Ymiden 81st, Arc 720
Yana remained on the bench for a while longer, pondering on the words of the helpful monk. She’d been in his care for a while now, and though his method of helping her was slow and very hands-off, it did bear fruit. He’d been very particular about not interfering too much. She had to help herself, he had said so many times, because there was nothing substantial he could do. The monk was there to guide her along the path of recovery, which he mostly did by listening, and occasionally speaking some words of advice. Usually he just prompted her to think about something for a while, letting her discover what he wanted her to. The way she felt about certain events, mostly, to be true to herself.
The first step to solving an issue was to find the root of the problem. Sometimes it was easily done, and other times it was tricky. Not everything was what you expected it to be. The mind was complex. And so the going was slow. Slow but steady, and the Yludih did feel like she was winning the struggle. After all, no matter how skeptical she’d been at first, there was no denying that she found herself very, very close to the Void right now. Some years ago it had been difficult, if not impossible to go too deep into the forest between the city of Uleuda and the Void.
She smiled without facial features. Yes, staring into that darkness made her very uncomfortable, but she’d elected to stay close to it herself. That wasn’t something she’d imagine she’d ever do again. Really, she should thank the monk for his efforts, but she could imagine his stoic response. I didn’t do anything. You helped yourself all on your own. I just gave you a little nudge every now and again. Besides, it wasn’t like she was done with this therapy just yet, so celebrating and expressions of gratitude felt out of place. Not to mention, she really should find out what his name was too. Of course he had introduced himself when they began their regular sessions, but she’d not been paying too much attention at the time, too stuck inside her own head. He probably wouldn’t be too offended if she simply asked for his name, but Yana would feel too embarrassed about it.
An idea bubbled up after a while of sitting and trying to focus. Since she was here, at the scene where it all happened –more or less—wouldn’t it be a good idea to walk around a bit and get a visual? To be completely honest, she did not want to. She also did not want to think about the event either. But the monk had told her it was important to not run from accepting it happened, and she’d come so far already. She sighed, stood, and began to walk along the inner side of the wall.
From after the structure looked uniform, but up close one could see it was anything but. Originally, the wall definitely had been grown as large crystals positioned in a line. Those had been shaped and transformed into a less organic form, creating the imposing barrier that protected the Yludih. However, over the course of decades and centuries, Nulliem had breached it a myriad of times, eating away at the crystal as they walked right through it. Those destroyed sections had later been regrown and reshaped to fit, but their color was a little off, as the difference in age of the crystals was expressed. They reminded Yana of scars. But none of these she’d caused.
Where she’d fucked up, there hadn’t been a wall. Just a forest that gradually transitioned into the darkness. It might have been destroyed at the time, or there never had been one there in the first place. There wasn’t a lot of Nulliem activity in that area, so that could have something to do with it too. Either way, that had been the reason Yludih actually patrolled there, and why Quiome had been able to wander off so easily.
Yana recognized the location of her mistake immediately. She’d seen it time and time again in her mind’s eye. She cringed a bit at the sight, feeling her asterism twist painfully before it began pulsing faster and faster. Staring into the void was bad, but this was worse. The void had always been the void. However, this patch of forest had once been beautiful and pristine. Now, it was a ravaged mess. Still broken. It was like stepping right into the memories that haunted her.
Leaning against the trunk of a crystal tree, the Yludih focused on the small exercise the monk had given her, years ago. The visual of her own asterism, pulsing. It flared and dimmed, flared and dimmed. Quickly, as did the actual version of it. She shoved everything else out of her mind, concentrating only on the image. Trying to slowly calm the rhythm. A little bit at a time. Non-existing eyes closed to prevent unwanted distractions from interfering.
Time passed, the amount of which uncertain. Her asterism wasn’t racing to send as much light through her crystals as possible anymore. And now for the difficult part. Allowing herself to see once again, she tried to hold onto the mental image. It didn’t really work, so she settled for repeating a phrase in her thoughts over and over. The same she used to focus on her asterism. Flare and dim. Flare and dim.
Its effect was marginal. Her asterism didn’t listen, but it helped to stem the flood of memories somewhat. Not much though.
Everywhere she looked, there was destruction. Deep grooves in the floor, carved by Nulliem simply passing through. Long and uneven. They marked the path taken, a guide to follow if one wanted a tour of the mayhem caused. They were chaotic, crisscrossing and intersecting multiple times, not one straight line among them. Always curving, bending, as some other tasty crystal captured its interest, as another desperate Yludih fled for their lives, trading one Nulliem for another.
She couldn’t see where people had died. Those unfortunate souls had been reduced to dust, the majority of their bodies consumed by the Nulliem. Only some shards remained, and those had been taken after in lieu of a corpse after the nightmare had ended. So family and friends and other loved ones could pay their respects one last time. Even if she couldn’t see it, even if she hadn’t seen it, Yana could vividly picture them dashing past, bodies pulsing with fear and desperation. Chased by Nulliem, sluggish and clumsy outside of their darkness, yet fast enough to pose a threat. And largely unhindered by the environment.
She tried to focus on the phrase, but it didn’t help. She closed her non-existing eyes, but she could still see. The pulsing of her asterism, bright to dark, to bright again. Concentrate, concentrate. Ignore everything else. It didn’t work. They were too strong, too prominent. If only she could breathe like the fleshlings, deeply in and out to forcibly calm down…
Her sight returned and she began walking again, deeper into the destroyed forest. Crystal trunks had huge gaps in them, eaten away by the Nulliem. A couple sported a vaguely person-shaped silhouette where the voidlings had come through. Several had collapsed, the large trunks laying sideways on the floor, their stump still rooted. There were the ever-present Nulliem-tracks, having eroded the crystal ground down to the dark underneath, a mass of lines drawn by an angry toddler. Underbrush had stood no chance, dissolved utterly and immediately before the all-consuming denizens of the Void…
You’re not seeing, a small voice said. She shook her head. Ridiculous, she could see everything clear as day. The scarred forest, barren like everything had taken place only yesterday. You’re looking, but you’re not seeing. No, she wasn’t. She could see it all. The chaos, the pain, the despair. The razing of the forest, the deaths of so many Yludih.
But what of the present? The forest has had time to recover, to regrow. Just a little bit. The underbrush has completely returned. The gaps in the crystal are shallower, covering up the void underneath. Branches of trees are growing back, the holes and perforations in the trunks are closing. They’re not as big and gaping as they used to be. There’s the chiming song of crystal birds, there’s rodents skittering about. The stumps of fallen trees are growing another trunk, ill-fittingly thin on the wide and thick precursor. Soon, there will be no scars left to see here.
Yana saw none of that. There only was destruction and pain and desperation. Nulliem hunting. Yludih fleeing. Looking at her with blank faces, carrying expressions of blame. So did the trees, the tracks on the ground. They all stared accusingly, and she could do nothing but bow her head and whisper apologies.
This was not your fault. You did not do this. You are not responsible for this.
The Yludih echoed those words, telling it to the landscape. Her voice betrayed that she didn’t even believe it herself, and so the trees didn’t either.
Their silent accusations continued, and Yana ran.
continued
