• Solo • Painful Reality

[Tei'serin Nji'ryn]

1st Vhalar, 721


Agony tore through Tei'serin's shoulder as she shifted in her sleep, plagued by uneasy dreams. The pain jolted her awake. For several trills, all she could do was breathe heavily as she struggled through the wave of agony. Every night since U'frek had kidnapped her and dragged her into the events that had led up to her meeting a dragon, she had dreamed of the events leading up to her getting injured. Sometimes she relived the events exactly as they had played out in reality. Those were bad enough. Other times there were changes; some small, some really big. Things that Tei'serin could have said or done that could have changed the outcome of what happened. Those dreams were worse. In some, she died; either killed by the Aukari or of her injuries afterwards. But other times...other times she dreamed that she was just a little bit stronger, or faster, or better in some way. In those dreams, her injuries had been far less severe than they were now. And in others, she dreamed that she had never been injured at all. Those dreams were the worst because they made her desperately wish for something that could never be.

And I have no one to blame for my injuries but myself. she thought ruefully.

It had been arcs since Moseke had asked her to get stronger. And she had. She had learned the use of two different weapons well enough that she was able to use them at a level of skill where she wasn't more of a threat to herself with the weapons than she was the enemy. But it clearly had not been enough. She had been her own worst enemy in that battle. She had hesitated when she should have acted. She had focused more on defense than on offense. And this was the result.

Tei'serin didn't think she would hesitate to take the offensive again if she was ever in another battle...but the idea that she would ever be able to fight again was laughable to her. None of the healers had told her the extent of her injuries yet. Instead, they just told her to rest and focus on healing. And that was never a good sign. Tei'serin knew that the healers wanted to make sure that she was strong enough to handle the information before they told her the extent of her injuries, and that told her that the damage was severe. As a skilled healer herself, she had already suspected that. Tei'serin was fairly certain that there would be permanent damage. The only question left in her mind was how much there would be.

Pain was a part of her reality now. It wasn't a constant thing, of course. The healers were managing her pain with medication that was very effective for the most part. But there were always times like this when the dose she had taken the night before had worn off, and she woke up before the healers could come by with her first dose for the morning. Fortunately she never had to wait long when this happened.

[Tei'serin Nji'ryn]

A knock on the door was quickly followed by the arrival of Rue Westfield, the healer who had been handling her case. After a brief question about how she was feeling, the healer gave Tei'serin her next dose of pain killing medication. Tei'serin took it quickly, and breathed a sigh of relief as it began to take effect.

Tei'serin cooperated with the exam that Rue gave her. She always did. While she was frustrated about being kept in the dark about the extent of her injuries, she wanted to heal as much as she could as quickly as she could. And that meant doing what the healers told her. She was good at doing what she was told.

Once the examination was finished and her bandages were changed, Tei'serin expected that her healer would ask her if she needed anything before she left to check on another patient. Instead, Rue watched her carefully for several trills.

"Your injuries are healing very well, Tei'serin. Better than I expected, to be honest." she told Tei'serin very carefully.

Tei'serin's eyes widened briefly. That was...unexpected. As a healer, she had known that the injuries she had sustained were severe. Add that to the fact that no one had told her anything about her injuries for the five trials she had been here so far, and she had expected to hear that her injuries were severe enough that she wouldn't recover from them completely. And judging from Rue's words, that was not the case at all. Instead, Rue seemed to be implying that she would heal completely. That was wonderful news...but it was also news that Tei'serin wasn't sure that she could trust. Rue wouldn't lie to her...would she? Tei'serin wondered about that for a while. If she was lying, there was no sign of it in Rue's expression or tone. And yet...the healer in Tei'serin couldn't help but remind her of how serious the injuries had been. At the same time, she wanted to believe Rue when she implied that she would heal completely. So much so that she decided not to question it for now. Instead, she nodded.

"I'm glad to hear that." she said simply when Rue seemed to be looking for some kind of response from her.

