[OOC] Machinations of a Rambler

[Patrick]

So I had been debating on a first topic choice for this, rather than being corny and going "Oh check me out guys, legit journal/scrapbook thread." Let's just say I have managed that pretty well in fact, because let's be honest and go with the fact that nobody reads pointless fillers of nothing.

Though... that would mean this thread would require full of somethings rather than nothings.... >.> and I ramble nothings a lot. Whoops! Jokes aside though this is seriously gonna be a place where I post something random or irrelevant, or just thoughts about personal things as well as whatever I fancy. Lotta ST related stuff too, like my fascination with certain characters and why they make me drool. That's a lie, I don't drool over them.

Anyways! First topic of choice! Nothing specific to refer to this as unfortunately, so... diddums part 1!

Lately out of the many songs I listen to when I write there are some that really get the groove going, one of them being my favorite bands called AFI. For those of you who don't know its an acronym for A Fire Inside, but that's digression towards the point of this. Two of their many amazing songs have awesome videos that I wanted to bring up in this discussion, each because of their own particular reason.



First is this one. Miss Murder which is the Director's Cut version. Very interesting idea to me because of the idealism involved, that being the one referred to as Miss Murder (naturally) in the video her self. Why does this interest me? Probably because its how cunning and tact death can be, and when you imagine death as a sexy broad like the one in this vid? Sold. Looking at the Immortals though I've discovered that Vri is in fact a dude, and his domain is actually death of course, therefore I'm 'sadface' and bummed about it to a point. To a point: because that's actually not a big deal. He can cover that domain all he wants, so long as she's works as an agent of him that'd be cool too. Plus... who wouldn't like having their character randomly find letters of incoming doom in their mouth? I think I covered the point of this one, overall though love this song and will always do; as this is the first one that led me to discover this band.



Beautiful Thieves has an awesome vibe when you listen to it that really sets a mood for me, at least when it comes to writing dark or mystery intended content in threads. The point of this topic though is the video itself, as the band stage a crime that would become infamous in the time that follows. Idea in itself is amazing but how it pans out in the video is so much more interesting for me, and in a sense it makes me feel inclined to plot and carry out some kind of event that transpires like the video does. It'd be a hell of a lotta fun, planning it OOC wise from behind the scenes to the elaborate IC heist itself.

That's all for this round, should be able to fish up more here soon. Oh yeah before I sign off though, feel free to add or post whatever junk- er, stuff you wish to throw in here. Cheers!

[Patrick]

Plainly speaking without sharing anything on it, I came to this site because I was tired of writing alone. I'm not gonna go in depth about it, as it's only going to fan the flames more.

Enjoy another song that I like to hear, helps me write sincere or even depressing pieces. I'm not gonna write for the night, or next few days probably. Got a lot on my mind.

[Patrick]

Wrapping up on the episode that is the previous post; a very good friend elaborated on something I needed to do. It should've been something I'd focused on from the get go, honestly I thought I did but I guess I lost sight of the intention. Truth be told I'd gotten so eager to be involved with everyone here, that I never once considered what the real story about Patrick should be. That only pales in comparison to how ignorant of the situation I really had been, so to those few that I crossed a line with OOC I'm deeply sorry for doing that. Some of you may not be sure who or what exactly, but it's honestly a lot better left that way as I'm working on the solution. Those that the apology this goes out to, you all know who you are and please believe that I really mean sorry.

Patrick was at first meant to be a lost drunkard when I started but with no real direction, and hardly any plot worth starting on period. With the way things unfolded this season he'd already become a deeply interesting character to have fun with, but in terms of potential he's still lacking as he has no in depth plot to go on. What should he do? Where should he go? I have no fucking clue honestly, I never once gave it a thought as I my only consideration was just to have him roam. Be a simple wanderer lost to whatever was thrown at him, the idea of the story itself sounded interesting but in truth its lacking any real character. What Pat really needs, and what I need to do, is set him straight on a course that'll actually define his character. Not just his persona.

So to the one who gave me this advice, thank you for being the one who opened my eyes. Rest assured there'll be many changes to come next season, and sure enough I'll know something that's bound to write out Patrick's story better.

