[Lattarsh] Broken Routine

[Celeste Andaris]

91st Ashan, 718

They had been in the Inn for thirty trials. Tessa and the children slept in the room which belonged to Xander, it was his room. Yet she slept in the bed, he slept on the chair, which he propped up against the door. Tessa didn't like that, not one bit, but she didn't argue with him - not about anything. He said that he slept there, that was what he did. She'd asked him, a few trials after they got there, if she could maybe have some clothes for the babies. She didn't know needlecraft, she'd told him, but she'd learn if he wanted her to. He'd seemed a little surprised, Tessa thought, when she pointed out that the money she'd picked up from Benji's house was there, she'd put it on the desk for him. It was obvious that Tessa was very used to simply handing over her money.

But he'd bought her clothes, her and the babies and she'd thanked him. Tessa worked hard to be polite, to not get in his way. She found it challenging, not cooking for him - for them. His room - their room, she supposed, but it was his - was kept pristine and she tried to not be a bother. When he wanted to talk, she spoke with him, but when he didn't she kept quiet. Ala'ni called her Mama and Tessa had grown uncommonly fond of the little girl. Fiercely so, she realised. She referred to herself as Mama in front of her. She was pleased that the little girl so obviously needed her and wanted her.

Because Tessa was coming to the conclusion that no one else did.

Xander had told her, clearly and honestly, that he would look after her no matter what, but that he had no idea how he felt about her. Tessa thought that if they had that conversation now, it would be clear - she irritated him. She didn't mean to and she didn't entirely understand how, but she knew that she did. It was confusing and difficult and she felt both trapped and as though was a burden to them. To Xander, to Torqin.

The nightmares didn't help.

As time wore on, as the bruises on her body faded, Tessa started to experience nightmares about the life they had saved her from. She woke, screaming and begging for it to stop. Judging by the things which she muttered as she thrashed and struggled against unseen foes in her sleep -if only half of them were only half true, she had endured hell and was very probably in dire need of therapy. If Xander offered any comfort when she woke, then she sobbed and held on to him. If he didn't, then each night she curled into a ball and sobbed quietly in her bed.

She apologised for it, suggested that she should sleep in a room on her own. It wasn't good, she said, for Ala'ni to hear that and it upset the little girl. He'd discovered by now that she apologised a lot - for things which were not even vaguely to do with her, but which might aggravate him. Sudden movements made her flinch and in thirty trials she hadn't asked to leave the room. Outside was a scary place and there were people who might take her away from him. People who might hurt her.

Every trial, they talked. It was a routine they had gotten into and Tessa knew that it wasn't because he wanted to talk to her. It was because he wanted her to stop being her - to remember that she was Celeste Andaris. Ala'ni believed it, Xander did and so did Torqin, but Tessa understood it not at all. She had no knowledge of this person existing and she'd been a slave to the Andaris family all her life.

"Maybe," she said, laying on the floor and looking up at him. "I mean, who do you think did this?" She spoke more slowly, trying not to sound common and coarse; she irritated him when she did. "Benji had jus' sent me to Mr James. I was gonna.. goin' to work for him. He owns brothels and his stable is high price whores. I was going to have training." That wasn't something she'd mentioned before, it didn't seem like the kind of thing he'd want to know. But something occurred to her, "I was also gonna be collectin' information on the rich clients. He's got a lot of brothels, his stable is full of girls. Benji was well pleased, it's the big name." Shrugging slightly, she wondered as she looked up at him. "Who did this and why?" That might lead them somewhere, after all.

Maybe.

[Xander Andaris]

The had been in the Inn for 30 trials and in all honesty Xander wasn't sure they were any closer to finding a solution, every route he had taken seemed to be a dead end. Every day they had talked and discussed small things about what she remembered and the true events yet nothing had seemed to click in her head. It was like trying to break down the city gates with naught but a toothpick for a battering ram. Still he had not given up yet, 30 trials was nothing compared to the time he had put into building their relationship and he would spend at least that long trying to restore the memories of those trials.