"But you were injured severely, and there will be long term effects from your injuries."

That had been more along the lines of what Tei'serin had been expecting to hear, so she simply nodded. Her mind was racing, though. It seemed that rather than implying that she would heal completely, Rue was trying to brace her for something. Or give her bad news gently, perhaps.

"What can I expect?" she asked after a while.

"Your left shoulder and hip were shattered. The open wounds are healing nicely, but the shattered joints are another matter."

Once again, Tei'serin nodded. She knew enough about healing to know that shattered joints would not heal themselves the way a broken bone would.

"Is the damage permanent?"

"We've done all that we can for you right now, but it is too soon to know whether the damage will be permanent or not. One factor in how well you will heal is the effort you put into getting better, and your attitude towards your injuries. It is important that you stay positive and believe that you will get better. While that alone won't guarantee that you will heal fully, giving up will ensure that you won't."

Tei'serin considered Rue's words. She knew that having a positive attitude was important when recovering from a severe injury. In fact, she had told her own patients as much at times. But knowing that, and being able to do that were two very different things. Hope wasn't something that Tei'serin had much of, and much of what hope she did have was focused on the hope that her family were alive and well, and that she would see them again some trial. She had very little left for anything else. Even so...she wasn't a quitter. She wouldn't still be alive if she was. And if there was even the slightest chance that she could recover fully from her injuries, Tei'serin would do everything in her power to give herself the best chance she could of achieving that. So she nodded again.

"What can I expect in the short term?"

"You will need five more trials of complete bed rest, but after that, you can begin learning how to get around again. And in the mean time, there are strength building exercises you can do to increase the strength of your good arm and leg that will make life easier for you."

"I will have to learn how to get around again?"

Rue nodded.

"Yes. You aren't going to be able to walk around normally in just five trials. It isn't impossible that you will be able to walk normally again, but it will not happen quickly, if it does happen. We will give you a wheelchair that will allow you to move about the paths that run through the city. And you will have a crutch that will help you if you need to go somewhere that you can't get to via the paths. Between the two, you will be able to move about on your own once you learn how to use them properly. And we'll give you a sling for your arm so that it won't dangle uselessly while it continues to heal. You will also be given exercises that you will need to do in order to prevent the muscles in your injured arm from atrophying while it heals. You will be able to use your left hand to do some things while your arm is healing, but any movement of that arm will be painful due to the damage to your shoulder. Likewise, using your left leg will be painful as well while it heals, so using the wheelchair whenever possible will be the best thing you can do. You will be given a medicine that will help with the pain that can be taken for long periods of time without harm to manage the pain as needed."

Tei'serin nodded. She said nothing for quite some time as she processed the information she had been given. A lot of questions raced through her mind. What would she do with herself for the time being? How would she support herself? She had enough money that she didn't have to have a job if she didn't want one, but that wasn't the point. She wanted...no...needed to do something with herself. She was at her best when she felt useful to others. And if nothing else, she needed a distraction from the thought that Thorin could return at any time. If she had nothing meaningful to do to distract her, then the fear of the man would eat her alive.

But what could she do? She couldn't be a healer while she was injured as badly as she was, that was for certain. How would she manage to make the herbal remedies that she needed? Would she be able to make them if she was unable to stand for long enough to make the remedies? Getting to the fire when she needed to heat something up would be a problem as well, though with that she would be able to get there in her wheelchair once she learned how to use it.

Even if she could find a way to make herbal remedies, she wouldn't be able to treat patients. Not as a cripple. And that was what she was at the moment, even if it might not be permanent. It still might take seasons or even cycles for her to heal fully...if it happened at all. No. When it happened. Rue had told her how important it was to have a positive attitude about this, and even without being told, Tei'serin knew that it was important. So. She would recover fully eventually. For now though, she would have to find something else she could do. But what? She was a healer. That was who and what she was. She used to be a teacher as well, but there were no schools here as there had been in Treth. There was no need for the kind of teacher that she knew how to be.

