Vulnerabilities & Strengths

[Faith Augustin]

65th Vhalar 717
Shortly after this.....

This isn't home

: Faith gets kidnapped

Gone

: Padraig mounts a rescue

Nothing lasts forever

:on a mountainside, they battle the man who took her...

Earlier on, she'd been outside the Medicine House, fully intending to go inside and speak to the people there, when she'd seen Alexander. Or, more precisely, she'd thought she had. The Sev'ryn man who had looked nothing like her abductor had been utterly confused by her behaviour. Faith, in turn, had found herself unable to breathe and in a state of absolute panic. She ignored the advice that she would go and seek help from the Sev'ryn here, instead she walked back to the Inn where they were staying. He knew, already, that something was not right. He could feel what she felt, after all. If they were in Scalvoris, Padraig would have known the route she was taking and nothing would have kept him in the room. However, here in Desnind they didn't know the place; they would be as likely to miss each other. So, of course, he'd been at the door to the Inn, standing there waiting to meet her.

Faith had, upon seeing him, simply run to him and wrapped her arms around him in a hug. "I'm fine, I am. I don't want to make a fuss, I don't want you to worry. I'm so sorry." Faith hated worrying him, hated making him feel anything other than positive things. She knew that there were two edges to the gifts they had been given - the ability they had to know what each other was feeling - right now he was feeling the unpleasant side of it. Her hand lifted to stroke his cheek. "I'm fine, really. Especially now."

He was keen to usher her up into the room and Faith had no issues at all with that. Since her kidnapping, Padraig had been more protective of her. Then, after they'd found out that she was pregnant, more still. Right at this moment, she totally understood why and they were both heading to the same place at the same pace. Once they were there, she sat on the bed and took his hand in hers. "I saw... I thought I saw Alexander," silver eyes watched him with earnest expression. "I couldn't breathe. It wasn't him, just a kind man trying to help a pregnant woman. But I thought he was him, I thought he was reaching for me." She didn't hide it from him, telling him it all. How she'd shouted at the Sev'ryn, telling him that she'd never let him touch her. "Thankfully, I don't think he spoke Common." It was a poor attempt at humour, Faith knew, but it was all she could do.

"I've.. a few times now, I've thought I'd caught sight of him," she admitted. Looking at him she sighed, "when we were looking at the temple to see about the wedding there. But it was different." Faith did not doubt that it was very different. "As soon as I saw movement, I just had a fear reaction. I put it down to a case of nerves. But Padraig, I saw his face as clearly as I see yours now and it wasn't real." Looking down at her hands, Faith pressed her fingertips together, pad to pad as she attempted to push all her emotions in to them.

[Padraig]

He'd known in advance that Faith was going off on her own, but knowing didn't mean liking it. She wouldn't be long, and after having done some exploring already together and getting to know the people a little, Padraig had come to feel that Desnind was a close knit community where everyone seemed to know one another. And as a result, watch over each other. Even though they hadn't been here long, their faces were familiar to the locals and the locals had been warm and welcoming. It combined to create a sense of relative safety and truth was, Padraig knew he couldn't spend the rest of their trials together watching and looming over her.

So he'd stayed in the room and it wasn't long before he came to regret it. Normal couples sometimes felt a connection one with the other. But theirs was heightened. Not just as a matter of course, but due to the variety of blessings and shared blessings between them. Most of the time it helped, and put him at ease. This time, lately in fact, it was different. Even though she'd teased him about bringing some of his books along, the things proved to be a welcome distraction while she was out. Or at least he'd hoped they'd be. But the sense of unease was too great and Padraig was helpless to concentrate on lines of texts or lists of numbers.

He knew Faith wasn't in any danger. He'd developed a knack for deciphering what he was sensing. She was feeling something...unease, panic, racing thoughts and fears. But while the difference between what she was feeling and what was actually happening externally was subtle, over time he'd been able to pick the two sensations apart. Perhaps the knack was due to his being attuned to many things scientific. It didn't help though, not with the sense of unease. So soon enough, he put his book aside and walked downstairs to wait for her.

