• Graded • For Better or Worse

[Patrick]

Ashan 9 718; Afternoon

Location: Outskirts of Foster's Landing

The two had nearly arrived back to where it all started, where the expedition had kicked off and eventually brought together everyone. Where the rest were now he hadn't any clue, but Patrick honestly didn't want to chance learning otherwise after recent events. Southguard being a fitting example of his most recent slip up, he already dealt with the never ending guilt that loomed over his frame. Why? Why there? And why Ellen'wyn of all people? She had most certainly seen the worst side of him, and lived to tell the tale in her own right after what had happened.

Thus they fled from the post-skirmish destruction left behind in the Sessfiend's own wake, as Patrick took it upon himself to help Ellen get this far back home. If she considered this anywhere close to home anyways, what had occurred over the past several trials remained questionable. Insofar Pat ultimately tried to keep interaction to a minimum, as it was vividly clear that her condition right now was his fault to begin with.

Because of his inconsideration towards the Fiend and the fact his ring remained on, he didn't believe his desire for her would give the beast reason to hunt her down. Therefore he practically signed her own death warrant the moment he found his ring removed unwarily. Now that Foster's Landing was in their sight and the trip was practically over, Patrick knew that whatever reason he had left to linger was gone. He had done more than enough to Ellen, and while he would've gone above and beyond to make up for her suffering... he sadly couldn't risk putting her into further danger at his side.

First Orimar and then the Sessfiend... She truly had endured enough over the past Season, and with Ashan now almost in full force of nature; it was only a matter of time before the rest of the world would learn of what happened. Thus when they reached the outskirts of the town, Patrick dropped both his and her travel bags to relieve the stress on his back. No matter how much Ellen might've insisted he needn't do that, he certainly wasn't going to let someone in her condition carry all her gear to here. Yet here was the limit for him...

Here was where he needed to put as much distance between him and everyone else as possible.

"Well... This is it." He finally muttered to break the constant silence that loomed over him, his face still sullen with guilt as he inadvertently glanced her way. Yet he couldn't bear to look at her, not for long since her injured form reminded him... It was a mistake he wouldn't make again, never would there be a second time where Fiend nearly killed someone he grew fond of.

"For what it's worth Ell', I... truly feel terrible about what happened." He repeated again probably for the thousandth time, yet one last time didn't seem so bad considering what would come afterward. "Take time to recover and forget about me, least until the Fates determine we meet again anyways... Hopefully by then this curse will be lifted." Hopefully. It would seem the road to redemption would be a much longer one for him, as Patrick honestly didn't know if he'd ever come to terms with Southguard's own loss.

[Ellen'wyn]

Ellen had learned quickly that Patrick was not in a talking mood for this trip. It made the walk seem that much longer. They had trudged along in relative silence. Every so often she would try to coax a conversation out of him, but the look of shame that crossed his face when he met her eyes made her gut twist, and finally she stopped trying. She felt no ill will towards Patrick for what happened--she knew that it wasn't his own doing. That was obvious. That creature--the Sessfiend--had done it all. No matter how much Patrick felt he was to blame, it wasn't the case in her eyes.

The half-breed had tried to put on a brave face from the start, but after a few miles couldn't argue when he took her gear and left her to limp after him, guilty over making him feel even worse. But it was impossible not to look pitiful. Her arm was wrapped and tied to her chest with a sling and brace. One of her wings had been strapped down after being pushed back into its socket. Her face was black and blue, scabbed, with one eye swollen completely shut. The other was in better shape, but barely. Her steps and breaths were short due to several cracked ribs and more bruising. The pain, despite the medicines that had been given to her, was to a point where she almost wished it had just killed her. Almost.

She knew that Patrick was tearing himself apart for this, and it made her chest hurt worse than the rest of her. She wanted to comfort him. To reach out and touch him. Say something. But he wouldn't listen. Wouldn't allow it. So they just walked.

Eventually the Landing was back in view. Ellen never really thought she'd be relieved to see the place, but she was. It even elicited a half-smile, though it quickly turned to a grimace when her split lips protested. When Patrick stopped she almost ran into his back, lost in her own thoughts as she was. He turned, finally looking at her, and she met his gaze expectantly. Finally!