Then there was Thorin. Her injuries weren't something that she could hide from him. He would know that she had been up to something that he wouldn't approve of the trill he saw her, and he would want to know what and why. She wouldn't be able to avoid telling him. Thorin would punish her for getting caught up in the event that led to her injuries, but the punishment for defying him would be far worse. And refusing to answer a direct question would be seen as defiance. He might also find out that it had all started when she had been practicing with her bow. She would be punished for that as well if he ever found out. Knowing how to defend herself definitely went against Thorin's wishes.

"Thank you for telling me." Tei'serin said at last.

[Tei'serin Nji'ryn]

"Would you like to speak to someone about this?" Rue asked gently after the silence had stretched on for a while.

Tei'serin hesitated. She knew the "right" answer, of course. As a healer, she had often suggested that a patient seek counseling when she had to give them bad news about their health. Likewise, she suggested it to the friends and family members of a patient who died despite her best efforts to heal them. While this wasn't the same as suffering the loss of a loved one, she had suffered a loss, and Tei'serin acknowledged that.

And yet...what would talking to someone about her loss actually accomplish? Talking about her injuries wasn't going to change the fact that she had been injured. Or that it might not have happened had she been a better fighter...or even if she had just acted differently than she had. Nor would it guarantee that she would recover fully. That was simply something she was going to have to accept and move on with her life. She was good at that. She would learn how to use the crutch and the wheelchair they were going to give her. She would also master the strength building exercises they wanted to teach her, and the ones that would prevent the muscles of her injured arm from atrophying. She would do the exercises she was supposed to do when she was supposed to do them without fail And she would move on from there. She was used to that. More than that, she was determined to get back as much mobility as she possibly could as quickly as possible. If that meant learning how to use a crutch and a wheelchair for now, then so be it.

Tei'serin suspected that if anyone knew what Thorin and his men had done to her over the arcs, they would suggest that she seek help for that as well. But that wasn't an option; not if she didn't want to see whoever she asked for help die because of her. If she ever told anyone about Thorin, he would know. People would die. And even if she herself survived the punishment she earned for telling someone things they didn't need to know, Tei'serin knew that her family would not. Or perhaps they would, and she would simply never see them again. Never know how they were, or what Thorin was doing to them because of her. That wasn't something that she was prepared to risk.

Then again...there was a reason why healers suggested that their patients seek counseling for things like this. Otherwise, why suggest it at all? Tei'serin knew this too.

"Perhaps in a couple of trials when I've had time for all of this to sink in. Right now, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. It would be difficult to talk about how I feel about this when I am not sure how I feel about it myself yet." Tei'serin said quietly.

Rue frowned, but she nodded after a few bits.

"Let me know when you are ready." she said at last.

Tei'serin nodded.

"I will. For now though...you mentioned some strength building exercises I could learn?"

"Yes, of course."

Rue offered Tei'serin what looked like a small blue ball. Tei'serin took it, but she looked at Rue questioningly, wondering how a child's toy could help her. The ball was small enough to fit into the palm of her hand.

"Give the ball a good squeeze. Don't worry about breaking it. It won't break."

Tei'serin did as she was told, and found that there was some give to it. It felt as though the ball was filled with sand, or something similar.

"The first exercise I want you to do is to hold that ball in the palm of your good hand, and squeeze it as hard as you can. Hold that for a count of twenty trills, then release it. Doing that several times a trial for sets of thirty or so each time will strengthen your grip. That will help you when it comes to using both your wheelchair, and your cane. It has the added benefit of being a good stress reliever if you imagine that the ball is the source of your stress while you are doing the exercise. You can also do that exercise with your left hand to help keep the muscles of your hand from atrophying due to lack of use."