A sense of relief, the extent of which he'd only felt a few times before, washed over him as Faith appeared and fell into his arms. He could feel her trembling and it felt as if she had just outrun a demon. But not one with form or substance. This one he suspected she hadn't outrun completely, having been conjured up in her mind. It was no less real, he knew. And when they were upstairs again, he sat down beside her as she took hold of his hand. "I know," Padraig said when she told him she'd seen Alexander. Or at least, since that moment in the temple, he'd come to suspect what the problem might be. And little wonder, those events were never far from his mind either, though he tended to push them to the side to focus on other things, and suspected she'd done the same.

Maybe in retrospect it hadn't been the best course to take. "When I was little," he told her, holding her gaze with his. "The shadow play in my room played havoc with my imagination. I was convinced there was a monster in the corner, near the closet door that only came out at night. Even then, the part of me that would become a scientist understood that it was just an illusion, couldn't win out. And no matter how many times Cyrus shined a light in the corner to show me, I wasn't convinced. It wasn't there. It was never there," he explained. "But in the way that mattered then, it didn't mean that it wasn't there. And it was just as real."

It took time, he added then, no matter what Cyrus told him, no matter what he knew to be true, to come to the conclusion in his own mind that it was his imagination at work. And it was only then that he stopped being afraid. "It hasn't been that long, Faith. And even though I was able to describe that demon from his red flashing eyes right down to his clawed toes, it was never real. But the monster you've been seeing, he was as real as you and me. The hold he has on you, on me too sometimes, is no more than what we allow him to have. He's dead and he's not coming back. It'll take time. But shine a light in the corner, and just like that shadow, he's gone."

[Faith Augustin]

65th Vhalar 717

He knew? How did he know? Faith looked up at him and she had to admit to being more than a little surprised. She shouldn't be, she knew, he put together clues and solved riddles constantly, yet how could he know? Faith had a hundred questions, that being the case ~ how did he know, how long had he known, all of these things. She didn't ask them, though, there was no need to. It was an exercise in futility when she already knew the answer; he knew because he knew her.

So, she said nothing as he spoke, listening to the story he told of the child he had been. How he had been afraid of a corner of his room, of the shadows which lurked there. Faith was intrigued by the tale he told, the window it gave her into him as a child. It was rare that Padraig admitted vulnerability to anyone other than her, and it was important for that reason if no other. As he spoke, a slight smile appeared on her face at the images he gave her, images which she stored away.

"You too?" The smile faded and Faith frowned in concern. This was exactly what she meant, why she was sorry and worried about more than herself. In truth, this worried her because of and for him and the baby which was nestled under her heart. She had to be better at putting it to one side, had to be better at pushing it away. Not doing so was harming him and the stress it gave her could pass to the baby. Faith couldn't allow that, couldn't let that happen but the frustration she felt at herself for not being able to manage what she should, in her eyes, be able to do was growing.

He worried about her, she knew. If it was down to him, he would not leave her side but Faith knew that Padraig had to live his life, she couldn't hold on to him and hold him back. He had a job and his studies. She looked down at her hands, trying to just do what she had always done, always been able to do; to push it in there, to hold it and then just let it go. Yet she couldn't and Faith knew why.

"I've tried, Padraig." To shine a light, she meant. She'd tried and failed and she honestly didn't know what to do. What she knew, though, was that she would have to work it out and do so quickly. "I hate this. I hate feeling vulnerable and I hate feeling so foolish." Turning her eyes to him, Faith spoke the simple truth; there was no point to anything else, he knew anyhow. "I feel like I'm letting you down. I should be able to deal with this without bothering you about it." It was so ingrained in her, not to cause a fuss not to make things difficult for others. Sometimes, she knew, she was still trapped by that.

But it was a trap. Nothing more, nothing less.

The pads of each digit turned white as her fingers pushed hard against each other. It was another technique, of course. Faith knew that she had to speak, to explain. Because not telling him was the worst thing that she could do; it was what a slave did. A slave did not sleep, to do the difficult and unpleasant jobs before their owner awoke. If they had a problem or an issue, a slave dealt with it alone to not bother their owner and keep functioning efficiently. That was not what a wife did, Faith knew. It wasn't what this man who she loved so much, her husband wanted or needed from her and it wasn't who she wanted to be. Not with him, not ever with him. So, as much as she wanted to give him platitudes and promise him that it was fine, she didn't.