"Patrick, please, you don't have to keep apo--Wait what?" The redhead was immediately angry. Angry and hurt. "No!" The mixed-blood took his hand tightly in her own--the one that wasn't strapped up--and didn't let go even if he tried to pull away. She held fast, and the threatening burn of tears seared in her throat and behind her eyes. "You need me. I won't let you go!" The words were fierce and she believed them. "I can help you. I know that you need the ring now, so I won't let Southguard repeat itself." But the look on his face wasn't convinced at all. It was just more guilt. She opened her mouth as if to say something else, but there were no words.

[Patrick]

For just about a moment everything he felt for Ellen, all that deep regret and guilt meshed with innate care and interest; all hit him hard when he had to face her for what would be their last time. He'd had plenty of heartbreaks throughout the course of his life to be sure, and while this connection between them felt in it's early stages, Patrick ultimately discovered a real sure affection for the younger woman. But at the same time... That connection he wanted with her, that feeling of having someone close to him after all his isolation; it was what nearly killed the girl when she stayed with him.

And she refused. She didn't want this to be their final meeting, and for what it was worth Patrick admired that about her. Maybe because he felt inclined to think her strong, proud and confident in the ways she presented herself during the time spent together. They had many laughs and many moments of hardship, from that very first instant Ellen swooped in to pin him down on that boat. Fates be damned... a whole season and practically a fraction of another, and somehow he felt closely drawn to her even now... after what he had done. What he had told her naturally caused her face to redden, in the areas of her cheeks which weren't already flushed from the swelling. She was such a peculiar one for that he adored her more, but at the same time he resented what had happened in Southguard.

None of that resent was directed towards her by any means, but all on himself as he struggled to keep himself together. Truth be told he wanted to fall apart even now, because of how hard this isolation was getting to handle for him. But he couldn't risk more blood on his hands, even worse the blood of someone he found himself cherishing immensely. Her free hand clasped on one of his and for a moment he opened his mouth to protest, his eyes somberly fallen on her as no words came to back up his intent. She was on the verge of tears and he could see that, and somehow the remaining parts of his fractured humanity hurt even worse at this rate. Such misery and heartache. Was this the real intent of his curse then? Was he destined to push away any he might've felt for? Somehow his mind pictured something that could've been, a potential future spent wandering around with this girl. This beautiful young girl who had such a strong and passionate heart... That almost died by the hands of his inner monster.

"I do need you..." He admitted somberly as he lowered his head to rest both their foreheads together, his only free hand brought up to caress her cheek. He looked into her eyes and again guilt punched him hard in the gut, forcing him to close his eyes as he swallowed hard before speaking again. "None of that matters now Ellen." He tried to assure her although he definitely failed to convince himself. "I don't care as much for Southguard as I do you, what happened was my own fault for letting my guard down. But you..." He couldn't help but wince as the truth hurt to express. "I can't risk losing you again, there's always that risk no matter where I go. No matter what I do this curse... It's literally a part of me now, and no matter how much I try I can't ever control it."

His hand that clenched her's tightened as he brought it up to rest against his chest, where both he and Ellen would feel his heart roughly hammer within. "I care about you too much, and because of this what's inside me... wants to take that away. Wants to take you away. What went down in Southguard is just one example of the fate that awaits you, and any who wish to place themselves close to me..." And then came the harder part...

"Its... Its why I want you to go." He swallowed hard once more and cleared his throat, his eyes once more opened as they fell upon Ellen. They were sincere and at the same time, still somber because of the fact this ultimately was the best... for the both of them. "I want you to move on, heal from this while I..." He didn't want to admit it because he knew how she was, therefore Patrick lied instead of letting the thought slip out. "While I try and find a way to break this curse. Nobody is safe with me, the further apart we are; the less I'll have to worry about the fiend hunting you." He reiterated once more as he wanted to make it clear of the danger involved.

[Ellen'wyn]

For the briefest moment Ellen thought that Patrick was about to kiss her. Her heart was pounding against her ribs, but as his face came down, he carefully rested his forehead against hers. The smell of his skin filled her lungs and her other eye fluttered shut. For a trill her anger was forgotten. It was one of the first times he'd touched her in a while. She'd been almost starved of it, and the sheer weight of the relief of his skin on hers almost took her breath away. She wasn't quite sure where all these feelings had come from, but they'd hit hard and fast.