[Patrick]

So I have been a HUGE huge fan of Legend of Zelda, even though I've missed out on many of the recent experiences over the years. I plan to catch up with them in time of course but that's not the real point of the discussion, rather than that I'm going to focus on something completely awesome and amazing that I'm uber excited about!

So pretty much when I first picked up a video game controller I was around two years old, it had been for the N64 and inside it was Ocarina of Time. I'd sat around watching my mom play it long enough, so I naturally knew what to do in the beginning to get along by myself. Eventually of course I had to learn how to read at an early age, otherwise I was pretty much stuck somewhere without knowing what to do. Once I defeated the first boss Queen Gohma, still remember that damn name, I was literally hooked on the series since then. Anyways Majora's Mask came out a couple years later and I was in for a scary fun time. I had a lot of great memories trying to beat that game, but I had no clue that later in life it'd became my absolute favorite of the series.

There are many theories about Majora's Mask and the timeline placement it carries, one of my personal favorites is that Termina and Link's journey there is a representation of the five stages of grief. By the Gods I could prattle on about all of that stuff, but what I wanted to highlight was something fan made for the game. An artist and composer who goes name or label, whichever is more appropriate, is Theophany managed to compose an entire album called Time's End based on the game, something he really did an amazing job with a couple of years back. If you haven't listened to his work then I implore you, go do so now because you won't be disappointed with it!

Today he had just launched Part 2 of Time's End, and OMG I'm like literally fangirling myself and trying not to pee my pants from excitement. Seriously though I'm like, dying everyone. Uber excited... yas... Aaaaaanyway I wanted to share it with everyone in case there were fans out there, like my good self, who would enjoy this awesome news. And of course I've another surprise to throw in as they've managed to create an animated movie. PHENOMENAL! Okay, I'm done. >.> Have fun with this new shit because I'm doing it now; Cheers!

[Patrick]

"Though I lie here awake, I wonder just how are you
I sometimes wish that deep down, there could be a way that I just knew
Even so it doesn't seem to matter, as right now it feels you're just gone
Still I write on and on, try and play that subtle little song
But there's the voice within my head, that makes me feel worse instead
Right now it just feels that you've gone.

I lie here awake thinking back on it all, ever since then it'd been easy to fall
But the silence deafens the cries, and there's a part that begs for little lies
Though that's not real nor shouldn't be true, the only thing I ultimately cared about;
was you."

Just something I felt like jotting down. I used to be good at poetry or so I was told, been years since I even thought about trying it again. Rereading it sounds terrible to me, and I honestly don't know how I've managed to keep it up a third time. Yes. I deleted this thing twice because I thought it that terrible! Either way its good to reflect on personal things in life, and what with the holidays coming I guess I've a lot to reflect on.

It's not like me to openly share this kind of stuff and I once would've never considered it, but I made a promise to myself a couple of years ago that I'd change that. So here's the result of that change, written in full word I can only summarize as a story. Not many know who I am outside of the forum, those that have added me on Skype either know a little about me or where I actually came from. I've written on another site before this for... practically four years? I'd say that's accurate enough. My career on there had its ups and downs but the few friends I made there were worth it, except when the time came where everyone left because of drama and issues, I had other things going on at the time to hardly even worry what went on there.

First I had taken the big jump to move to Nebraska. It was a plan that had been put back by two months, but in doing so I'd prepared to change the worries and anxiety I'd lived with in my old life. Ever since then the entire trip up here has been one hell of a nightmare, a rollercoaster of hell that just led to one event right after another. First my sister and her boyfriend help us get our packed shit and load it up, and mind you we had a pickup full of boxes and personal things, along with a dolly that pulled my mother's car; again literally stuffed full of anything we wanted to take. All our furniture and stuff we had, everything left behind was given away or simply left behind. We were going to start over up here, make a new life for ourselves in the process. Surprisingly we get up here and things are getting settled, we had an apartment lined up that fell short of our plans... so we did the next best thing.

