Lost Lists

[Faith Augustin]

18th Zi'da 716
Following the events

here

"We never worked out the unit of measurement for it, but you are fussing. You're just going to get more upset at the scars than the bruises which aren't there yet. I'll put some arnica on and it will bring the bruises out. I'm fine, honestly, it's nothing." She had been quiet since the events with Sintih, remaining close to him and avoiding too much in the way of other people. She hadn't been able to avoid it completely though, things had needed to be done for meals and so on and Faith had gone and got on with that. But to say that she was fine would be an absolute lie, so what she did was to just close down from the crowds around her. She simply made sure the food was served, tried and failed miserably at eating anything and had been beyond happy to retreat to their tent where he had asked her, twice, if she'd been hurt and in the end she'd offered to show him. The cold didn't bother her, after all, and they were pretty private where they were. They could sit on the log she had strategically placed outside, or they could go into the tent, it was fine with her either way.

Before that, she had watched him, going through what had become routine as they got ready for bed, packing up everything they could the night before so that they could sleep that extra few bits in the morning, making sure that everything was as safe as it could be and now, as he looked at her shoulders and she tried to hold herself in such a way that he didn't see her back, Faith sighed, a deep sigh from her toes, "I feel like I let you down." Her fingers pressed together, one pad against the other and she felt the pressure there as she pushed, then interlaced her hands together to stop herself from fidgeting. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened, Padraig, I just couldn't move."

Except, of course "Well that is a lie, isn't it? We both know what happened. I fell into role." That worried her, more than she was willing to say at this moment. What if she couldn't ever stop that? She knew, on the one hand, that it had been a month since she was freed, less than that. "If that's my place, if I'd been a slave then I wouldn't be so.. whatever I am, now. But I just stood there." She shook her head, then looked at him and took his hand. "And you. I thought you were going to kill him, I really did." Her expression changed, a slight tinge of mischief showing although small to her usual teasing, but she smiled and looked at him. "You seem to make a habit of saving me. Bandits, cats and now this. You should think about becoming a knight. Get some shining armour." Reaching over she took his hand, wrapping hers into his and leaning against him. "I'm just sorry to cause such a fuss. And I lost my lists"

[Padraig]

If it had seemed to anyone else that she was working alone in and around the camp, it was a poorly constructed facade and they both knew it. That was, if no one else realized, or knew the reasons why. They probably did though. Word had a way of getting around. But Padraig had never let her out of his sight, even if he didn't appear to be there. And to the same extent, he kept an eye out for the presence of someone else too.

"I'm fussing exactly the right amount," he said dryly while examining her bared shoulder, inside their tent. "Or maybe I haven't fussed enough yet." Had he, Padraig wondered if it might not have happened. "You haven't let me down Faith," he told her firmly, but gently as he pulled the fabric of her dress back in place. And then he smiled a little in spite of himself, at the way she twisted and turned in an attempt to hide parts of her from him. "You needn't keep trying to hide yourself from me, and I wish you wouldn't. Have you forgotten how intimate we've been already?" he asked. "If you have, then I've done a lousy job of it."

"By now I know every line, every curve, every dimple on your body from nose to toes. I love each and every one of them." She was teasing him, but he was not when he addressed whether he would have, or wouldn't. "And if he comes near you again, dares to lay a hand on you, even considers it, I will." He didn't make light of the statement when he added, "Those trials are over Faith. No one has the right to put their hands on you that way." No one truly ever did, so far as he was concerned. "Not him, not me, not anyone."

She leaned against him, he relaxed just a little and considered their past together, brief as it was. "If I remember correctly, that cat got the better of us both." But he wasn't about to let her believe that the fault was hers for what had happened. "Maybe you fell into role, and I think it will change in time. But it doesn't change what caused it."

He considered what he'd say next, considered not saying it at all. The lady and captain was her friend after all, and a trusted one. Padraig himself had liked her and the warden when they'd met several evenings previous. But these circumstances were different ones, and she knew how he felt. "I can't pretend for a moment, that I don't think it was madness, or at least a risk I can't believe is worth taking, to give the man a choice." About whether to stay or go, he meant. "If it had been anyone else but you, I'd feel the same." He would in fact, but he'd feel it somewhat less personally than he did.

