7th of Saun, Arc 716
I despise such things as a 'personal diary'. So girly. The stigma attached to a writer of such things must be colossal; and let's not forget the scandal that often follows the personal writings of prominent individuals. Truths unveiled that should have never been. Oh lord, I have avoided this. But I have to write tonight... because my heart is racing and I don't know what else to do. I am a lonely man. I live by myself, I spend my days by myself, without a companion whether animal or man, without a friend. Without love. Without anything but my books and my tools. I mean, there's Damien, but it's just not the same - no matter how close I get to him, I'm always so far away.
He's dead, and I'm not. How much larger of a divide can there be?
This time though, I met someone, and they're not dead. They're not my next prospective minion, or my new political opponent, or someone I expect to milk me dry for my influence and walk away. No... this person is different.
...
Blond of hair. Tall, though not much moreso than I. Somewhat rugged. Attractive. He has a good look to him - certainly worthy of the attention he must get. But that's not what interests me. No, I've been acquainted with more attractive men before. It's not the looks that draw my eye. It's something else - I can't properly describe it. To call it the heart, the mind, the spirit would be wrong. It's something like that, but not the same.
It's an air about him that distinguishes him from everyone else, as if he's the only one around me for miles. I don't understand from where this distinctive feeling comes from, but I describe it as a fragility; a nervousness, a lightness of my head, a difficulty to function as usual. What is that? Is he some sort of agent of Lisirra, making me ill in his presence? It doesn't feel like illness, it just feels so... disarming.
And the way he looks at me - so dangerous. I should not involve myself with dangerous individuals. Individuals that make me feel like this. I have avoided this sort of predicament for all my life. But... I've also never quite been as jovial as I am now, I think. I can't believe it. It's ridiculous. Even now I'm all bloody smiles. No clue what's gotten into me, but it's scary. I feel. I really do. For the first time in so long, perhaps in my entire life, I feel good. And I don't know why. I was almost bloody assassinated! I have a trained killer on my head - one who's been trying to lure me into complacency! There's a civil war about! Everything should be terrible. Seriously...
But it's not. Somehow. Because of this one person. This one absolute wreck of a man. And there's no reason for it, any of it. But I feel good. I feel alive.
I said something I'd never have seen myself saying to anyone else. He said he couldn't say no to a pretty face - I told him that if so, he'd never be able to say no to me. Isn't that flirting? Oh gods, I don't know. Everyone should know by now that I'm socially handicapped.
This trial was absolutely bonkers. I'm going to need a heart surgery if this keeps up.