Tei'serin nodded. She squeezed the ball a few times experimentally. At first, she squeezed it lightly, but when it really didn't break, she gradually used more pressure until she was squeezing it as hard as she could. She could feel the effect that the simple exercise had on her fingers. It also felt...satisfactory in a way, as if she was releasing some of her frustrations. Tei'serin could see why Rue had told her that it was a good stress reliever.

"Go ahead and try a set of thirty now so you will know what it feels like."

Tei'serin did as she was told once more. It was such a simple thing, but at the same time, it was harder than she expected to do. By the time she had done it ten times, she could really feel it. And by the time she had completed a full set, her hand was aching a bit.

"That's harder than it seems." she said when she was finished.

Rue nodded.

"It will help you, though. You need to keep up with it."

"I will."

Tei'serin meant it. She may be crippled for now, but she was going to fight for every bit of mobility that she could get.

"Another thing that will help you to build up your arm strength is to lift weights."

Rue handed set a piece of metal that looked as though it was a pipe with a round piece of metal attached to each end on her bed. Then she looked at Tei'serin and hesitated.

"It is important that be optimistic about this. Having a positive mindset will have an effect on how quickly you heal. It won't be easy at first, but you will be mobile again. And you will still be able to be a productive member of the community. You will be able to do everything you used to do in the past. You will just need to find different ways to do it while you are still healing. This isn't the end of the world by any means."

Tei'serin thought about Rue's words for a few trills. The healer had already told her how important having a positive outlook would be in the healing process. But she supposed that it was worth saying again. It was also possible that Tei'serin had not showed her determination to do whatever it took clearly enough. So she nodded.

"I know." she said softly.

Rue must have heard and understood the quiet determination in Tei'serin's voice because she nodded after a trill, and went back to explaining the next exercise.

"This is a hand weight. It weighs one pound. I want you to pick it up, and keep your arm extended to its full length as you raise it up to your shoulder level. Then I want you to hold the weight like that for twenty trills and set it down again. When you do this exercise on your own, you will do it in sets of ten several times a trial to start with. As that becomes easier for you to do, you will gradually work your way up to sets of thirty. And when you can do that easily, you will start using a heavier weight. The next one up weighs three pounds. The one after that weighs five pounds, and so on."

Tei'serin did the exercise exactly as she was told. It was easy enough for her to do, but she could feel the weight she was holding, and realized that doing a full set would be tiring.

"Another exercise you can do is to hold the weight and extend your arm out as far as it will go with your palm facing up. Then slowly bend your arm upwards so that your fist is pointing up to the ceiling. Like with the first exercise using this weight, you will do it in sets of ten several times a trial to start with, and work your way up to sets of thirty. Both exercises will strengthen the muscles in your arm, but each one will strengthen a different muscle."

Tei'serin tried this exercise as well. Like the first, one repetition was easy enough to do, but she could tell that doing a full set would be tiring...at least at first.

"What does it mean to be strong?" she asked Rue abruptly.

"I used to think that I knew what it meant, but now I am not so sure."

"May I ask why you are asking me this?" Rue asked carefully.

"Moseke asked me to get stronger once. This happened a long time ago. And I did...or at least I thought I did. I learned how to use two different weapons. I'm not great at using them, but I can fight with them if I must. But it wasn't enough. I still got injured this badly the next time I found myself in a fight for my life. And now...well...now it seems unlikely that I will be able to defend myself anytime soon if I have to."

Even as she said that, Tei'serin wondered how true that was. Even if she couldn't use a weapon again until she healed, she had an ability that would allow her to put an enemy to sleep for a few bits. That might give her the time she needed to escape. And if not, she might be able to learn how to use a knife with her good arm. It wouldn't help her in a fight, but if her enemy was asleep, she might be able to do something to make sure that they were no longer a threat to her. She also had the ability that could turn her to stone that could be used as protection. And she had the ability that would allow her to imprison an enemy in a shield of stone and dirt, or use the same to protect herself. She could also summon a small sprite, familiar, or wisp to help her in times of need. She would have to practice using the ability so that it wouldn't exhaust her to use it, but the summoned creature might help her in combat, healing, or in other ways if she could persuade it to do so. The trick was...and this was why she hadn't tried practicing with it in the past...she would need to have something to offer the summoned creature in return, and Tei'serin didn't know what a suitable offering might be. Still. She wasn't as helpless as she had initially thought. For that matter, it wasn't as if she was going to be looking for a fight. She was a healer, not a fighter. With any luck, she wouldn't have to fight again.