The woman opened her eye again as he lifted her hand to his cheek. Her fingers rubbed the rough stubble growing unkempt on his jaw, and she searched his face, desperate for a sign that she was going to win him over. His words were promising, but the look of heartache in his gaze was not. It made her stomach clench painfully, and a few fat tears spilled down her cheeks despite her trying hard to hold them back. Her chin and brows crinkled, and all she wanted them was to wrap both her arms around him. Grab him by the collar and hold him there--to not let him run away.

"But you didn't lose me! I'm right here!" Her voice wasn't much more than a growl and it broke on the words as the emotion welled and bubbled over like a kettle left far too long over the fire. That's how she felt. Hot and overflowing. "I'll never let you take the ring off again--not until we find a way to break your curse. I'm not going to let you run away from me. I've already been through too much with you for that."

He moved their hands to his chest and the half-breed spread her fingers over the fabric. He was warm underneath, almost as hot as she was, and his heart was beating strong and heavy. She fisted his shirt in her hands, glaring at him as she often did, challenging him.

"I can't just... move on. That's not how this works! I l--!"

She what? How did she feel about him? Was it those three heavy words that had so much meaning? She'd never said them to anyone but her mother. They caught in her throat, almost making her dizzy. It was getting hard to breathe. Ellen was feeling lightheaded. Her face pinched up and she looked like she wanted to say something, but the sadness in the man's handsome face stopped her. There was a sudden clarity then, as he watched her, tried to convince her to leave. He was so afraid to hurt her that he was hurting her anyway, just in another sense.

"You're an idiot," she growled, and yanked him down.

Rising up on her toes, she captured his lips with hers, kissing him hard and a little clumsily. It was the first time she'd ever initiated a kiss, and it was only their second. The first had been the night he snuck into her tent and seduced her--for the most part. He was tense at first, possibly caught off guard or trying to resist. Maybe both. But after a moment, Ellen felt his mouth soften against hers, his shoulders relax, and he leaned into her. A hand tangled into her hair and she whimpered, already feeling weak in the knees. Then in an instant it was over. He pulled away, leaving her gasping silently for breath and feeling somehow much colder.

[Patrick]

By the Fates or Gods, or whatever damnable higher powers existed! What Patrick felt now had to be considerably more than just care for Ellen'wyn, even if he didn't want to believe that to be the case right now. Yet even if he wasn't inclined to put thought to the concept, the truth was he felt more than just care for Ellen by now. More than just fondness and concern, and it became quite obvious that she too felt the same way. When their foreheads connected he felt a rush of warmth in his mind, a profound sense of clarity that made him realize the truth. It didn't matter what he would say or think, the truth was he felt something more for her.

"Here now!" He spoke lowly and softly to her since they were close now, albeit her's was a more earnest tone in comparison to his. "But narrowly so. Look at you. Look at what this, a finger from the hand that held Ellen's close to his chest pressed firmly into the sternum, "Look at what I have done to you. Whether there's no one to blame or put fault on, it's still something I have to live with now; knowing that you've been severely hurt because of me." He did his best to explain his reasoning, hopeful that the thought made sense. Hell. The fact he could turn into some supernatural monster barely made any sense to him, and that was only before he'd lived with it for almost a full Arc now.

Her hand grappled the collar of his shirt into a ball as he felt the fabric tighten against his muscles, the parts of the skin the collar pressed into turned to white from the pull he felt against it. She was strong even now. So much stronger than he could ever be in fact, which was another reason why he couldn't let this burden of his.. become a burden of her's also. Because while she still possessed such strength even after what she'd endured, ultimately she still wasn't safe in the presence of the Sessfiend curse. She couldn't just move on? Honestly he didn't expect her to be able to, even now he felt as though his insides were being torn out. For a moment his lips parted open as he suspected it, the significant words that beheld such an immense meaning. Gods he wanted to hear them. He had never thought he'd be worthy of ever having them expressed, particularly to a wretched individual much like himself.