"But there are monsters in the shadows. There always were," if he could, he'd give her a different truth. But he couldn't. "And he'd been dead a long time. Death isn't final Padraig, I know that. I see it, experience it every trial. What if I saw his spirit, his soul? What if he's haunting me?" It would add up, she pointed out. It would make sense in a way that was horrifying to her because it made sense. "If he is, I can see him, hear him and I can't force him back, can't push him away." Not unless the spirit wanted to go. Faith was quick to point out that she didn't think that was happening, but it could be. She looked at him, then, and her concern was more than evident. "You said you too, sometimes," she pointed out and asked what she had to ask. "How? Because if we're not letting me get on with it and just work it out without bothering the free folk, then the free folk can fess up, too."

[Padraig]

'You too? Faith asked him, and Padraig smiled and squeezed her hands gently in his. "Of course. And why wouldn't I? But not in the way that you have." No. The lingering feelings and memories of what she'd gone through came back to him in different ways, and for somewhat different reasons. Or at least, the reasons combined and formed into something else entirely. His imagination wasn't tilting with shadows. Not like her.

"You're not being foolish. Not letting me down or bothering me," he told her. "I need to know if there's something going on." It meant, he reasoned, that she was fighting something that, because she fought instead of just accepting that it was happening and dealing with that, that the more she fought, the more it haunted her as a result. "Before you can chase off a shadow, you have to acknowledge its there and call it by name," he suggested.

He knew that death wasn't final. But with her particular abilities, would she not know and see the difference between a genuine spirit, and ghosts created instead by fear and memory? "They're all ghosts I guess," he conceded. "And I guess in a way, the lingering spirits are no more difficult to vanquish than the ones that reside in our minds and imaginations." It wasn't the same for him, he told her. The man didn't haunt his dreams or his waking time, he didn't catch glimpses of him through the trees or in crowded squares.

"It was returning home and finding you gone. Not being able to find and protect you. Anger at the local militia for being, well," he said and frowned deeply. "Utterly and completely useless. Incompetent. Not getting to you fast enough." Those were the things that lingered, the things that he hadn't been able to shake. That, and knowing at the same time that Faith was experiencing lingering fears, and he hadn't been able to protect her from those either.

[Faith Augustin]

65th Vhalar 717

I need to know if something's going on he said and Faith looked at him and nodded. "I know. I'm sorry, I'm so used to just," she paused and considered. What was it that she did? She took it on, held on to it and let it go in her time when it didn't bother anyone else. But she couldn't do that any more, she couldn't do it with him and she couldn't do it with this. "You're right, I know you are. But Padraig, I think maybe the shadow I'm afraid of is me, not him." Did that even make sense, she wondered. His hands squeezed hers and she smiled and leaned against him. "I used to be able to put all my feelings in my hands. Hide them away." It was easy then, she explained. She had nothing to lose, no sense of self, nothing that she wanted or needed. Now? Now nothing could be further from the truth. "My life is so much more now. I have.. I have meaning, and worth. I have you and this." At the last, her hand moved pulling his with her to place them both on the swell of her stomach. "My hands aren't big enough and I don't know where to put all these feelings."

But not getting to her fast enough? Faith looked at him incredulously and she shook her head. "I never, not for a trill, doubted you were coming. I wasn't escaping, I was running to you." Her hand raised to his cheek, a frown creasing her forehead as she tried to comprehend how he could think that, even for the blink of an eye. "I knew you were coming. There was never a doubt in my head, I promise you." She could look him in the eye and tell him that because it was a simple and honest truth. It was simple, she explained. It was like the last time she'd been captive, her freedom taken from her. She had got free and run to him in the snow. Things needed to be said, not held back. It had been true then and it was true now - not communicating was what had caused so many missteps between them.

No more.

