of capitalization or punctuation for the most part. The portions in blue can stay the same. These are things I acknowledge can be a form of style per writer; however, I tend to use ellipses in conversation. The first section in blue might be better place to use dashes (-). This is an excerpt I think best explains sentence splicing.

When writers use a period between two sentences, they are providing the highest degree of separation. The colon, semicolon and dash give a medium degree of separation and add meaning for the reader: the colon anticipates explanation—it indicates, in other words, that the clause following it explains the one preceding it; the semicolon lets readers know that there is a logical connection between the two clauses; and the dash makes the readers stop because the clause following it is emphasized.

I have deducted two points from structure for the severity throughout the thread. I hope that the above examples help you improve in future threads. I do not tend to dock points in the next 2-3 threads given that I have just informed you of these errors. Please let me know if there are other structural components I can help you with.

The next comment I wish to make is on the combat itself. You are a competent unarmed combatant. I believe you played at that skill level in this fight, which I appreciate. You also played at your skill level for acrobatics. You do not play at appropriate skill level given your strength (0/251). Although you take into consideration some items such as movement speed to flip a man over you, it would still be very difficult to do without some amount of strength. I also noted that the dislocation of the elbow probably did not occur. Given the way I expect that his struck and that Symbri brought her elbow down, the victim's arm would have bent naturally to prevent a dislocation. Dislocations generally happen during a fall when the radius pops back and up from its communication with the humerus.

Please see the injuries list in reference to your assumption that the wound was healing at that rate. Based on your character sheet, you do not have any marks or magics that would cause expedited healing. The body takes time to recover and Symbri is only a mere mortal at this time.

If you feel I've missed anything or if you have questions about your review, please don't hesitate to send me a quick PM. Thank you!