Such was his curse now; isolation with no capacity to relish in the warmth of joy and companionship. He had felt lonely before after he had lost his brother, and while he struggled to fix that aspect of his life he never knew the true meaning. Until Syroa marked him as her pet. "I know..." He finally said lowly, water built up in his eyes as he watched her refrain from saying what he wanted to hear. As bad as he wanted to he didn't need to, in fact it was better if he didn't at all. Because Patrick honestly felt the same way, only felt too afraid to admit it after what's happened. "I know." He said once more with a thumb used to stroke a tear from her cheek. She called him an idiot then, a statement he completely agreed with. But when she pulled him in, the idiot under her grip showed no resistance with the tug. Their lips met and he couldn't help but breathe in deeply through his nose, and his rigid posture was more or less apprehension for what was to come.

He wanted this... but better. He wanted this to be better. He couldn't help but ease into her as his feelings were slowly more clear now, expressed in the careful way his fingers ran through her hair as their kiss lingered for a Bit. For something that felt wrong of him to do, at the same time it felt exactly the right sort of expression to reciprocate. He loved her. "Gods fuckin' damn it!!" He screamed within the confines of his mind, as at last the emotion he felt was too overwhelming to maintain; softly tears started to stream down his cheeks as he continued to take it in. Take her in. The feel of her hair, the smell of her skin... the taste of her lips. He took for granted the first time he spent that evening in the tent with her, believing that all would be well just because he now had the ring. The damn ring that kept his inner beast caged.

And now here they were, driven apart by circumstance all because he slipped up. He wanted time to freeze right now, to let all this immense compassion to linger. But time never stopped. It never would for anything and therefore he could not either, thus after the Bit that felt almost like the entirety of time itself; Patrick released her and pulled away with a bite of his lower lip. He watched her with glassy eyes as he recognized it, within that profound sense of love was the very thing he feared. Hunger. Not the kind he always had when he craved alcohol or connection, but the kind which reminded him of what he was now; a monster. He looked at her hard and while he felt honest feelings for her, the fact he also craved her more than physically disturbed him immensely. He turned away and growled in frustration, kicking at dirt as it seemed to be the only way to vent his frustration. "Fek!..." He finally swore in a low tone in between pants, after his brief tantrum with the rocks and dirt.

"I really am an idiot..." Patrick reiterated as he looked at Ellen hard. "I try to make this easier for us, but I can't because I don't want to." His tone was heavy with guilt once more, only this time it wasn't because of what happened in Southguard. "If I stay with you Ellen, then you're never safe at all. Even if the fiend remains caged! If we stay together Ellen... I don't want to risk that, because for the first time in a long while you made me happy. I don't ever want to let that go..." He shook his head and with his head fallen, he started to sob where he stood.

"I don't ever want to let that go..."

[Ellen'wyn]

He wasn't quite glaring at her, but he wasn't smiling either. He wasn't convinced, even now. She had lost. The realization was like a kick to the gut. Patrick turned away then, frustrated, taking out some of his anger with his boot against the ground. All she could do was watch with a sort of detached numbness. She swallowed the lump in her throat when he finally turned to look at her again.

There were tears in his eyes, and Ellen instinctively reached out to touch his face but he jerked away--flinching almost as if he was afraid. The lump in her throat quickly returned, and when he bowed his head to weep, she stood there stupidly for a moment, not sure whether to embrace him to let him be. But the sound of his pain and heartache mirrored hers, and it felt like a knife twisting in her chest. Tears filled her eyes once more and fell unchecked.

"I wish you would let me make that decision for myself."

She reached out to him finally, wiping away the moisture on one of his cheeks, running her hand along his unshaven jaw and around his neck. The woman pulled him closer until his head rested in the crook of her shoulder. Her uninjured wing stretched forward, reaching up and over just enough to blanket the top of his head. Ellen cocooned him there, burying her face against his neck, breathing in the smell of him. She doubted she would ever have another chance to do so.

[Patrick]

"I wish you would let me make that decision for myself." Ellen'wyn murmured to him as he tried to keep his composure together, but of course Patrick even failed to maintain that. He wanted to. He really did. Ellen however wasn't in that sort of position however, even if she were recuperating from her injuries. Patrick on the other hand felt he had no right to make that call either, because if he did then certainly would've risked it just to be with her. He would've risked it all at this point, because deep down he felt something worth holding onto.