Still clearly things were not quite right with Tessa, she would have nightmares much like he once did about his father's actions. The guilt had wormed into his mind back then and played on his subconscious while he slept. This was different for her though, these were not nightmares due to a mistake she made but due to the horrors Benji and the people who had paid for her had enacted upon her. He barely slept these days keeping a watchful gaze over his family while listening to her murmurs until she woke in fear. He struggled to comfort her when this happened but he did his best holding her in his strong arms but unable to find any words.

The truth was that she did irritate him and he hated that, to feel as if the woman he loved was annoying and yet he felt it. Perhaps it was her cleaning or her constant stream of apologies, either way it got on his nerves. He appreciated apologies but when they were for naught it was pointless. Xander supposed she did it out of fear, afraid to be hurt for doing something wrong apparently it hadn't fully sunk in that he would do her no harm.

"I know who took you from Andaris, the issue is why here and why to Benji? Unfortunately we can't get an answer to that question from him, he was in no position to help us there." The wolf was still angry that Torqin had showed so little self control, even just a little restraint would have left them in a position to at least ask. "You were taken by a group called the webspinners, they are lead by an Immortal names Sintra." Xander wondered why she was laying on the floor when there was a perfectly good bed just over by the wall.He quickly ignored the thought as it was irrelevant but it still lingered as he sat in the chair cradling Zara in his arms.

He smiled down at the baby as he offered her his finger to hold onto. Xander then looked back over to Tessa, without the bruises she held much more resemblance to his lover. "Simple crime gangs seem bellow the interest of such a group, however, it is possible they know something more about Benji." Xander ran his tongue over his teeth as he thought about it. "There must be a reason he was chosen and why he would want you to go to Mr James, either way he is not a good man by the sounds of things perhaps he deserves a visit from me and Torqin." The human battering ram was a valuable asset Xander had decided and for as long as Tessa or Celeste was on Xander's side he was sure the man would support him.

"Webspinners are hard to come by, they hide in plain sight and they are almost indistinguishable from your everyday person." The ex-noble gently tickled under the babe's chin as he continued to speak. "I suppose that is there greatest strength they are not easy prey to hunt, building their webs and hiding in the corners in wait." Xander pushed his hair back on his head and stood, carrying Zara over to the window and looking out onto the street. He had grown somewhat paranoid these trials. "I should probably follow up on this Mr James then I suppose, he might be useful." Xander rocked Zara in his arms as she began to let out the beginnings of a cry, swaying to try and calm her.

[Celeste Andaris]

91st Ashan, 718

Tessa looked at him and she bit back a sigh. Instead, she listened to him as he told her why she had been taken. Or, rather, who had taken her. She didn't know why, but she thought that he did. He just didn't tell her, didn't bother telling her and why would he? Tessa was growing more and more unhappy by the trial and as much as she wanted to stay safe, as much as she felt calm around Xander, his treatment of her was such that she was fairly sure that she was going to have to leave. She didn't want to, she was afraid, but this slow building of irritation and aggression, she knew where it led or believed she did. But he loved the children and they, him.

It was impossible and Tessa didn't know what to do. So she grew more unhappy and quieter, she apologised more and cleaned and tried to be useful and everything she did just irritated him more. She didn't know what he wanted from her, didn't know why he was angry with her like he was.

"Did I do something?" Tessa asked, thoughtfully. "What did I do to them, I mean. Why did they do this?" He knew, she was sure and she lay on her stomach and looked up at him with serious brown eyes. He hadn't bothered to tell her, probably because he didn't think her clever enough to work it out, but that notwithstanding, she wanted to know. Getting up from where she was laying down, she moved over to check on Katherine, but she was still fast asleep. Tessa then looked at the bed and back to him. "You could try an' get some sleep, you know. We aren't goin' anywhere. Unless you want us to."

But he might go and speak to Mr James? Because he might be useful? Tessa frowned slightly. "Well, at least one of us would be of some use to you, then. Good for him." Her voice was snippy, irritated and she tried to build up her courage to say what she thought she needed to say. "Would it jus' be better for you if I left? You don't want me here, I know you don't. You can barely look at me 'alf the time an' I don't know what I've done, but I've obviously done it an'.. " Her head was thumping and Tessa lifted a hand to rub her temple, a frown creasing her brow.