She agreed - normally she would be able to tell the difference between a spirit or soul and an illusion created by her mind. Except, of course, she couldn't trust what she was seeing so she just didn't know. "I want to say that I'll deal with it, but I'm not." Maybe, she thought, just admitting that was a step. It made her feel better to say it, in truth and she rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm afraid. Not for me, for us." No, that wasn't true. He'd undoubtedly feel the vaguely cynical smile on her face as she nestled against him. "No. For you. That if it happened again, I wouldn't be strong enough to fight. That I wouldn't be able to fight and you'd spend the rest of your trials searching."

As she said it, Faith frowned slightly. Lifting her head to look at him, she voiced the thoughts which caused that expression. "Which is ridiculous. As long as I live and long beyond it, I will fight to get to you. Because you need me like I need you. Immortals, Padraig, what am I even worrying about?" She shook her head. If Alexander was alive, they would deal with him. If he tried to hurt them, then he would, but they would face it together and do their best. They could do no more. Looking at him Faith frowned in irritation at herself. "I'm jumping at shadows and creating a situation. So, I have a new solution." That said, she took hold of his hands and looked down at them, her thumb tracing along his. "I'll put my worries there. They're big enough to hold everything and you put yours in mine. I can hold those." Lifting her head, she placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I'm creating it. I'll stop doing that, shall I?" It wouldn't be straightforward to do, she knew, but equally, knowing what she had to do would be a start.

[Padraig]

"Stop apologizing," Padraig scolded her gently. "You are not wrong for feeling what you do, no more than anyone else is. Feelings are not science and they are not fixed. They're transitory in that sense. For each, his or her own sense of what is and isn't." What she saw in the shadows and around corners might or might not be real in a sense, but in another, it was, so long as she felt it. In the same way, on a logical level he knew that he'd done everything that he could. But it would be a very hard try, in order to convince him differently.

She put her feelings and fears into her hands. He knew. It was a coping mechanism that had allowed her to survive all that she had from a very young age. He knew all too well, she'd be hard pressed to give that up now. Besides, they all had their own mechanisms for coping. "I know." She knew that he was coming, that he wouldn't stop until he reached her. Still, he couldn't help but feel that it hadn't been quickly enough, or that he might have done something differently that would have prevented it from the start.

"Of course I would have spent the rest of my trials searching, Faith," he told her. "But that's what we do, you and I. There's no use worrying about it. It's like breathing. It can't be helped." So she should put her worries there, in his own hands, and he'd put hers in his. As for the rest? "I don't think it's as simple as stopping, or telling yourself to stop," he told her gently. "It's there, you're feeling it, and to simply will yourself to stop is a denial that it's there. I think it will take time."

[Faith Augustin]

65th Vhalar 717

"I thought everything was science?" Faith teased back as he told her that she should stop apologising. He was gentle, but still firm when he spoke and she raised an eyebrow. "Besides, not all feelings are transitory. If it meant that the universe itself came to ruin because of it, if every soul and every thing was no more unless I stopped feeling what I do, I would love you still. There is nothing transitory about that, it is this lifetime, all the ones before and the ones still to come." Every now and then, Faith got snippy. This, it seemed, was it. Her lips pursed, though her eyes were mostly amused. "Transitory, indeed." Suddenly, she grinned. "Now, why couldn't I think of that to say when there were people watching?" Her smile to him was genuine; it was typical that she hadn't thought of it before. "They would have believed your wife much more eloquent, you know." It was a strange thing to call herself, still. It was true, in every sense of the word, but the word itself was new. Sort of.

Looking down at her hand, entwined in his, Faith considered something he said and then looked at him. "I know you would," have spent all his trials looking for her, that was. He was absolutely right, there was no point to worrying about it because it was as fundamental as breathing, for either of them. He'd spend every bit of every trial trying to get to her, as she would attempting to reach him. It was inevitable. Yet, their hands held there together gave her pause. "This time last arc, I used to put my feelings for you into my hands," she said in a soft, wistful tone, her fingers tightening around his. "Put them in there, push them away. They weren't big enough to hold that, either."

