• Closed • All I Have to Do Is Dream....

[Elisabeth Black]

Arc 721, 28 Ashan

Nodding as he told her she didn’t need to apologize, she was happy to leave that part of the conversation there. He said what he needed to, and she understood what he was telling her, grinning as his foot nudged her knee.

How he was feeling? That was a different conversation and one they had needed to have for a while. Elisabeth listened – intently and with understanding. It was a question she had wanted to know the answer to for a while and circumstances had finally allowed him to tell her.

As Balthazar finished, she gently moved her body closer to his, laying her head on his shoulder. She knew about the being alone feeling. Praetorum had clued her in to that during their conversation after he arrived. As well, Elisabeth knew there was nothing she could do to ease how he felt about being cut off from his magic. “Prae described to me what it felt like, to be cut off from magic that is so deeply engrained. I confess I can’t imagine or know what that feels like. I only experienced a small piece of it. Maybe that gives me a very small window into how you are feeling now and if so, I can’t imagine.”

It was difficult, knowing Balthazar was in pain and that there was nothing she could do to help. Elisabeth would gladly have taken on the pain for him if she had been able to.

“When we sparred that one night, the flags? I was upset I had to use Defiance against you. I hated that. I know you teach to use all the tools one has but I really, really hated that moment. So many reasons. I knew if I didn’t, you would have been disappointed. It was the one tool I had that no one else did. That doesn’t mean I enjoyed it.”

Smiling a bit, she decided to let him in on the one thing she had figured out.

“I did figure out that you are keeping our relationship private. Took me a few trials. I was a little confused at first but then it made sense and I agree. It’s hard, not to say the things I want to say or doing the things I want to do but I agree. I want what we have to be for us alone.” Rubbing her head gently against his shoulder, she then raised it a little, laying her chin on it, gazing softly at him.

“It’s not forever, Balthazar. You will have your magic back. But out of everything, the one thing I know for sure…is that you are never alone. Not anymore. I understand it feels like that, I do…but there have been moments where I’ve felt alone too and all I do is look at you and just know. You make me feel safe to acknowledge all the crap we’ve been through because I see you…and know whatever I’m going through, you’ll be there for me. Whatever you are going through, I’m here for you. Even if I can’t understand it, I’m here. Always. Get angry. Get frustrated. Feel what you need to feel. I’m here.”

Rubbing his arm gently, she just sat there, letting what she said sink in, but added one more thought. Speaking softly, being close to him, it felt appropriate. “You love me. That makes me feel safe to feel what demands to be felt. Let me be that for you too. Always.”

[Balthazar Black]

28 Ashan 721

Balthazar didn't say much and very little about his physical appearance seemed to shift as Elisabeth responded to the things he had said about how he was doing. As she spoke about her conversation with Praetorum, his description of what it was like, and her 'small window' from when her spark had been cut off from her, Balthazar stared out at the water. He was listening but it seemed as if his mind was drifting elsewhere. He didn't want it to. He'd have preferred to be in the moment but the conversation had him thinking. He didn't offer anything in way of a response to her suggestion that she had a small window into what it was like for him because it was not a conversation he wanted to have. He did not want to compare their experiences because of how different they were. The moment he said he'd lead a settlement their experiences had diverged.

When she shifted the conversation to a few trials prior when they'd been sparing and told him about how much she'd hated using magic against him, he turned and gave her a somewhat strange look. It was some cross between confusion and disbelief. Something she'd said stood out to him and he thought it needed to be addressed. "Had to?" His strange look held for a few trills before his eyes narrowed, "You didn't have to. You never have to use your magic just like you never have to use your sword. If you'd been sparring with someone who didn't know you were a mage and you did, you'd be breaking the law." He paused again to gauge her reaction to what he'd said before he continued, "The point of the lesson was not to provoke you into using the elements against me. It was to teach you to coordinate an attack while your enemy is watching you." That was as nicely as he could say he hadn't wanted her to use magic against him either. "I'm sorry that was not more clear."