"I know that the lady Burhan is your friend, and you trust her judgment. And I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to the soldiering rank and file. But a single lapse, one time lashing out unprovoked is a mistake, a lapse that might be forgiven. Two establishes a pattern. It doesn't make a man I'd be willing to show my back to, either at rest or in the thick of it," he said. Especially in the thick of it, when it was all important to know for sure who the enemy was, and wasn't.

[Faith Augustin]

"You are fussing too much", she insisted, but with a smile. However she raised an eyebrow "Not fussed enough? How do you work that out? You've followed me around like some kind of stealthy bodyguard in a camp full of military types. Padraig, I'm fine. I'm not worried about him or what he did, there are a hundred others like him out there. You can't protect me from them all, nor should you have to. It's my reaction I need to work on." She was quite adamant on that and she watched him with a careful gaze as he examined her shoulders. He seemed content that she wasn't hiding a broken bone or some such and Faith rotated both shoulders as though warming up for exercise just to prove to him that she could. "Please, love, don't take anything of this on yourself. Lets just look at it and see what we need to change shall we? No blame, no guilt. We were both doing our best and it happened anyway." Her hand moved and caressed his cheek, her eyes focused just on him. "Let's just put it out in the open, then put it to bed."

But as he pulled her dress back and told her to stop squirming, trying to hide herself from him, she frowned and her confusion was most genuine "But you don't like them. I saw you. When you checked my stitches." Come to think of it, those had been in her shoulder. Maybe she had targets there or something that she couldn't see. "I don't blame you for not liking them, it must look awful back there. I don't look, why should you have to?" What a strange man he was, she considered. Such a peculiar way of looking at the world. "It's not about being intimate, Padraig, you look at me with different eyes, I know. But seeing you look at them reminds me they are there." Reminded her that he would be happier were they not to be there. Not because of her or how she looked, but because of what they were and what they represented. She leant forward and kissed him, a brief and gentle kiss. "You are doing nothing wrong, please stop saying that. When I'm with you, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I promise you. I'm just shoddy at this. But only you, for me, and only me, for you. I know that" But as serious as she was, and as unnerved, she let out a slight chuckle at his next words. "What is it with you and dimples? To my knowledge I don't have any, yet you see them. Have you been hallucinating them long?"

The intensity with which he spoke, though, she could not deny and Faith nodded "I know." That those trials were over, that was. "It's why I'm disappointed in myself for my reaction. I should have kicked him like I did to Fred. Or pinned his arm up his back or, something. I didn't. I'm a free woman making choices and I am not going to be treated like that. I feel like I've let us both down. Both separately and together, which somehow makes three of us. You're the mathematician, you can ponder that." And then, as though she remembered an item on a shopping list at that phrase, she added, as calm as though she was talking about nothing of consequence "Oh. Lady Elyna gave me seeds that will stop me getting pregnant. I'd never taken anything before, she and I had possibly the most awkward conversation ever about that. But I thought I should tell you in case you've worried and it seems like the kind of thing we should talk about." It was delivered as matter-of-factly as if she was warning him that they were about to run out of jam and she'd need to pop to the market.

But when talk turned to Lady Elyna, Faith's face showed her conflicting feelings. "I think", oh what did she think? How to put it into words. "I don't agree with her decision. I don't think it's the right one. But she has earned my respect and trust a hundred times over and a hundred more. And it was her decision to make. If it's too much, and you don't want to stay here because of that, we can talk about it. You take priority in my eyes. But I trust her, Padraig and she knows things about Sintih that she didn't share with me, but she told me she's been talking to him." And then, of course, was the other thing. "Padraig, he doesn't have any blood. When I touch you, I feel your blood. It's like.. because of the mark, I just.. do. But he doesn't have any. I think he's a Yludith. I told Lady Elyna, she didn't seem surprised. I think there's more there than meets the eye" She hoped, anyhow. Because in truth, Lady Elyna's decision didn't make any sense to her, but her bottom line was that she did trust the woman completely.

[Padraig]

She could tell him not to fuss, not to worry, not to keep watch and not to try and protect her from anything and everything that might hurt her. And he'd smile and reassure her that he'd try. But they both knew he'd do it anyway.

"I'll do my best," Padraig told her, smiled, and she was more than capable of reading between the lines. But he did blame himself. At least for not intervening before he had, before she'd gotten hurt. He could have prevented her from happening across the man maybe, or maybe he could have joined her, as soon as he sensed the tension in the air.