But that call was not his to make. The fact he was cursed to be a Sessfiend already made it clear, no matter who he wanted to allow himself close to; they were the biggest fixation of the monster within. The Fiend had killed many others before, and even influenced Patrick to kill on his own; all because of the insatiable hunger the beast within pushed upon him. It's only desire was to destroy and consume all, leaving nothing but pure destruction and entropy in its wake. So what about afterwards? When those nights spent lost in its wake were over, all that usually remained was sorrow and regret for Patrick.

If he could reduce that by ensuring people he cared for weren't caught up in the mix, then honestly Patrick would've deferred to isolation just so they could live. That was why he wanted Ellen to go. So she would live without having to fear Patrick, and never have to look over her shoulder constantly in his presence. Yet when he felt her draw close and bring her hand upon his stubbled cheek, the Rharnian couldn't find it in him to put up another front of resistance. He needed to but Gods it was so hard, because right now he also needed her as well. Her head was craned into him to where he felt her breathing warmly, and softly, against his neck as he just stood there. He wanted to wrap his arms around her once more, hold her closer even if she seemed too fragile to do so. She sheltered him with her wing and even in this moment of uncertainty, he felt unusually safe within the embrace she loosely managed.

Funny. She'd really be holding onto him right now if she could, but because of her injuries she had to make do with what still functioned. It would be the hardest thing to do by far, but ultimately it was for the best that Patrick did this to set her free. To allow her the chance to recover and not have to worry, since he'd no longer be in her life afterwards to pose threat on her behalf. Once he finally seemed to calm down and keep his sobs under control, Patrick's eyes were fallen on her as he once more held her for the last time. It was a light and gentle embrace that both warmed him inside, but also hurt knowing that this warmth wouldn't be felt again for a while. Thus he leaned back just a little until her face looked up into his, a final kiss made as he craned his head back down in close proximity with her's.

He held it there as he took in the feeling for one last time, as well as the scent of this beautiful woman before him. It was going to be a very painful thing indeed, but the moment he got this over with the both of them could accept reality... and move on. Patrick wasn't meant for Ellen'wyn, he wasn't meant for anybody so long as he remained cursed. That was why he had to let her go, and she had to do the same as well. After he pulled his lips back away slightly he looked further along the road heading north, a spot well off a ways from here in mind as his eyes moved back down at her. In that glance he knew where to go next, just had to have the will to pull it off. With his forehead brought down to rest against her's again, Patrick murmured softly to her the final instructions left behind.

"I... want you to close your eyes Elly, close them and think of all the fun we had. Remember that for me okay, remember who I was before you met the Fiend inside me." At that he slowly stepped back so that only their hands remained connected, that way she still knew he was there while he remembered. "Keep your eyes closed and just think about that for me, okay? Just do that and count to three." His voice quaked a little at the end there, another look shot towards his destination as he focused on the space in question. It was beyond the trees and the shrubs, tucked within the cover where she wouldn't see him leave. Not that he'd let her. He wanted this to be quick and easy, less painful for her if he could manage it. "One..." He counted afterwards although, whether it was with or for her; that was up to Ellen'wyn entirely.

"Two..." His grip on her hand loosened as he took one last step back from her. His hand reached down to hold his things before anything, and when Ellen expected to count that last number; he didn't count to three as intended. Instead his mind focused on that specific spot, and his Spark responded with a tap into the ether within his system. In the span of that last Trill, Patrick's form glimmered and appeared Ethereal, therefore dissipating just before Ellen would open her eyes to see him gone. When he opened his eyes to find himself in that sheltered spot, he quickly dropped his belongings just as quickly; a hard lean into the tree nearby as he felt his legs too weak to hold him steady.

It wasn't that he felt exhaustion from the Blink, just that the attempt overall achieved what he wanted. Now that he was away from Ellen'wyn, the crushing burden of loneliness quickly dragged him down on the ground.

[Ellen'wyn]

It took him a while to regain some control over his emotions, but she didn't mind. It gave her more time to think of something, anything else, that might convince him not to leave. Ellen was loath to give up, but nothing particularly convincing came to mind. She'd already tried everything she could think of except for knocking him over the head with a rock. She glanced at one lying a few innocent feet away in the dirt but quickly dismissed the thought when he leaned back to look in her eyes.