It had been all that she could do - she couldn't admit to the feelings she had. Now? Well, now her feelings of love, of happiness ~ all the positives she had in her life were hers. He was right, she knew, that simply willing herself to stop feeling what she did would not work, she had to work through this. "It must be a dreadfully difficult burden to have, being so wise," she teased him with a gentle nudge to his side. Her thumb traced his and she breathed out, relaxing in his arms. "We'll work it through together. You're right, I know. No pushing this away, pretending it isn't there." That would probably be key. Her focus was on fixing, mending and putting right. It always would be, not least because she had no wish to feel this way, experience these things. That wasn't going to work here, though.

Time, that was all they needed. Time and not keeping secrets from each other. Faith was coming to realise that she did that; never purposely, but she had a tendency to think that things simply weren't important enough to bother him with. "I'll talk to you about it, tell you if it happens, I promise." That would help, she was sure. Resting her head against his shoulder, she looked out of the window and was quite content to be still for a moment. "It feels good here. Safe, restful. I don't know. How long are you going to be gone to the edge of the world?" Faith asked, with a raised eyebrow. "We need to get you another pair of boots so you can come home immediately, it occurred to me. Once you've made your miraculous discovery and put your name on the list of famous physicists." That was probably a fairly short list, come to think of it. "We've got the scrolls, and the blessings, so we'll know each other is fine. I'm just wondering if I might stay here till you're ready to come home. But then, we've got a party planned for our supposed to have been wedding day. What do you think?"

[Padraig]

"Oh, but they are," Padraig argued when Faith claimed that feelings weren't transitory. "At least in some cases. For instance," he explained. "After we fell through Treid's armpit, I believed I could never love you more than I did then. But I was wrong. With each trial that passes, I come to love you more. It's like a vessel, a water pitcher that ought to hold a finite amount before overflowing. But instead, in this case, the vessel defies all the laws of physics."

As for what they might nor might not have said, he smiled a little and shrugged. "We do our best work, the two of us, when we're alone together. And I muddle by," Padraig teased, referring to his supposed wisdom. But it was agreed. No more denial, no keeping silent on either of their parts in order to spare the other of them worry or stress. It would only make things more difficult, extend the suffering. "Pretending only gives a dead man power over us," he said solemnly. Made it so that her abductor was able to torment them, long after he was gone. He'd rather not give the man the satisfaction.

"Good," he said then when she promised to tell him, should it happen again or should she continue to struggle. She felt safe here. Considering what Faith said, Padraig realized that although she'd had this moment, seeing shadows that haunted her, overall she had seemed more relaxed than she had lately, back in Scalvoris. "It's nice here," he agreed. "The surroundings, the forest, the way of living. As a people, the Sev'ryn seem to enjoy an uncomplicated life." As for his trip to the edge of the world? He realized that he couldn't begin to guess.

"It's simple enough to calculate how long it will take to get there and return home, even quicker with a pair of those boots. But that's assuming we don't run into storms or other delays along the way." Smooth sailing and obliging breezes, he meant. But when Faith referenced grand discoveries and fame, he grinned and shook his head. "Or, I could be proven so spectacularly wrong that I'll need to change my name, my appearance, and go into hiding." Was it a genuine concern? Maybe. Just a little bit.

She was right though. They had the blessings, the scrolls and in a very real sense, would never be far apart from each other. "Would you like to stay here?" he asked. It was something that hadn't occurred to him. But why not? Home in Scalvoris was taken care of. A neighbor was watching over Cosmo and Quattro, and as long as she could arrange it with the university and her work, then he saw no reason why. "Dates for parties are transitory,"[/i] he told her, referencing their earlier debate. Friends would understand, he assured her, and would expect nothing less than the unpredictable from the two of them after all.

[Faith Augustin]

65th Vhalar 717

"You are silly," she said, her gaze saying that she felt something quite different to what she said. "The vessel doesn't defy the laws of physics. It's just that us, what we have here, it's beyond comprehension right now. One trial, everyone will understand it and the world will be a much more beautiful place, because of that." She did not doubt it. Not for a trill. If people could but feel what she felt, even one percent of it, then they would be more.... free. More kind to each other. More. Just, more.