"Who says that you can't?" Rue asked.

Tei'serin looked at her with wide eyes. Had the healer read her mind somehow?

"You won't be able to fight as you once did, no. Not in your current condition, at least. But you still have one good arm. There is no reason that you can't have a crossbow made especially with you in mind so that you would be able to hold it in your lap while in your wheelchair and learn to load and fire it with one hand. Or you could learn how to use throwing knives, or darts. Even a knife. There are things you can learn to do that will allow you to fight if you need to. And you will have the advantage of looking helpless. An enemy isn't going to expect much of a fight from someone who is in a wheelchair. But if you are determined enough, you will be able to give them one."

Tei'serin stared at the healer wide eyed. That was something she had never considered before. But it was something that she would consider in the future. Consider it...and do it when she could. Rue smiled when she saw the growing determination in Tei'serin's eyes.

"But before you can even consider learning new ways to defend yourself, you will need to master getting around in a wheelchair and with your crutch. And in order to do that, you will need to build up the strength you will need to do that."

Tei'serin nodded.

"The next exercise I want to show you will help you build up the strength in your good leg."

Rue pulled the sheets down, exposing Tei'serin's legs.

"I want you to lift your right leg up off the bed as high as you can, and hold it up for ten trills to start. You will do this in sets of ten several times a trial, and work your way up to thirty. You will also gradually work your way up to holding your leg up for thirty trills instead of ten."

Tei'serin did this new exercise as it was described as well. When she managed it, Rue asked her to do a full set of each of the exercises that she had shown her. Tei'serin started with the one using the ball like thing.

"As for what it means to be strong...physical strength is a part of it, yes. But that doesn't just mean fighting or the ability to fight. Someone who is able to lift great weights or go for trials without rest in order to complete a task when needed can also be considered to be strong. So can someone who can overcome severe injuries or a serious illness for that matter."

Tei'serin looked at Rue and nodded as she kept count of the exercise she was doing in her head.

"But I also think that physical strength is only part of it."

Rue was silent for several bits. She looked as though she was gathering her thoughts, and deciding what she wanted to say, so Tei'serin left her to it. When she finished her set of exercises with the hand ball in her right hand, she switched it to her left hand. The pain was intense as every time she squeezed the ball, the movement jostled her injured shoulder, but she endured. Focusing on counting seemed to help, so she did that. When she finished her set of exercises, she found Rue waiting for her with a jar of salve.

"Rubbing this into the skin of your arm will help to ease the pain. But when you're doing it yourself, you will have to be careful not to get into the wound that is still healing."

Having said that, Rue applied the salve. The cooling effect was a welcome relief as it eased some of the pain away. Tei'serin set the hand ball down, and picked up the weight with her good hand.

"Physical strength is one part of what it means to be strong." Rue began as Tei'serin worked on one of the weight lifting exercises she had been shown.

"But mental and emotional strength is a part of what it means to be strong too. A truly strong person can work through everything that life throws at them and keep right on going. Thriving, even. That requires both determination, and a positive outlook on life. Specifically the utter belief that things will get better again. A strong person does not give up when things do not go the way they want them too."