We stayed with a friend of my sister's and her boyfriend as they were good folk, provided us with a place to stay temporarily while we looked for a house. It wasn't easy at first but we were hanging in there, then drama and stupid shit went down that led to differences between my sister's boyfriend and the guy who provided the roof over our heads. In turn we were still able to stay there, but with the new arrangement in plans things just grew more stressful. At this point I had no phone, no personal internet, and no real way to communicate with any of my old friends. Nobody really knew what was going on in that time. Eventually the guy and his wife landed an opportunity to buy their own house, a chance they couldn't afford to waste really. So where did that leave us? Well granted we have two dogs we weren't willing to part with, as my dog is my baby and I won't part from him for nothing.

Only a month old when I first adopted him and that was last year in February, so he'll be two years again in just a few months! Anyways no landlords were willing to provide us a place to rent because they either had 'bad experiences' with previous pet owners, or they just didn't like the fact my sister's boyfriend (Husband now of course) had a criminal history. Either way we were running out of options and sure enough, even though I still maintained a well working job, we wound up being homeless and staying at hotels the first week of October last year. We did spend a night at a friend's place here and there, but overall we didn't want to overstay our welcomes anywhere. So eventually we wound up camping out... for the rest of October. The best AND worst experience I've ever had, because lemme tell you something; when you've no place to call home it sucks. Its more than stressful. It makes you want to breakdown and give up.

But we didn't. We stuck together and then finally when November hit, we landed chance for a place within driving distance of my job. Its still a good 15-20 minute drive but better than the alternative, granted Nov was getting real cold real fast. So thankfully we had a house to move into, and best part was that we got to keep our dogs with us. November draws to a close finally and with December around, things are supposedly starting to look up for us at this point. Its cold but we have a roof over our heads, nice hot showers, working electricity and all the necessities. Two days before Christmas hits something happened. It'd blindsided us like anything we'd never encountered, as we learned that one of my childhood cousin's committed suicide. Why? Why would somebody who's only pretty much a year younger than I choose to end his life so early? Maybe after everything he'd gone through, after all the choices and bullshit he had to deal with, he just finally couldn't find a better way to handle things in life.

He'd done plenty of stupid things, everybody makes bad decisions in their life. Nothing worth cutting his life short over however, but it just goes to show that you never truly know the gravity of another's situation when you're no longer there. Apparently he'd been depressed over the few months we left, and naturally drugs only facilitated bad shit as they always do. So what happened after he died? All that resentment I held in the bad choices he made was gone... just like him. I regretted it too, regretted that I resented what he did and what he chose to do. Still it was no excuse, and didn't change the fact he was gone. We spent the next couple of months dealing with the reality that my cousin, somebody who I'd had with me nearly my entire childhood, was no longer with us in this world. Fast forward to the next month.

February hits. This February. 2016 has been a year marked disaster as people have died, and of course the next person I'm about to bring thus up with... is my dad. Yep. Not even two months after I lose my cousin, I receive an urgent call from my grandmother on my father's side. She was devastated and crying, and when I finally answered her on the phone she'd given me the news. Naturally I had to go back home for this, even if it was brief I had to be there to do something. This case involved heart failure of a sort, apparently whatever it was hit him hard enough he just dropped without feeling a thing. So naturally I'm left to deal with the aftermath of his loss... and deal with my own regrets of never getting to chat with him. The entire time I'd been up here in Nebraska, I'd intended to get internet and a phone so I could personally speak with him. Then just like smoke, he was gone in an instant.

At that point I was devastated. It'd gotten so damn hard just to focus on the things I enjoyed doing, so naturally I just withdrew from everything and coped with it in my own way. Sadly though in my brief visit down there my grandparents... who I'd thought to be good people, genuine people that I could never think poorly of... Well they proved me wrong. My dad had property, six acres of land in the hills somewhere. Its practically wilderness but its beautiful to visit, and they wanted to buy it off of me; with the medical bills and shit left behind pinned to my name. That kind of betrayal from your own kin? Your own blood? I suddenly remembered why I wanted to leave that damn place in the beginning, because no matter how many nice people you'd meet, everyone was always in it for themselves somehow.

Though I suppose that's the same everywhere you go. If you're still reading this and by now wondering if any of it is true, I can't possibly say anything more to prove that it is in fact true. For me its the reality I've lived ever since I came up here, and the only real evidence that I have to show is this here. From that post on down you can see the time of events match up, and sure enough those who know this site now know who I was. That's all in the past though, I gave up that place and that character period when I grew tired of everything.