They had a deal and Faith had to admit, it gave her a sense of relief. The two of them, they were best together and since Alexander had taken her it had shaken them both. Not her faith in him, nor his in her. Yet they both regretted things, both felt the pain and hurt that had happened because of it; for Faith though what was most important from this discussion was clear. She wasn't letting him down by feeling what she felt. Yet, if she tried to hide it, to protect him, then what she did because of who they were was actually to just let him know that there was something she was hiding. He could imagine and worry a hundred times worse, a million times, more than she could ever put on him and so by not discussing it, not giving it the light of the trial, she gave it power. "I backslide sometimes," she said, with an apologetic smile. "I know I do. To not bothering you with it. To my issues not being important enough. I know, they're everything to you, sometimes I forget that." Sometimes, he did the same; tried to protect her from what worried him. Tried to keep her safe from worry or concern. "I can't promise never to forget again, But I'll put it right when I remember."

His trip, though, that was something which gave him anxiety and at the same time, excitement. Faith shook her head. "Never from me," she scolded and then she grinned. "And please, lets not go changing names. I only just got to be Faith Augustin and I like it. It makes me feel.." What did it make her feel? Faith shrugged and looked at him with a vaguely embarrassed expression and her smile told that she did feel silly even saying it. "I don't know. Whatever it is, I like it. Can we stay as Augustin, please?" Her grin lifted as she considered just how sure she was that his findings would change the world. Besides, she needed to be clear. Whatever name they had, it was theirs. Whatever he looked like, he and she were there together.

Stay in Desnind, though? Faith thought about it and she considered."I don't know, Padraig. I mean, I say it and I do so thinking as me. But I'm not just me now, there's the baby to consider," and it was never far from her mind. "I don't want to be teleporting when I'm further along, and if I'm on Scalvoris, then I'm closer to you. But you know," she had considered and she gestured outside. "Once you have that licentiate, maybe we should consider that this is a good place to bring up a child. Needs more education, too." There was a lack, as far as she could see, although the people here wouldn't see it that way. But, their base was Scalvoris and she had no wish to be apart one bit longer than they had to be. So, when he went back it was probably sensible that she did. "Plus, the medicine on Scalvoris is better. I mean, it's different here and Moseke is here, so there is a lot to learn, but general trial by trial stuff? Also, I have work." Although, next season when he was leaving she wasn't exactly working entirely so much as just hanging around to force them to pay her.

"I suppose we need to think about once the baby's here," she said, soft voice betraying deep emotions. "We're so busy and I love our life, but I don't want to miss our baby growing up. I think something has to give." She just didn't know what, in truth. Everything seemed important and nothing seemed able to be passed on to anyone else.

[Padraig]

"We have a deal then," Padraig told her when she talked about backsliding. "It isn't just you that falters sometimes. We both do. So we agree to do better, and together, when we falter, we put things to rights again." By by their names or by any other, they'd always be them together, he told her. Nothing could change that. "The rest is just detail," Padraig added with a grin. "And with any luck, the expedition will go well, my reputation will not be ruined, and we will not need to go into hiding." He was teasing her, completely. And yet there was always the possibility that what he'd find, would blow all of his expectations and observations out of the water. And yet, he'd recorded and based his findings on exactly what he'd observed. He couldn't have done it any differently.

So ultimately she wasn't sure about Desnind as a future home, though it was clear that she loved the place. And it would be a nice place to raise a child. "What they lack in educational opportunities here, I suppose we could help fix that, if they were willing. But I agree," he said, "Right now, well, I think we've got plenty of time to think about it. To consider our options and make the best choice for our family."

They were both busy. So many irons in the fire at once that sometimes it was like juggling and nearly impossible to keep track of. Did it need to be that way? He thought not, and told her so. Between the two of them, neither of them needed to focus on so many things at once. Work wise, cut that in half and they'd still be set financially. And ultimately, he didn't like the idea of their child knowing them from a distance or in short intervals as they passed in and out the door. There was plenty of time to make the best choice. And they would, when that moment came.