But her scars? He shook his head and reassured her. "I don't care how they look. I know they're there, but I don't see them anymore. You're right that I didn't like it the first time I saw them. But it wasn't the scars, it was knowing what caused them," Padraig said. "But that's the past and we've moved on from there. So in the same way that you've changed even since then, so have I. Don't hide them from me," he asked again. "Don't hide any of you from me."

He teased her about the dimples because she maintained she didn't have them. But there were two matching ones, he told her in hushed tones close to her ear, just below the small of her back, each side of it, and they were irresistible. Was it true? She'd have to do an awful lot of twisting and turning in front of a mirror to find out.

But they were back to the question of the captain's decision to keep Sintih in camp rather than send him away, and Padraig's frown returned. And when she revealed what she'd discovered about the man when he'd touched her, the frown deepened. "All the more reason he should have been removed." And it wasn't the race specifically, but the concealment and wearing of a mask, in addition to unpredictability and volatility. "I know the lady is your friend, you trust her and want to believe that she's made the right decision. I understand it. But I don't know her like you do and can't share the same confidence. It would be simpler if I could."

The mention of seeds and pregnancy had passed him by before, but in a moment of silence it came back to him and he lifted a curious brow. "I wasn't worried about it," he admitted. "In fact I hadn't thought of it till now." He probably should have. In fact he definitely should have. "What kind of seeds?" he wondered.

[Faith Augustin]

She looked down at their hands held together with a serious expression as he explained how they'd both changed, why he didn't like the scars initially, but how he didn't see them now. And on not hiding herself from him? "I don't think I know how, even if I wanted to." Tracing her thumb along his with slow movement, her face was a study in intense concentration. "Since I met you, it's been different, I've been different. I only tried not to show you because I knew it upset you. There's no part of me, Padraig, I promise you. No hiding." She lifted her head and looked at him, her gaze meeting his "All of me, for you. Scars and everything. Toes to nose. But that goes for both of us. No hiding. Protect me out there, in here, too. But let me do the same back? All of you, for me." It was the flecks of dark colour in his amber eyes, she considered, which intrigued her. "Deal?"

Such a serious conversation though, and yet when he whispered into her ear, Faith burst into laughter. From such intensity, such serious discussion regarding such an event and then he went and told her that? She shook her head in obvious disbelief and twisted around trying, unsuccessfully to catch sight of where he was talking about. As she almost either upended the tent by leaning too far or, conversely, risked falling out of it should it rip, she let out a small, but very definite snort, lifting one hand to her nose in surprise "I did not make that noise! There is .. an escaped pig or something. Padraig! How did you. No, not that. When did you. No, not that either. Just. Really? It isn't nice to tease you know." She knelt back down, blushing furiously. "I do not believe you. It isn't true, and I didn't snort. You don't scream like a girl, and I don't snort. I an unmoved from this position. And I don't have dimples either." It was rare that Faith laughed and she had to admit, it felt good to do so.

"I know", she put her hand on his cheek, the laughter just a brief respite for them because the reality was not anywhere near funny. "I know you don't know her, but Padraig, I'm not talking about just a friend. We fought zombies together, I served her when she was held captive, she held my hair and rubbed my back as I threw up after the first battle I was ever in. I held her hand as we fled from the tent where Velijorn was killed and I held on to her as she flew the dragon to Tristan's house. I stitched up her husband's artery as she held it together for me and she put the stitches in my shoulder. It isn't that I think I can trust, it's that I have had to and she has never once let me down. I think it's the wrong decision, I do. But I won't believe that she did it for anything but the right reasons. And I'm sorry, but that is all I have and I have to ask you for it to be enough, because it's all I've got."

She turned, leaning into his arms and rested against him. It was nice, just the quiet moments where they were just them together and they were rare moments, too, so she appreciated them all the more. With her head nestled against his chest he could feel her smile when he asked about the seeds. Although, come to think of it. "You didn't worry? Is that irresponsible and reckless or suggesting that you want children?" Lifting her head, she looked at him with something resembling surprise and a little touch of concern on her face, which grew as she considered what he might be saying. "Because that seems a little speedy to me. I love you. I do. And if you want to, we can talk about it, of course we can. But I can tell you how the conversation is going to end and it will end with me taking the seeds or you seeing far less of my dimples and from a much greater distance, because I'm not ready for that. Not yet." Panic. That was what this feeling was, she realised and all concerns about Sintih had flown out of the tent and were back on the way to Andaris. "I mean. That is. Well, it's all just.. I mean. Padraig, I only just got free and I prayed every month I was with Tristan that I wouldn't be pregnant and if you.. I mean.. I don't even." She lifted one hand and pinched the bridge of her nose, a trick she had learnt since childhood and she forced herself to breathe slowly, something which had been increasing in rate since she'd had a slight inkling. "What are you saying? Because if it is what you want, lets discuss it" Or, please, she thought, he's just as reckless and irresponsible as me. That would be just great.