I stopped writing for practically three months, and did nothing but play video games just to cope with reality. Eventually I would write a little bit to my novel I'd been working on, six years I've spent on this damned thing and I still haven't even got the first book written! Anyways I eventually just got tired of writing alone, and so I decided to try and give roleplaying another shot somewhere. Truth be told it didn't work out in the beginning, the first place I'd gone to had just launched, so hardly anything in terms of plot and content had been thoroughly developed. But it had been with old friends, which was good for a while... although I felt oddly distanced from them while there. So I tried once more and remembered I signed on here, back in April when things went to shit and I had no better way of coping with the depression.

I had no idea what I wanted to do, no idea where I wanted to start here. It was a fresh clean slate that I wanted to keep, and for the while it proved a little intimidating because I didn't want anyone to know. Not just yet. Thing is when you spend a career being a 'veteran player' elsewhere you tend to know it comes with a reputation, fewer people want to thread because they're caught up in their own plans, and the 'newer' folk either don't stick around long enough or were just intimidated by the profile. So yes I kept it quiet at first, only one or two people sniffed me out quickly. Though I thank them for keeping it quiet, if word hadn't gotten out about who I was already. I remember I actually admitted it in chat once, what a relief it was to know that it didn't remain a dark secret of mine anymore.

So yeah. That was pretty much the whole story, odd how I went from poetry to an epic recap over the last year of my life. Guess that happens when you've got a lot on your mind though, and with the holidays around there's going to be plenty of time to think lots... I guess the whole point of this thread is that I'm trying to come clean, admit that I've my flaws and personal fears about things. I enjoy the fact I can meet and bond with people across the world, and if it just so happens we click because of wonderful and intelligent conversations, then of course I'm going to learn to grow and care about you IC and OOC. Why? Because that's just the kind of person I've become, and I don't see that changing any time soon either.

Again that was a really long story, so if you finished reading that I thank you. Thank you for taking time to relate and understand, to empathize with the words that make up this story. Guess now I've only to sign off, have a happy Thanksgiving everyone. Cheers.

[Patrick]

So I got back home last night after work to find that my PS settings have randomly changed. I mean lately I'd fallen into the mood of making templates, so I've just been working on chugging them out to help pass the time. Thing is when you come home to find your presets for things like Shadowed effects, glowing outlines, and of course the useful bevel feature all no longer set to what they once where, you tend to freak out and wonder just what the hell happened to lose those presets.

I literally tried resetting them to defaults through different menus but nothing worked, so needless to say I just had to go ahead and assume a fitting default to make as my own. I guess in general it just bugs me that one little thing you expect to be there isn't anymore, and it just frustrates you because then you have no idea how to change it back or anything of the sort. Anyways I thought I'd share that little story for a moment and highlight the fact that I'm gonna take any newly made templates to my workshop on the site here. That way I can keep better track of what templates I've made and for who, rather than have to track them down later. Plus I think it'd keep me from spamming everyone with new random templates. (For those who'd like to keep their template threads to themselves anyways.)

Here's another short story for you; remember my previously long rant about everything I went through? Out of everything that has happened, I still somehow consider that place to be my home in the end. It was where I was born and raised, and spent the majority of my life growing as well. I've learned a lot while living up here and I love the weather, although I can't help but feel the need to hibernate with every damned cold front that blows through. Besides the difference in climate and water, which I totally miss the water down south because its fresher compared to the 'hard water' shit they have up here. It's literally impossible for me to drink because you can literally see and taste, I know who could taste differences in water right, different qualities within the water here and back home.

You can't even make proper tea or coffee with the water up here, and if you have lived in the South like I have then you'd know; sweet tea is literally a religion you drink down there. Like... no kidding. Up here people don't sweeten their tea, and when you ask for sweet tea they merely suggest throwing sugar in tea. When its cold. Drives me batty it does! Sugar does NOT mix in cold liquid peeps. Point being I miss home a lot nowadays, and what with everything else going on here, I'm thinking its time I might need to move back. Already its been over a year here and somehow, I feel like I should eventually just go back. Weird but at the same time expected honestly, so in short come tax season I might finally look into heading back down there. It's not a legitimate thing set in stone; but if I were to go on and explain all extra reasons that justify why I'd make a decision, I'm pretty sure many would agree that it might be a better thing to do in the long run.