Tei'serin considered Rue's words while she counted silently in her head. When she finished her set of exercises, she wondered what Rue would say about how she was coping if she knew about Thorin and the fact that he was holding her family's well being over her. She knew that she had never once given up. She wouldn't be alive if she had. And yet...she wasn't thriving either. She lived in terror of seeing Thorin again, and being hurt by him. But never seeing him again would be far worse, because he had her mother, daughter, and half siblings. Unless he told her where they were, or brought them to Desnind, she would never see them again.

"Is there a way to get stronger mentally and emotionally?" Tei'serin asked as she began the next arm exercise.

"Of course there is. Meditation is a good way to calm yourself when you are upset, and it is easier to maintain a positive outlook when you are calm. Having a disciplined mind can help as well because if you are disciplined, you can steer yourself away from negative thoughts if you start to have them."

Tei'serin made a mental note to try and improve her meditation skills. She also wondered if there was a way to learn how to become more disciplined. She knew that there wasn't bad at either, but there was always room for improvement. Especially if it would help her to be more positive about what had happened to her; both her injuries, and what she had endured under Thorin's "care."

Tei'serin was tired when she finished her set of weight lifting. Her arm ached fiercely, and she really didn't want to do a set of the leg exercises that Rue had showed her. But with Rue's gentle encouragement, she did. And when she finished the set, she was glad that she did. Her leg ached, but she felt a feeling of accomplishment. More than that, she felt as if she was gaining back some control over her life. Doing the exercises would make her stronger, and the stronger she was, the more she would be able to do for herself when she was released from the clinic.

Rue rubbed the salve she had used on Tei'serin's arm into her leg as well. Then she left the jar on the table next to her bed.

"Try to get some more rest, Tei'serin. Now that you know how to do the exercises I've given you, and I've seen that you can do them without help, I want you to do them every few breaks. You can use the salve as needed. I'll come check on you again when it's time for your next dose of medicine."

With that, Rue left, and Tei'serin gave the things that Rue told her some more thought.

[Jackalope]

]

Experience: +10 xp

Magic xp? No.

Collaboration: No.
Renown: No.
Injuries/Overstepping: None.
Loot: 1 crutch. 1 wheelchair.

Wealth points No.

Skillplay: Appropriate to level.

Knowledge:

Endurance: x 1
Strength: lifting weights can help to build up strength
Strength: strength building hand exercises
Strength: x 3

Comments

Let me start by mentioning that I am aware of the trouble this thread has proved to be. So kudos to you for sticking the process out and working to get things right.

This story is rather grim, and Rue, while she encourages adopting a positive outlook, also is honest with Tei’serin that her recovery is bound to be long and trying. I appreciated the theme and discussion of strength and what it means to grow stronger; you introduced that idea in the beginning and then brought it back near the end, tying the thread together nicely.

Thorin sounds like a terrifying and unhealthy presence in Tei’s life. She seems to have a superstitious dread of him, like he’s some sort of Terminator who can and will kill his way through a police station to get to her if she tries to appeal to anybody else for help, in spite of the fact that he is no more than Novice in any relevant skills. I sincerely hope that future threads aren’t dominated by this abusive relationship, and that Tei finds a way out of this situation. In fact, I would encourage you to make breaking with Thorin a part of a future arc. I would also ask that you not overplay his skills and influence going forward. He’s ultimately a little man casting a long shadow.

On that note:

Consequence

Rue will ask Tei probing questions about who she has in her life who can help her during her recovery, and whether they can be relied upon. She will *not* be easily dissuaded by evasive answers or vague assurances, meaning she will likely get some sense that there is somebody in Tei’s life that she is afraid of. When Tei’serin is ready to be released from the Order ward, Rue will accompany her home, and insist on talking with Thorin and anyone else living in Tei’s household to detail what sorts of care she will need going forward; she will not simply send her home with a note. Rue will also schedule follow-up visits to check on her progress. At the end of this process, the healer will have at least some sense of how things stand with Tei; this is hardly anything like round-the-clock police protection, but it does mean that Tei will have a potential ally and lifeline in her future dealings with her guardian.

Enjoy your rewards!