Elisabeth let Balthazar in on her slow discovery and Balthazar grinned. If she'd figured it out, it certainly didn't stop her from poking at him whenever they were together. She said she wanted what they had to be just theirs and Balthazar shook his head a little. "Its not that- not necessarily that. I don't mind being us around Balder, Silk, or even Ronan- really any of the settlers. I just can't stand the thought of it being reported to Kura. A lot of the 'evidence' they had from Rharne pointed to one thing. I focused too much on you when I should have been working to kill the remaining flameborn and to train the larger population of Storm's Edge- or when I should have been back here." Balthazar looked back out at the ocean as the waved crashed into the orange sand. It was a little more vibrant here but orange all the same. "I don't regret staying there and being with you, but it certainly did not help my case in the trial. I don't want Kura to think I'm unfit because I want to give you more attention than others, so I try not to show it."

She had also said that this sentence wouldn't be forever but it was an empty promise. It would last until someone who was not as biased as she was towards him decided otherwise. They could be attacked and murdered by creatures from the Badlands tomorrow. She could be attacked and killed by pirates. Hundreds of things could happen between the moment they were in and the time the decision was made to give him back his magic. There were no guarantees in life, pretending there were only set you up for disappointment. She said he was never alone and he laughed under his breath then hit her gently on the arm. Was she making a joke? Did she have any idea how aware he was that he wasn't ever really alone? He understood what she meant but if she thought he was going to pass up the chance to point out what she'd said, she was mistaken. It was easier than admitting that when he saw her he felt like he was in a constricting box. Always wanting to do things he couldn't but content none the less because he got to see her, she was safe, and she was with him.

"Of course I'm not! Miranda, Trean, and Tib'ron every trial, every break." He pointed out with exasperated amusement for a few trills before laying back in the sand and looking up at the sky. "You have no idea what it is like, Elisabeth. You see them when you see me but they are always around. Always over my shoulder looking at the letters I'm writing, always close enough to hear my conversations, always near enough that I can practically smell them. I'd say I've forgotten what it's like to bathe without someone watching me but I can't forget anything!" He took a breath, "I understand what you meant, but if you really understand what any of this is like, you know why I can't feel what needs to be felt. I need to be in control. I need to be calm. I felt what needed to be felt during the trial and could have very well lost you if I didn't do a better job of keeping it in." He hadn't felt the things he felt like he needed to feel since he had been marked by Vri. Instead he'd felt things he was certain he enjoyed feeling.

Especially love.

"I don't need you to be anything for me. I did not fall in love with the girl who changed for me. I fell for the one I met in that tavern in Rharne. Be you, despite what you might think I want, and that will always be enough."

[Elisabeth Black]

Arc 721, 28 Ashan

She loved Balthazar – nothing would ever change that. But it was becoming clear that trying to be supportive in attempting to understand what he was going through wasn’t working as she wanted it to. Elisabeth understood and as such, wasn’t upset. She wanted him to feel heard and because of that, she listened to what he had to say, knowing that most of it had been pent up inside of him for trial upon trial.

It was a lot to process. She had wanted to hear what he had to say for a while, and he was certainly giving her what she wanted. The one thing she didn’t do - analyze the information. He had asked her not to and she wanted to grant him that request. Take the information at face value, nothing more.

It was a lot of information.

The first topic he chose to address was the group unarmed exercise. She didn’t need to be gifted in observation to tell he hadn’t been a fan of that either, but probably not in the way she thought. How would she feel if something that was a part of her was ripped away suddenly and then used in front of her? Elisabeth had a good analogy in her mind for something that might produce a similar reaction, but she decided not to think on it too long – it hurt just to consider it. The point was, she had an idea of what he was speaking of.

Smiling a bit, she countered his comments with one purely pointed at the exercise itself. “Oh, that was made clear. Just a little too late for me and without much knowledge of group tactics, I found myself struggling at the moment.”

Moving into more familiar territory, speaking about their relationship, she returned his grin gently. So, it was the reporting of such that bothered him? Interesting. The rest, however, came as a shock to her in a few ways. The actual admitting that he wanted to give her more attention than he did, that was a bit of a surprise. Balthazar always spoke more openly with her than others but even that admission was beyond what he would typically confess. Whenever he dropped little snippets of his feelings for her like that, it always made her feel incredibly loved. “I understand, love. I don’t regret any of our time together either, past or present.”