I miss friends who live down there and believe it or not, some family members were good people every once in a while. Only thing I can say for sure is they'll definitely notice how much I've changed over the year, and whether or not they like that change is all on them when it happens. I've learned not to worry about what others expect of me anymore, that what I want and who I want to be is my business at the end of the day.

That's pretty much the legitimate short story for the post, it's been a topic that continues to cloud my thoughts often. At any rate I'm going back to PS and cooking up more post templates, to those who've read and kept up with this so far I thank you! I hope your holidays have been fun and kind towards you and your families, and that you enjoy the weekend as well as the remainder of your season. Gods know I'm literally counting down the days until winter!

Cheer!

[Patrick]

So I naturally have been caught up in something RL that I have to get a grip on, might be until later in the week before I finally swing back around. Anybody who wants to reach me can find me on skype or pm, as I'll off and on to check that but so far the week looks pretty busy. Will be back soon peeps, enjoy your holiday weekend!

[Patrick]

So far I'm convinced that Fates, or the Universe, whatever Gods forsaken power that dictates our lives is somewhat hellbent on punishing me this year. I thought I'd take a break to cool off from some personal things but today, I just learned that my great grandmother actually had passed away the day before yesterday. I have been a bit emotionally unstable over the entire week, have become a rather paranoid train wreck, and most of all feeling absolutely miserable and apathetic towards life these days. So far the one true element I had for the while I joined has gone up in smoke, and I'm ultimately left with nothing but feelings of garbage and self pity that I am constantly trying to avoid.

So what does that mean? Naturally this is the part where I give up, just say goodbyes and decide it isn't worth it. Done it before after all so why not do it again. Problem is though writing has always been a genuine fix for me, a creative getaway from the stupidity and depravity I always feel in life. I made friends on here and yes, I did something that genuinely screwed that up for a couple. I've repeated many times that I'm sorry, and that I'd do anything to make up for it if possible. Now though? I'm tired of feeling ass hurt. I'm tired of feeling period. I just want to write. I just want to escape reality.

I'd spent my better half of yesterday trying to decide on posting this, because deep down I'm a paranoid little ass who doesn't like others thinking he's pining for self pity. It's not me, it's not who I am. I had learned a LONG long time ago that nobody likes a person who's always throwing pity parties for themselves, but I figured everyone should at least know that things in my life are far from stable at the moment. I live in a house with my mother, sister, and her fucked up narcissistic husband who doesn't want to contribute to the house. He believes in 'traditionalism' and family which is bullshit, and worst of all he's a lying sack of shit that I personally just want to get away from at this rate. Life. Sucks. But you know what, I'm putting my foot down and giving it a nice 'fuck you' for a while.

I'm sick of caring, sick of feeling, and just want to stop everything. Yeah that's depressing, but that's my reality right now. I loathe it, I despise it because of the fact I work and live everyday and watch it contribute to nothing for me. My sister literally has two jobs she's juggling now, which is great on her part because if you asked me, I never would've believed she'd keep one job if you'd asked me three months ago. I'm done now though, otherwise this rant is going to blow up into a very stress related post about how much my current situation really does suck.

Once again for the final time; I'm fucking sorry to you guys. I made a mistake and flipped out, one lousy mistake that ruins everything we worked on together? That's fine. I pretty much need the time to figure out what I want to do for myself and my character.... I'll be checking in now and again of course, guess I like this place too much to stay away for too long. Hopefully everyone else has had a much better week and weekend than I, and here's to hope the next stupid week looks up.

[Rumour]

Hi Patrick - First, I’m so sorry to hear about your great-grandmother. Sending love to you & your family.

It sounds like you’re going through a pretty rough time right now. One of the challenges with interacting with folks online can be remembering that they are human with their own OOC stuff going on, and so I appreciate you sharing your situation with us because it is a poignant reminder that you (and all of us) are more than just our characters or staff accounts.