They were bloodshot from the tears, but there was a new resolute sort of firmness about his features. It made her stomach hurt. He leaned in and brushed another kiss on her lips, but his mouth felt grim. Patrick lingered there and she pushed for more, hoping to coax something out of him--hoping he'd give. He didn't. When he finally pulled away, he was distracted, looking everywhere but at her. It was a painful knife twisting in her side. She reached up to his collar and grabbed it firmly, trying to draw his attention back to her. He smiled at her, sadly, almost apologetic, but she didn't think it was over his wandering gaze.

"I want you to close your eyes, Elly."

He'd never called her that. Why did he have to give her a nickname now? Why couldn't he have brushed a lock of hair behind her hair a fortnight ago, kissed her, and whispered sweet promises to her? Her eyes still burned with tears, and the frustration only made them worse. It wasn't fair. But it was easy to close her eyes. It helped her try to calm herself. If she didn't see the pain in his face, she could try to banish her own. Ellen took a shuddering breath through her nose. Patrick counted.

One--The image of Patrick's shocked face as she dropped out of the sky the first night they met. That crooked and confident smile as he flirted with a total stranger with a knife to his throat.

Ellen's brows furrowed, and she wanted to open her eyes, but his fingers gave hers a squeeze so she kept them shut.

Two--Patrick sneaking into her tent, stealing kisses and setting her blood on fire.

She tried to gulp down the lump in her throat, but it kept on trying to choke her.

Thr--

His hand was gone. Ellen reached out, trying to grasp his arm. There was a quick rip and a pop and her eyes snapped open. He was gone. All that was left was the muddy tracks left in the melting snow where he'd been standing. She stared at them a while, wondering if she waited long enough maybe he'd materialize again. She waited, and waited, and waited--until the tears dried up and her throat was raw and ragged from crying. The half-breed might have waited longer, but some sensible part of her brain had come back to life, at least for a moment.

It was getting dark. She could freeze to death. Ellen cleared her throat quietly and wiped her nose carelessly on her sleeve. He'd done what she couldn't. It was clever, really. Clever and cruel. She sniffed loudly--some combination of the crying and cold--and picked up her bag. She didn't linger after that. She limped her way back to Foster's Landing, found herself a room, and didn't come out for a few trials.

[Doran Cooney]

Patrick Brunell

Knowledges
Psychology: Struggles With Guilt
Strength: Carrying Extra Weight
Endurance: Lugging Extra Baggage In One Trip
Leadership: Determining What's Best For Those You Love
Leadership: Putting Others Before You
Discipline: Following Through With Hard Decisions
Discipline: Fighting Deepest Wishes To Protect Another
Caregiving: Being Gentle To Someone Who's Injured
Philosophy: Making The Most Out of What Little Time You Have

Ellen'wyn: Another Potential Love, Lost
Ellen'wyn: Would've Stayed With You
Ellen'wyn: Cares More Than You Know
Personal: Heartbreak, Round Three
Sessfiend: Curse Brings True Isolation
Personal: Sessfiend Is A Part of Your Life Now

Loot: N/A
Injuries: N/A
Renown: N/A

Points 15

Ellen'wyn

Knowledges
Caregiving: Providing physical comfort
Caregiving: Sometimes people need to be left alone
Endurance: Travelling long distances while injured
Discipline: Holding back tears
Persuasion: Trying to convince someone to change their mind
Persuasion: You need to have a strong case
Meditation: Close your eyes to block out visual distractions
Philosophy: Love isn't always enough
Seduction: An impassioned kiss

Patrick: Ran Away To Keep You Safe
Patrick: Broke Your Heart, For Better or Worse
Patrick: Wants You To Remember Him, Not His Inner Monster
Patrick: Vanished Without A Trace

Loot: N/A
Injuries: N/A
Renown: N/A

Points 15

---

No, you dummy! You're supposed to say, "I love you too." not "I know." Geese louise, go get yourself a man that doesn't turn into a libido driven death beast, Ellen! Sad stuff, Patrick is always sad. He needs to get in bed with Ymiden and get his rebirth on so he can stop stressing. Ellen is sad too, she needs to find a nice flyboi and have a little birb family.

Please edit your grade request, thank you!

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[center][img]/gallery/image.php?album_id=39&image_id=7932[/img]Doran Cooney[/center]