Shaking her head slightly, she gestured around the room. "An' this is wrong. This isn't us, an' it isn't me! It's not right, an' I'm tired. I've lived with angry men who don't want me around all my life, Xander. Not even Peake kept me in one room and glared at me. What do you want? I'm trying to be who you want me to be but I don't KNOW HER!" As Katherine started to cry, Tessa moved over and picked up her daughter, soothing her even as the pain in her head grew. "This is all wrong. It's all wrong, an' it isn't who I am. It's not right. I'm not doing this and you damn well can't make me. So don't you even try, Xander Krome." Her frown was deep as her irritation but she calmed the baby and put her hand to her head. Looking down at Katherine, Tessa sighed.

"I'm sorry," she said, quietly. "It's just.. I don't know what it is. I'm sorry." Calming as she looked at her daughter's face, Tessa felt the headache recede and felt nothing except confused at what she had just expressed. "I don't mean it. Please, sir. Xander. Please, I'm sorry. I jus' got a 'eadache, is all." What that was about, Tessa really didn't know.

"I could introduce you to Mr James if you wanted," she said, looking at him hoping that he wasn't angry with her. "He'll know tha' Benji's dead now, so we could pretend that you're my new... I'm yours, now. I mean. It'd get us there, maybe?" Shrugging she shushed the baby and put her back in her crib. "Or, I could go work for him, if that's what you want. Whatever you want. Jus'... I'm sorry," she said, defeated once more.

[Xander Andaris]

He did not answer and not because she wouldn't understand but because it was not her it was him. He was the reason all of this had happened, not her and unfortunately her kidnapping was the result of his actions. "I have been sleeping, don't worry about me I will be fine." He believed his words although his heavy eyelids would argue different as he continued to watch the passers by outside. Zara's cry grew a little louder as he lifted her and leaned her against his shoulder, rested on his arm and her head supported by his hand. He raised and lowered her softly trying to calm her.

Xander was caught off guard by her next sentence, snappy and defensive she sounded for the briefest moment like Celeste. Of course that couldn't be right but she continued as he kept breathing, one breath after another as he watched and listened to her speak. Her voice rose and for the first time since he had found her she seemed to think for herself, to question him rather than just follow his every word. However as she compared him to Peake he lost his composure, rarely did Xander truly get angry at her but when she said that he swivelled on his heels to face her. "Don't ever compare me to that monster." The words came through gritted teeth as he continued trying to quiet Zara.

Still she went on and in two swift steps he closed the space between them. "You want to know why you were taken? Really?" His eyes were a fierce blue, almost shimmering as he spoke. "You were taken because of me because I did something to upset them, to anger them and they took it out on me by taking the things I loved more than anything in this rotten world." He placed Zara down, her screams louder than ever as if she could sense the tension in the room. "I didn't tell you because it is my fault, it is my shame and it is my burden to carry, this all happened because I couldn't protect you because I failed you." His nails dug into his palms as he felt the purest rage he had experienced in the longest time but it wasn't with her it was with himself.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to know that I am not good enough, not strong enough, I can't keep you safe from all the horrors of Idalos." He was close to her, barely a step away as a drop of blood fell from where his nails had pierced the skin, patting softly against the wooden floor. Her apology was drowned out by his words as they continued on. "You are wrong I do want you here I want you here more than anything but I am not here, I am absent because I am consumed by my shame and my rage." He stepped back hnow and leaned against the window frame, his palms now free from the nails as he rested a hand across the top window frame. Blood smeared against the painted wood as the hand ran over it.

His voice went quieter now, the frustration still there but the aggression gone. "I am not angry with you and I have lost my patience, perhaps it was left behind in Rynmere. But I am not angry with you it is not your fault none of it is I just wish you apologised less." He should probably have told her that sooner. "Its not your fault." His posture was weak, calm almost, as he leaned against the frame, eyes lazily tracing the movements of those outside.

"What did you just call me?" There was no malice in his voice just curiosity as some form of actual clear thought returned to him. She had called him Xander Krome and the tone of it, only Celeste had ever said his name like that. It was strange and he had no idea what would have caused it, perhaps he was just imagining it. "I will sleep in the bed tonight." He finally accepted that he need one good nights sleep at least if he wished to actually be able to think and defend her.