The best advice I can offer would be to focus on the writing. Ignore the OOC stuff for a while – building friendships, chatting on Skype, etc. The social aspect of this community is part of what makes it great, but can also be a source of stress – especially when you’ve got a lot going on in your offline life. Focus on the creative piece: telling good stories and allowing your character to channel the emotions you’re feeling. Maybe it’s with your current character, or maybe it’s with a side character to give yourself a temporary fresh start.

Also, everything heals with time. You will be okay. You seem like a strong dude, having survived all that has happened to you thus far. Put your head down, do some writing, and keep trucking. <3

[Patrick]

Thank you. There's been no other words I can use to fully express how grateful I am to all of you, everyone has been so receptive and supportive in their pm's and responses that I just don't know what to say. Overall I look back on that post from last night and really I feel rather iffy about it, even if it had been just a declaration of what I'd felt at that moment in time, there's always some part of me that always comes back thinking that I'm just sounding pitiful.

Probably because I'm outrageously prideful and very insecure when it comes to personal feelings, but after everybody showing their support today I feel at bit more at ease about it. I've asked friends on Facebook to keep family in their prayers and so many have responded to that as well, that the entire thing itself just reminds of the time when I had to go back to visit home after Dad's death in February. It was so hard then and so stressful to deal with but everyone, strangers I'd met along the way even, were willing to support me mentally and emotionally through it all. Its acts like this that remind me that there are still good people out there, no matter how harsh or cruel the world and reality seem to get.

Bit more insight on the whole narcissistic husband part; he's a truck driver full time so he's away for most of the while, but everyone other weekend or so he comes home when he's off work. Behind him there's a whole different story I couldn't care to go into later, but more to the point of this post now that I've expressed the best gratitude I could possibly give, is that this is the third death in my family over the year. Yes my great grandmother Anne Louise Sheets died two days ago, she lived to be 86 years old so in a way; it was expected to come sooner or later. For me death is something best easiest to accept from the get go, and simply put one just has to move on by living with the reality of it one day at a time. That kind of thinking normally helped anytime a friend's relative or even one of my distant relative's passed. However when I lost my dad, that completely changed as I no longer knew what to think.

He was gone. Someone who still had half a lifetime ahead of them, who should've been around longer for when they'd have grandchildren of their own, was officially no longer a part of my life as they'd just suddenly vanished. It devastated me really because I had plans, intentions to remain in touch with him once things were finally settled up here in Nebraska. Either way I had to deal with it differently, and so my way of coping with it was to rely on video games and whatever else could distract me for the while. I've always been one to suffer from severe social anxiety and chronic depression, so for me to cope it was best to just keep to myself and in turn focus on accepting it.

This time... I can accept it because I know for a fact my great grandmother lived a long life, a good life where she definitely had her happy days. She was always happy to see me, always wanted to spoil me even. I remember the house she used to have, and sometimes I can almost count every cat she had while she lived there. Six or seven maybe? It's been such a long time ago, that my memories of that place seem fuzzy even now. Yet I know for a fact she'd lived a good and wonderful life, and I still have my memories of her as well as a few other keepsakes to hold close. She'd made an afghan blanket by hand herself way back when I was just a tiny boy, back to before I can even remember actually, and even though its quite large and heavy I still have it on hand. It's kept nice and clean in a sealed bag almost in the same condition, though I can't even say that, when we'd gotten it so many years back.

I can say for sure that this blanket has been through years of my life, been in my family since I'd practically been growing up. Seeing as how I'm 23 for now it just goes to show how long something can last, especially if you've got people in the family that know how to take proper care of such stuff. I'll have to take a picture sometime to share it with all of you, but for now I think I'm going to end this rant here and say it once more. Thank you! Words cannot express the gratitude and sentiment I mean in saying that, because all of you have been supportive of me and my situation(s) well enough. Ever since I've signed on and started writing, I'd been given nothing but positive encouragement from all of you.

So for one last time; Thank. You. I assure you that while all my recent rants and blogs have sounded 'colorful' here and there, I tend to lead a pretty boring life outside the forum itself. Will probably highlight those boring aspects in another post, but for now I'll leave off here knowing I've met good people in coming here.