Elisabeth disagreed with him, when didn't she? He thought the world was a dark a dreary place where bad people did bad things to good people. He often thought his role in the world was to be there to stop as many bad people as he could before the end but these trials he wasn't even sure the end would really be... well... the end. Elisabeth seemed to have more hope. She was always more positive. It was never
his fault, there were always good things to remember. He knew that. Just as he could not forget the bad, he could not forget the good, but he had precious little good that had not been corrupted by some form of bad. Xanax, Isabella, children, even Rharne to an extent. He didn't lament the title he'd earned there. No Yari worth meeting could feel bad about that. He fought and he won. However he knew it was not meant as a compliment. Elisabeth was one of the few good things that hadn't been corrupted by something bad yet even thought Jacien had given it his all.
He didn't want his inability to give her the attention she deserved to create the wedge between them that it had created between Xanax and Balthazar. He had not had long to reflect on his new memory since the murder of Rhaum but now, sitting there and thinking about everything, he could remember every trial. He could remember ever slight that had compiled over time to bother him while he was an apprentice. Every time Xanax said 'no' or 'not totrial' and Balthazar resented him for it. He did not want that to be what became of him and Elisabeth.
Only one things struck Balthazar as odd when Elisabeth told him about her independent studies in Defiance. Flames leaned away from her? Fire leaned towards him all the time but it was only more proof that the magic would not function exactly the same for the both of them. She interpreted the space he'd given her as trust and he said nothing to contradict her. He thought of the space as a failure to be there for her, but he could not say he did not trust her.
That didn't change that he would do what he thought was necessary to protect her. Elisabeth told him a little of her own thoughts on Almund, mentioning that she was angry his magic had been suppressed. He said nothing more on it because she couldn't understand and he didn't want his frustration to rise trying to explain it. This wasn't suppressed, it was cut off entirely. He'd suppressed his sparks before with soothing but the binding on his wrist were something entirely different. He felt
empty. What was worse was that while she could touch him and see him, he could only see a fraction of what he had seen of her before. He had known her frequency and now all he heard from her were her words.
He knew what she was trying to say. He knew, or felt, that in a gentle way she was saying he shouldn't be angry because they still had each other and the island but it did little to comfort him. She could be taken from him at any moment just as easily now as she could have been before only now he did not have his magic to recover and protect her. Nothing had changed from how it would have been and he would not be grateful to people who had only put an impediment in his life. Rand and Kura seemed to think the Sparrow's people would make Balthazar watch while they killed her, but that was something they physically never would have been able to do while he had all his magic. Now... it was possible. They'd have been together on Faldrass one way or another only now they lacked significant means to protect themselves and grow. Then Elisabeth mentioned the ball and the man looked at her briefly.
"Don't ask me to recall that, that party made no sense." Balthazar countered before the exact moment Elisabeth was talking about came back to him. In hindsight so much about the ball confused the mage but it was only the impact of the immortals involved. He remembered dancing with Syroa. He remembered forgetting that Yeva was dead. That still struck him as incredibly odd. He had perfect memory since he killed Icarus and yet he had forgotten about Yeva's demise until briefly before her return. However Elisabeth was not asking him to think back on the many strange things that had occurred. She was asking him to recall the moment she'd tried to console him.
"I remember what you said, and I appreciate it." He paused, looking over at Elisabeth for a trill before looking back to the fire and listening to the hammers banging nails into boards behind him.
"But hope is not something you can give so easily." His tone had changed a little, from that of a sad man to a teacher. He wanted her to learn this before she had to experience it.
"I need more than 'we will figure it out.' No one in this settlement would have any hope if I told them and assured them that things would be fine. It is the building, the workers, and my constant presence that give them hope. My speech? They'll forget it by tomorrow, even if I never can. Not that it was much of a speech. I'll have to give a better one tomorrow." Balthazar continued watching the fire as his disappointment was slowly eaten away by determination.
Balthazar's brow furrowed and he looked away from the fire towards Elisabeth for a few trills before shifting back to the fire.
"As long as my shadow breathes, I will not speak my mind. I will choose every word I speak carefully because every word is being reported to someone who will be quite baffled when her pet psychologists can't figure me out." Elisabeth told him about what she heard from the fire. There was an empty smile on his face when he looked away and he gently prodded Elisabeth with his arm.
"Well that must be awful, now you can't even escape me when you go off on your own adventures." Or when I die.
