***
As it turned out, it wasn't so much the meditative thought that was difficult, but avoiding or canceling out distractions.
In closing her eyes, a whole world of sounds thrust itself into existence, something Natalia had never noticed before. The scraping of a chair in a nearby room. The slight tap, tap, tap of little feet, produced by…well, she didn't want to know. Even the sound of her own heartbeat, thundering away in her chest, filling her ears, diverting her from her already scattered thoughts.
Trying to block out the annoying sounds wasn't easy, but after several bits of concentrating, the young woman had some mild success, although she would have said it was more managing to ignore the noises than anything. Perhaps it would get easier with time.
The difficulty she had was
staying in that state. It might have been meditative or not – hard to say. One could close their eyes and say they were meditating, but were they? Natalia didn’t have a response to that question, so she simply pushed forward, longing for something elusive within the landscape of her mind.
Over several bits, she popped in and out of thought as distractions continued to rain down on her. Footsteps in the hallway. Banging on nearby doors. Shouting coming from outside the Inn. Natalia sighed, again trying to force the disturbances away, struggling to focus on something from her past. Something she hadn’t thought of for a long time.
Closing her eyes, she found herself thinking about her grandfather. Being fully aware of the life his granddaughter was being raised to lead, he had taught young Natalia many things, such as the hows and whys of social conventions, conversation and steerage of such things.
The man had gifted her, as well, with a unique tool he called ‘The Palace.’ As he had explained it, her ‘Palace’ was a mental exercise - a place she could create in her mind, to go when she felt unsure or needed a place of respite. She would build it, room by room, over the arcs. Adding when she needed to, or fleshing out a specific room in exquisite detail whenever the mood struck her. Mattaes Gregorios had been adamant about her doing this, and Natalia had complied, spending her formative, tender years on the task, allowing him to guide her through the exercise.
Looking back on it, her Palace had extended comfort during increasingly challenging times, having spent breaks upon breaks in the creation of a place so uniquely her own. Still, as time marched on and the young girl had blossomed into a young woman, full of raging fire and steel nerves, the Palace had quietly slipped away, to be forgotten until a time when she needed it once more. Had Mattaes known, somehow, that her need would resurface as she progressed into her adult years? She’d never know the answer to that, but at least it was something to focus on, and perhaps would help her remain within a peaceful state for longer than a few trills.
Popping into her mind was the first room – the foyer. Having lived in fine houses for the entirety of her childhood, the young woman hadn’t chosen to design her Palace with that aesthetic in mind. In shadows and darkness, her Palace was a place of perpetual night, with candles, lanterns, and fire the only sources of light allowed. Wrapped within the embrace of night was when Natalia truly came alive. Mattaeas always had called her a creature of night trapped in a world of light, and it wasn’t far from the truth, as her Palace confirmed.
Visualizing the room was a hypnotic experience that transported her back to the trials of her youth. There, wrapped up in one of her grandfather’s tight embraces, she had experienced the only expression of love known in her life, and the Palace was a way to connect to the memory of him and remember those feelings. The man cared for her and challenged the way she saw the world, ensuring that Natalia would be prepared for what was to come in her life.
As she moved into the foyer, the first thing she visualized was the hundreds of lit candles that littered the edges of the space, flickering happily as their mistress entered, welcoming her back home. Pristine white marble pillars, illuminated in the gentle warm glow encompassing the room, stood like giants, vanishing into the relative darkness of the high ceilings. At the same time, an abundance of sheer gold material draped down, caressing the walls with dramatic elegance, all blending to bring into existence an environment that was beautiful, calming, and breathtaking. And it was all hers.
Why did darkness feel so incredibly right? That was a difficult question to answer. To Natalia, there was a certain solace only found in the night. She would even venture to argue that one's most authentic self could be found there, emerging once the harsher realities of day and light faded. In the dark, she could relax, even if just for a little while. Natalia felt her body doing just that, allowing her mind to ease further still, bringing forth thoughts for consideration.
What came to her was odd, but perhaps she could rationalize why it came to mind. At one point in time, another had challenged why she left her family, simply thinking her bored with that way of living, affluent and full of herself, and seeking excitement. The truth of the matter was far more complex, although it was hard to explain to others. Excitement was only part of the equation. What she truly longed for was a purpose. Something to live for. For her time on Idalos to mean something.
As so often happened, an unexpected wrinkle had popped up in the grand design. Natalia's eyes were opened to the fact that she was the Mortalborn daughter of an Immortal, granting her, potentially, much more life than had been anticipated. But did that change what she sought for herself? That was unclear for the moment, but something about Etzos felt right, as if she, at the very least, was in the right place to start her journey. Perhaps it would continue there or take her someplace else, but she felt the most confidence there than she had anywhere else, so that was something.
***
Suddenly, a knock came at her door - Grayson's voice beckoned her to join him for a walk. Sighing, the young woman opened her eyes, fully present within the room once again, and her eyes flickered to the window. The day called to her, bidding her to go forth and do battle once again. That was all fine and well, but Natalia knew that night would always come again, and within its arms, she was truly free.