Watching him lay back in the sand, expressing his thoughts on ‘being alone’, she leaned over, gazing down at him. He was right – she didn’t know how it felt. Any of it. For whatever inconveniences the shadows presented for her, it was much more for him. “You’re right, Balthazar. I don’t know. I’m not professing to. There’s only one thing I’m here professing really…” She left the comment there. The words didn’t need to be spoken.

And that’s when he went and surprised her again. Losing her? Was he still worried about that? It was beyond simply being afraid she would have had enough and leave. They were beyond that. This was something different. Her being taken from him. In truth, that was the only way she would ever be lost to him – against her will – and even at that, she had doubts. Elisabeth knew the depths of her love for him, and they included no boundaries or arbitrary guidelines. His comment was highlighted by the fact that it was the second time in their relationship that he spoke of his fear of losing her.

It was at that moment that an idea sprang into her mind. It wasn’t something she was ready to speak about…yet. Even the very idea of it was something she hadn’t really considered but maybe when she returned to Haven, it was time to at least start.

Leaning over him, she gently caressed his cheek “ I will always be that girl in the tavern, Balthazar Black. And just as you fell in love with her, that girl fell in love too. With an extraordinary man that listens to her, considers her thoughts, and loves her with every fiber of his being. And not only that, he shows her every trial how much he loves her, including this one…and now.”

Grinning softly, her cerulean eyes danced with a bit of mischief.

“And if he doesn’t mind, she would really like to kiss him now…because she has missed doing that terribly…”

[Balthazar Black]

28 Ashan 721

Balthazar did not comment on their unarmed training session again because they were not training at the moment. If they had been he'd have told her what he did when he approached a situation he needed to solve and he didn't have the knowledge he needed to solve it, but that was instead going to be a lesson for another time. If they got one. He said what he felt, at least what he felt in the moment, and she responded with more or less understanding and an effort not to analyze him- at least not an audible one. He could see her gears turning just as she saw his when he was paying attention. She claimed not to be professing anything and then proceeded to profess quite of few things. Promising she would always be that same girl while he knew it was not true. She was far from what she'd been back then. Motivated by entirely different things in a different place around new people. They didn't talk about the same things either. Everything had changed, including them.

However Elisabeth diverted the topic with a mischievous glance that Balthazar knew all too well and he smirked at her. Whatever words might have been spoke in response to what she'd said were lost in his little grin and understanding. His dark eyes locked with hers and he inched slowly closer to her face. He thought of a lot of clever things to say as he came closer to her but none of them seemed to pass his lips. Instead he gave in. "As you wish," and he leaned forward, one hand rising from the sand, wiping the sand off on his leg, and then risng to caress the side of her face as he kissed her.

[Elisabeth Black]

Arc 721, 28 Ashan

The moment he smirked back at her was the moment she knew that he was very aware of what she was thinking. There were a few areas that the couple needed absolutely no words to understand each other's intentions and that just happened to be one of them. More to the point, it was the one area that Elisabeth never felt needed words, and she liked words for everything.

Letting her hand drift against his cheek, her cerulean gaze found a set of dark eyes looking back at her, finding herself grinning back at him….at least until his lips found hers.

There was nothing on the face of Idalos that could stop Elisabeth in her tracks like one of his kisses. She could be thinking a million things, but those kisses made all rational thought vanish, leaving her mind a barren wasteland, filled with thoughts of only him.

Once their lips parted, her eyes found Balthazar’s again, smiling impishly as her words were whispered softly. “Missed might have been a vast understatement, love.” Sliding down next to him in the sand, Elisabeth gently laid her head on his chest, dark curls splayed across his torso, sighing contently as she listened to his heartbeat.

Tangling her fingers with his, she simply laid there, enjoying the moment with him. They didn’t get many and she didn’t want to waste a single second of the gift they had been given. One never knew when life would throw a wrinkle into one’s path, so she was determined to wring every last drop of happiness out of their relationship she could and enjoy it with him.