[Padraig]

No hiding? Mutual protection, him for her, her for him? In spite of the serious sentiment, he smiled at her and opted for teasing. The past few breaks had been as serious as they came. Something to lighten the mood wouldn't go amiss, he thought. For both of them, though he'd never truly relax so long as the man who'd hurt her, and would again if given the opportunity Padraig believed, was anywhere nearby. Like on the same continent. "I am an open book," he stated dryly. "The soul of cooperation, a paragon of good temperament. A deal," he agreed.

Teasing her about snorting and dimples further succeeded at distracting her from the stress she was under. Which was in part his aim, whether those things weren't the case, or were. "I tease you because I love you. And because each of your quirks make me love you all the more," he maintained. "And I don't scream like a girl. If I ever did, it was an isolated event and for good reason. That cat was certifiable and I don't know how Tristan sleeps soundly at night when that thing is lurking around." Funny, he hadn't liked her former master much. Still didn't really. He couldn't imagine they'd ever be good friends. On the other hand, recent experience had revealed that distaste was relative really. There was only one soul he could think of now, whose actions could be considered unforgivable.

Which brought them back to the lady Elyna's decision to allow the man to stay. "I understand, Faith." He did. She and the captain had a history, a friendship that went beyond the ordinary. He didn't have that history, and wasn't going to lie to her about his feelings regarding the situation. "I can't pretend that I approve of her decision." Though I'm only a civilian here and my opinion in that regard doesn't count for much if anything. "I won't lie and say I believe my opinion will change. It's not personal, it's just a decision I don't agree with. But for you," he offered, "Well, I can accept that you have faith enough in her reasons for doing it." It wasn't much, so far as common ground went, and he couldn't fathom what reasons the lady might have had, that might've changed his mind. But as much a sliver of common ground as it was, it was all he could offer at present.

But how such a simple statement such as I didn't worry about it could have launched her into a fit of anxiety, was completely beyond him. Padraig's eyes widened in surprise, then an expression of confusion took over. Complete befuddlement. It took a trill more to realize what she was worried about to the point of panicking, and he shook his head in response. He really should learn to communicate better. Or differently at least.

"Whoa, slow down there," he said, and it was a trill more before she did. "When I said I didn't worry or think about it, that's exactly what I meant." He hadn't thought for a moment that she'd be thinking about a child, and it had been the farthest thing from his mind. "There was nothing between the lines there. I don't want...Or at least I don't think...Well," he tried again. "I'm not ready to think about children." In fact they unnerved him. The youngest ones were noisy, unpredictable and smelled funny. And as they grew they got sticky, got no quieter and tended towards a complete lack of logic.

Was he one of those men whose views would change when a child of his own was placed in his hands? Would he be the proudest of fathers then? Maybe. Stranger things had happened and he wouldn't rule anything out. But now? Nope, hadn't considered it. "What I meant, is what I said Faith. You don't need to worry about that at all. I wasn't thinking, not at all. Therefore I didn't worry about it," he said again.

[Faith Augustin]

An open book? She raised an eyebrow at him and kept her opinion on not discussing what language said book was written in to herself. Because it certainly was not one she could decipher. But then, the soul of co-operation and a paragon of good temper? Her eyebrow lifted further and she met his gaze with her own "You forgot humble, patient and misunderstood." She was teasing him, of course, as he was her, but she smiled and nodded, just once. "Deal. No hiding." He was trying to lighten things, she knew that and she felt gratitude and love in equal measure at that. Then he told her, that he teased her because he loved her and Faith squeezed his hand, looking at him with delight and a whole range of emotions in her eyes.