[Celeste Andaris]

91st Ashan, 718

He'd been sleeping? Tessa looked at him and she wanted to argue. In a little while, when her temper was flaring, she would have done so. But in that moment, Tessa was still very much not one for arguing, and so she said nothing but thought plenty. That was always the way things were with her, she believed, so she was as surprised as him, maybe moreso, when she got snippy and bit at him. She really hadn't expected that to happen and it shocked her, then caused her head to thump. She put her hand against her temples, massaging gently and she sighed slightly.

And then, he shouted at her.

He turned, snarling and angry and Tessa's eyes widened in fear. He was furious, obviously furious.

He ground out words through teeth which were ground together, then he stepped to her and she did something which surprised her. Or, more precisely, it would surprise her later. In the moment, she simply stood up and stepped to meet him and she stood, toe to toe and nose to nose with him. He spoke, he told her why they had done this, whatever they had done and every bit of his body was tense as his nails dug into his palms, and as she stood there and looked at his blue eyes, Tessa realised something very clearly. She loved him. Her head was thumping and she knew that she loved him but she was so damn angry with him in this moment that she could almost scream. But the children were crying and her head was thumping and she felt furious and then, she shouted right back at him.

"Well it obviously isn't helping, Xander, is it? You want to take the blame, you do that, but more than anything, I want to...I want you to...." She felt something then she hadn't felt for a long time and her lower lip started to tremble. Tears sprang to her eyes and Tessa Ansders felt a single tear fall, then another. "I don't want to feel all these things, Xander! I'm angry and confused and I'm scared, too!" If she could, she'd stamp her foot. "And I need you! I called you..." she frowned then, looking at the babies and raising her hand to her temple. "I called you Xander Krome," she said, quietly.

Tessa turned away from him and moved over to the children. There, she calmed and she felt the calmness hit her. Her headache began to abate but with it, her courage. Her ability to argue. She fussed over the children for a moment, trying her best to calm down, to be clear. "I don't know why I called you that, I'm sorry. It's not yer name, I know. It was a slip of the tongue, I guess. I've heard of Xander Krome, you know that, but I know that's not you. I feel like you hate me," Tessa said, not looking at him. "Like you hate me, because you think I'm this person, this really good wife. I don't know her, but I disappoint you every time I'm not her. So I try to be a good wife, but you hate me and I irritate you and I'm in the way."

She lifted a hand which she was unsurprised to see was shaking, pulling her hair back. "I don't know why, I guess maybe you're right, because I love you, I think. I need you to like me. It hurts me when you can't look at me, but you can't look at me because of me." She wiped away the tears and smiled slightly. "It's been such a long time since I cried. Benji liked it when I did. So he made me cry as much as he could, and I thought I'd cried them all."

Pulling the twins blankets over them, Tessa sighed. "I know you want me to be her, but I only know how to be me. I know you don't like me, but it's who I am. I think I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but you haven't let me down. Never, not once." Then she did turn to look at him and she smiled. "I know that. Not me, Tessa, and not her, Celeste. I'd know. Besides, think about it," she moved over and tried, if he'd let her, to put her hands in his. "If you're right, then they've messed with my memories of everyone and everything except you. Why don't I remember you bein' like Benji? Because it's too strong, I reckon. What she feels for you. It's too strong."

Breathing in then, she frowned. "Why don't you like Master Peake?"

[Xander Andaris]

He listened to her words and again she apologised, it was somewhat jarring to his mind as she once again lost resemblance of Celeste. "I prefer the name Xander Krome honestly." It was a good job he said that to Tessa, no doubt Celeste would have told him how silly he sounded. "When I was Krome things had always been simpler, I don't know if it was better but things made sense until I met you." He shrugged slightly as he moved over to a small wash basin in the corner. The Shieldbearer gently rinsed his hands, the blood colouring the water a pinkish colour as he washed the warm liquid of life from his palms. Four small punctures were revealed as he did.

He dried his hands on the towel hanging from the basin frame, carefully dabbing the torn flesh. "I don't hate you, like I said it is not you. Maybe I wouldn't mind if you apologised less and cleaned less but I don't hate you." Xander folded the fabric and placed it back on the rail. "I can't look at you because the bruises are a constant reminder and then now they are going you are a reminder of my failures." The wolf paused his hands either side of the bowl as he stared into the pinkish fluid. "But I don't hate you."

