Saoire refused his help, imploring the leader of the settlement to take a few moments to relax while she collected her clippings. He couldn't help but find his eyes lingering on Saoire's hands while she did her work, trying to learn from her movements as best he could without actually doing anything. She told him to relax but it was never that easy for Balthazar to relax. This time with her felt special because she was both a guest in Haven who deserved the same formalities any guest did, and because she was an immortal. When a human took the time to visit you, it was only right to give them your focus. When an immortal took the time to visit you, well... you had better redefine what you call focus and give them the improved version. He didn't know how to just relax these trials because it always felt like there was something more important to do with the time he had. Still, if Saoire asked him to relax, who was he to refuse?
Saoire lingered on his comment about doing one's best longer than he thought she would but she provided an interesting, if not unconsidered, opinion on the events. She mused that life was not a one dimensional timeline of events and that one's best was never the same from one moment to another. She explained that, from her perspective, people judged others based on their priorities more than what they did. She further elaborated that she believed his conviction came from a similar place. He agreed and disagreed because while he had been found guilty of neglecting his duties, he had also been found guilty of other things he did not believe he had done. Endangering innocents in Viden was the one that stuck out the most to him but he didn't argue because it was a detail, not the core of Saoire's argument. He was being judged because he hadn't been in Scalvoris but he felt like if he had been, the Elements wouldn't have utilized him as well as he had utilized himself. Apparently they hadn't even noticed his absence so it was not as if they had needed him for something specific and he hadn't been there. The issue was always the general absence. However he cast that argument from his mind to focus on what she was saying because if anything, that argument only further proved what he had known since he returned. He liked making excuses for himself and his priorities no longer sat within the limited confines of the Elements and their leadership.
Not while Rand was running things. Not while Jacien was their standard. It was ego that made him think he could do better as a free agent, but it was also the sentence that had convinced him. If he hadn't been an Element when he left, they would have had less justification to do what they'd done to him. He wanted to help
all people, not just those living in Scalvoris. He was content to limit himself now because his greatest means of 'helping' had been taken from him but... no... no that wasn't it. He was content helping now because he felt that for the first time in a while, he was doing something that mattered. Haven's growth and prosperity had usurped so many of the priorities he held before meeting the settlers. It and Elisabeth had changed so much for him- even since the trial.
"It must take a bold person to tell you that you're actions are lacking." Balthazar said with a bemused grin on his face as he looked into Saoire's intense green eyes. He chuckled slightly as Saoire shifted the tone of the conversation, saying it was not to her to judge. All she did was steal clippings, an idea that prompted another small grin from the former mage. The grin widened a moment later when Saoire chuckled purely because of the sound she made. An immortal chuckling was something to remember. It felt so human. She spoke about the caudori, mentioning they were an independent lot who would go where they wanted, and Balthazar nodded with what had grown into a smile on his face. The smile lingered as she spoke of 'Balthazar's Haven' which he thought a little bit better a name than Balthazar's Dream... but maybe Black Haven... or no... he couldn't think of another name before he heard Saoire mention it was cut off by design. He shook his head gently.
"Not by design, but it is how things have turned out." He supposed she would want some elaboration.
"I told the settlers on the ship about the Serenity Garden because I had heard good things. I thought everyone would benefit from settling somewhere near the garden so that in hard times or when they felt like the loss was a little too much to bare, they would have somewhere to work through the dark thoughts. It was never suppose to be just my Haven. It's supposed to be ours." He paused for a trill and looked down at the jubiplant field,
"I admit I thought it would give me somewhere to meditate when my magic felt a little too... influential." Then he looked back at Saoire
"I didn't realize the Badlands cut us off from just about everything else but I had plans when I found out. Unfortunately I got curious, got in trouble, and lost necessary tools for those plans." Balthazar shrugged and the smile that had slipped off his face returned to it,
"But we're making progress, and new plans together. Sometimes I worry the builders are growing tired of my presence but..." He shrugged. They'd get used to him.
"I'll make it up to them. Once we have docks built trade will be easier and with all of Elisabeth's discoveries I'm sure we'll have plenty to trade when we are ready."
Then Saoire spoke of chocolate and Balthazar listened. He had never had a particularly sweet tooth but the things she had sent them were unlike anything else he'd had but thoughts about candy faded when Saoire asked a surprisingly pointed question. Was that really his problem? Did
he think that was his problem? His eyes narrowed just slightly for a moment as he felt a strange sense of deja vu strike before his normal grin returned.
"You sound like the therapist the order sent," he explained,
"but I suppose that isn't a bad thing." Balthazar took a deep breath ad gave another gentle shrug, disappointed that he did not have a clear answer for Saoire.
"Again, I don't know. It's hard to come up with my own opinion when so many people have said so many things that I can't forget. It used to be easier. I thought I knew what I wanted and I pursued it but I've spent every trial this season and most of last season having people condemn me for what I did in pursuit of what I wanted.. I thought I was helping. I wanted to help. All I ever want is to keep as many people safe as possible. It just seems that I'm not very good at it." Balthazar took another deep breath.
"The trial was difficult because I listened to people from the places I had spent most of the last arc report about me like some maniacal mage. I followed all the laws within my ability and not one of them had an issue when my magic was helping them but when questioned? 'Stop sending your rogue mages!'" He did an impression of what he imagined the Melrathi who wrote the letter sounded like.
"Well, I suppose they'll get their wish when they face the creep without me."
"I'm sorry, you didn't ask about that. It's not your place to judge right? Just to help." He seemed to get an idea as he said that.
"Do you think you could make me better at it?Well... help me become better?"