"I know", she whispered, her smile softening as she looked at him. "I have decided that there is no sense in questioning how or why it happened, but I know you do. Just as I know how I feel about you. I have concluded that there is not a scrap of sense in wondering how I got so lucky, how we both did. But here, where there are no secrets between us?" She moved so that her head was next to his, her mouth at the side of his ear as she whispered "You screamed like a seven arc old girl whose pigtails had been pulled. I have never heard such a noise. It was adorable." If they were going to be honest and discuss dimples and snorts, well, he was not getting away that easily, and that was that. But as to how Tristan slept soundly at night, Faith shook her head. "That cat adores him. I mean, really adores him. It turns into a purring, soppy creature at the sight of him. It just hates everyone else. Especially me and especially you." She looked at him and sighed "And I hate to say it, but I think you might be right, you know. I think Sintih did have feelings for me. I don't want to be the person who leaves a trail of broken people behind me, Padraig. That doesn't feel good at all. But then", she considered and then her face cleared and broke into a smile, "They will just have to live with it. My heart belongs to you, no other. Freely given." It genuinely felt like a weight off her shoulders as she realised that. If Tristan was in love with her, if Sintih had a crush on her, that was theirs and she could not do anything about it. All she could do is be where she chose, with who she chose. And she was.

And who she chose was falling on the wonderful, marvellous and utterly in line with her way of thinking, reckless and thoughtless when it came to taking Moseke's mist and the consequences of not doing so. Faith slowed her breathing and looked at him with a baleful expression. "You know. You.. ", she relaxed, although it was a slow process and she eyed him warily. "Good. Just... good. I don't want either. Very much all good in not wanting. I need to find another means of making sure it doesn't happen, because I read that long term, Moseke's mist can be bad for you, cause lethargy and so on. But I need to do more reading and I will once we get home." She looked most serious when she explained "I read up a lot on birth and baby care when Lady Elyna asked Tristan if she could borrow me when Elsie was born. I thought I should read up on birth just in case, and I think I'm all good, thanks. And as far as I can ascertain, whilst Elsie is completely adorable, all babies are just incontinent one end and incomprehensible the other. If we want that, lets get a dog, it sounds much less work." She was entirely serious as she nodded and sighed, relieved that he felt the same way (in her mind, he was happy with the dog analogy too, oh yes, all good). "Sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to over react. Shall we just try and get some sleep?"

Before anyone else got any bright ideas, she considered and she smiled a wicked smile. "Or I could teach you to knit? Seven arc old girls do that, too...."

[Siren]

Name: Faith

Knowledge:
Padraig: Learning his routine
Psychology: Falling into old roles
Padraig: Doesn’t want you to hide yourself from him
Padraig: Knows all your curves
Padraig: Will kill Sintih if he comes near you again
Padraig: No one has the rights to put hands on you
Padraig: Isn’t happy with Elyna’s decision
Padraig: Doesn’t like your scars
Padraig: Doesn’t see your scars anymore
Padraig: Didn’t like your scars because of what caused them
Padraig: Hadn’t worried or thought of you getting pregnant
Padraig: Can’t trust Elyna like you do
Padraig: Says you have two dimples on your back
Padraig: Good at distracting you with humor
Padraig: Loves you
Padraig: Loves your quirks
Padraig: Not ready for kids
Sintih: May have had feelings for you

Loot: N/A
Injuries: Bruises on the shoulder that will fade in 2 trials
Fame: N/A

Story: 5
Collaboration: 5
Structure: 5

Name: Padraig

Knowledge:
Faith: Learning her routine
Faith: Feels like you let her down
Psychology: Falling into old roles
Faith: Feels bad about causing such a fuss
Faith: Lost her lists
Faith: You looking at her scars reminds her they’re there
Faith: Has no dimples, yet you see them
Faith: Wants to address what went wrong without guilt or blame
Faith: Taking seeds to prevent pregnancy
Faith: Isn’t happy with Elyna’s decision, either
Faith: Trusts Elyna
Faith: Can feel people’s blood
Sintih: Has no blood
Sintih: Maybe a Yludih
Faith: Doesn’t snort if you don’t scream like a girl
Faith: Has many reasons to trust Elyna
Faith: Not ready for kids
Faith: Loves you
Faith: Thinks Sintih may have had feelings for her

Loot: N/A
Injuries: N/A
Fame: N/A

Story: 5
Collaboration: 5
Structure: 5

Comment:
These two are so cute with their teasing and how well they get along with each other, but oh man I want a romance thread with you guys so bad! I never get to see that part of them! Great story, structure looked fine to me. Obviously, good collaboration.

If you feel that I've missed anything or have any questions or comments, please PM me!