Xander turned and moved over to the small table in the room, collecting up an old rag and moving back to the window. There he began to rub the slightly sticky blood from the frame. She then spoke of what she thought it meant that she could not remember him at all and for the first time in trials he smiled at the idea. Whether it had any word of truth in it he did not know but he was happy with the possibility. "Perhaps that is true, love is a powerful thing I suppose." Xander rubbed harder as a stubborn splotch of blood wrestled to remain on the painted wood. "Perhaps."

Why did he hate Peake? It seemed like an obvious question and he wasn't completely sure why she would even have to ask but she had and so he answered. "Because of the things he did to you, his own sister. An innocent woman who had done nothing wrong and yet he took it upon himself to manipulate you and hurt you, to force himself upon you like some rabid animal." Xander threw the cloth back to the table and turned back to face Tessa. "Nobody deserves to be treated like that, no innocent should have to endure suffering like he caused you and that is why I hate him. Why would you not hate a man who thinks it okay to rape and beat someone?" It was clear he was passionate about the safety of others and the need to punish those who broke or threatened it.

"Peake was a monster and he deserved nothing less than death, it is just a shame it was not on my blade." Xander moved over and sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching down and removing his socks. It was late afternoon but not really time to sleep yet he was ready for a rest. He pulled his shirt off over his head and lifted his feet onto the bed, laying back and staring up at the ceiling. "There are many evil people in this world Tessa and they like to harm those who can't defend themselves because it makes them feel powerful. Then there are the good men who some would argue are not so different from the bad it is just that they decide to harm those who prey on the weak." Xander moved his hands behind his head as he continued to look up.

"I like to think I am a good man but whoever decided what I just said to be the case was wrong. I don't hurt bad men because it makes me feel powerful, I do it to make the world better for those around me because somebody has to look out for the interests of everyone's future." The wolf leaned his head back and stretched his neck as he let out a sigh. "I don't hate you Tessa, it is just hard for me to look past what they changed about you. I struggle to forget what it was like before and I long for it back but that may never happen and so I need time to process this all and to discover who you are now."

[Celeste Andaris]

91st Ashan, 718

He preferred the name Xander Krome because things were simpler before he met her? He meant Celeste, Tessa knew and she wondered whether maybe it wasn't just her that Xander truly didn't want to be in his life. It was all very confusing, she didn't know this man at all yet she felt an innate sense of trust in him and when he didn't want her, she felt hurt. That was a bizarre thing to Tessa, normally that reaction from a man brought only relief from her. She watched him washing his hands and her emotions crashed like waves in her heart. So many things which she simply did not understand, could not comprehend in any way at all because she had zero frame of reference for them.

He wanted her to apologise less and clean less? Tessa looked at him in some surprise but she took the information in and considered it. She reminded him of his failures and he didn't hate her? "An' I'm glad you don't," Tessa said, softly, but then added. "But 'I don't hate you', ain't really much of a basis for a marriage is it?" She ran her hand through her hair and wondered just what sort of a woman Celeste Andaris was. Unapologetic and grubby, apparently. He liked the idea that they'd made her forget him because Celeste loved him, but it was a small, cold comfort to him, she had no doubt. "I remember people I hate, people I'm afraid of. I jus' don't remember you." Her voice was low and filled with melancholy as she wondered whether this was going to be her life. A shadow of a woman he used to love, both of them trapped by that?

Why he hated Master Peake, of course, was wrapped up in him being her brother. If that was true, he was even more vile than she thought of him as. But why wouldn't she hate that kind of man? Tessa looked at Xander, searching for the words to explain. She found none and her brown eyes watched as he moved over to the bed. He continued to speak and, as he did, he started to undress. As he did that, she felt a knot in the pit of her stomach and her heart pounded in her chest. As much as she knew that he would force her to do nothing, she didn't know that either. Because no one ever, in all her life, had behaved that way. Even Torqin had won her and, had he not been so very battered? Well, his trousers had been round his ankles when she left him, but he'd passed out before anything happened.

As he laid down, Tessa took the chair and moved, lifting it with her over to the door. She put it against the door, then, as he did when she was sleeping. He looked after her while she slept, after all. Not sleeping himself, but watching. "I want you to know that I know it must seem like.. that is. I don't want you to think... " She gave a sigh of frustration. "They all say that it's what I want, but it isn't. The life I've lived, I.." her voice was small, tired and defeated. "I hate it. It's not what I want, even when I 'ad to pretend it was. I hope you know that." If no man ever touched her again, it would be too soon as far as Tessa was concerned, although when she'd been angry? "You're the only man I've ever wanted to kiss." It was safe to tell him that, she'd kissed him after all when they first met and he'd pulled away from her. "I just need you not to think that I am what they've made me be. I'm not." What she was? Well, all she knew as an answer to that was that she was scared. Unprepared. Uncertain. But more than that, she had no clue. Still. "Try and sleep, Xander. I'll sit here and scream the place down if the door handle so much as jiggles." That last, whilst undoubtedly true, was delivered with a smile.

[Xander Andaris]

"I believe you, I don't think anyone would truly choose to experience what you have, nobody of sound mind anyway." Xander traced the crack in the ceiling he had followed before. This time he traced its many branches across in the other direction, none of them reaching the far wall but instead spreading to smaller and smaller cracks until they stopped completely. "I am sure you are many things we all are. The list of things I am extends longer than I am from head to toe and depending who you ask many of them wouldn't be good." Xander turned his head and looked over at Tessa, a half smile on his lips.

"We are what we make ourselves, people can try to manipulate us but our minds are our own and we control what we do, what we believe and what we become. Our choices shape us and not the false memories a monster may place in your head." The wolf closed his eyes briefly as he rolled onto his side, his fringe flopping down over his eyes. The pillow smelled like her it was strange that she still smelled the same, it was familiar and comforting. "You don't have to sit there if you don't want too." His eyes remained closed as he shuffled across on the bed a little.

His mind was somewhat foggy as he stifled a yawn and placed a hand under the pillow and scratched at a part of uneven nail on the other. "When we first left Rynmere and Ala'ni realised you were gone she wouldn't stop crying, I didn't get much chance to cry you know." He felt like he was sinking into the mattress below him and was sure beds didn't normally feel that comfy. "I had to be strong for her because I couldn't let her think there was no hope, she has to believe that things get better otherwise there was no point adopting her to begin with." He was surely rambling now but he didn't want to stop speaking yet.

"You sounded like the woman that adopted her earlier, like Celeste." His face was calm as he lay there, reminiscing remembering what had been. "You used too call me Xander Krome when you were angry or frustrated with me, I suppose that hasn't changed." A warm chuckle managed to escape him then as he swayed between completely conscious and not. Still he remained in the land of the conscious as he lay there, Tessa had not seen him this calm before it made a different from how tense he had been but still he was not quite how he had once been. Perhaps a different kind of calm here.

Xander rolled onto his front now as he placed his face in the pillow, taking a moment to just remember the scent before looking over at the wall away from Tessa now. "How did you meet Benji?" His curiosity getting the best of him as he continued to rest his eyes, he had not asked her many questions yet this trial.

[Celeste Andaris]

91st Ashan, 718

She wasn't shaped by the memories they'd put in her? Did that mean that this wasn't her life, wasn't what she had to be? It seemed so far fetched to Tessa, the idea that there might be kindness and gentleness in the world. That Xander might be who he said he was. Even more far fetched was the idea that she might be who he said she was. There was a large part of her which simply couldn't believe it, couldn't imagine it to be true. Yet, the small and whispered voice of hope did believe it - or wanted to.

But then, he said something and it sent Tessa into a silent tailspin. She didn't have to stay there, and he moved over. Did he want her to join him in the bed? What did that mean? Tessa knew that she couldn't, that she simply wasn't capable of it and that she didn't believe him. Didn't believe in men like him because she knew so many who proved him wrong, who were so very much the opposite. There was no kindness in the world and she had to stay here, sitting on her chair and not allowing any consideration of being his wife. Because he wouldn't beat her or force himself on her, he wouldn't make her walk the streets or give her to his friends and she didn't understand how to be anyone other than the wife whose husband did those things. So, Tessa knew that she had to stay where she was.

She knew it as she stood, her hand moving to the lace on her dress as she undid it and let it fall away. She was wearing a light underdress, a cotton slip really, and she kept that on as she walked to the bed. There was no doubt in her mind that she should - and could - stay in the chair, but she laid down on the bed next to him and shifted slightly. Resting her head on his chest, she breathed in. "I know the smell of you," she whispered, not realising that she was echoing his thoughts. He spoke about Ala'ni and Tessa nodded. "You've had to be strong, I know." It was bizarre, but that was something that they'd both had to be. Before he found her, she'd needed to be a different kind of strong and since he had? It had taken all she had not to just collapse.

"Xander Krome? That is you? You were engaged to Olivia Warrick?" Tessa looked at him with lazy brown eyes, surprisingly calm herself all things considered. "I think I hate her." With a slight frown she realised something with a smile. "Both of me." But how did she meet Benji? Tessa looked at him and wondered at the topic of conversation. Tentatively, unsure whether he wanted her to, she put her arm around him and let out a low, almost guttural sound. It was shock, surprise, relief as she did so. "I've never felt safe in a bed with a man before, you know. But I do now." How she met Benji? Tessa shrugged, slightly. "He was there when I got off the boat. I was sold to him, I suppose, I don't know. He was there an' he was expecting me. I don't know why they sent me here, I just assumed it was because Benji was here."

She wished, suddenly, that she could tell him she'd missed him. But then, it would be a lie and she wanted no lies between them. "Thank you for makin' me feel safe, Xander." Tessa whispered, and she lifted her head to kiss him, gently. "You should sleep, you must be tired right out." Yet, laying there with him like this, she would be quite happy to just lay and talk together.

[Xander Andaris]

Subconsciously he had intended for her to come over yet he hadn't really thought she would or actively said so. In many ways he was surprised as he felt the mattress shift and Tessa's silky hair run over his skin before her skin came into contact with his. His eyes remained closed and he let out a staggered breath, his body reacting strangely to her presence as she whispered. Her breath was warm against his chest and he swallowed a little harder than normal as his composure wavered but she was here and he felt for the first time like he should with his wife. She acknowledged the fact of his having to care for Ala'ni and remain strong and it was true but he had let himself go at times as any person would need to in this situation.

"No I was never engaged to Olivia, she was a childhood friend of mine but we lost contact after my sister died." He hadn't thought about the name sake of his daughter for a while but he almost felt like he had come to grips with her death now. In many ways he had accepted his part in it and that there is nothing he can do to change it now, maybe his family had caused him to realise that. "I think there had once been plans for us to be married but that was long ago before I would have known what marriage even really was. I was well and truly single when I met you." He shrugged lazily as he laid there trying to keep his thought focused.

Her arm wrapped around him and for a moment the rise and fall of his chest stopped, her fingers cold as the came into contact with his side. The wolf's breathing started again though, slow and calm as he lay there motionless beneath her hold. "It is a strange way of doing things, to sell you to someone across the world and without telling you." Xander's hand moved onto Tessa without thinking, warm callused skin against her shoulder as he remained half awake exploring the ideas of what she had said. "I wonder why he would have wanted a pregnant woman, unless the thoughts weren't his own of course." There was a gentle squeeze as he thought but nothing more.

He wasn't expecting it when she kissed him, her lips tender and warm. It brought back memories and feelings as he allowed it to happen, returning the act as his tired mind let himself forget the differences that had come from the wickedness of the webspinners. It was only short though as she spoke again. "I have been tired since you were taken, I am used to it now." It was true, Ala'ni struggled to sleep while Celeste had been away and so Xander had sat up holding her and comforting her for night on end. "What was Benji like before the babies were born? Was he different?"

They had had some strange conversations in the bedroom but this was by far the most odd. It truly was not the usual pillow talk but there was always something inappropriate for them to talk about and he had to be discussed. The setting of the conversation truly wasn't that important to Xander. "Did he change a lot throughout the time you were with him, any sudden changes to his personality or actions?" He knew it was a bad time to ask but his mind was working on its own.