roast session

drag me

A section for players to give reviews and feedback on other users' and their writing style. This can be in the form of praise or constructive criticism.

roast session

Postby Yndira » Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:11 pm

Hi, hello there!

Before you reconsider staying in this thread, please just take a moment to possibly drag me to hell and back. I have no doubt that my writing could use some serious improvement, and I have no qualms with being ripped to shreds considering I do that to myself anyways.

Current PCs:
Thanks and have a marvelous evening/day/whenever tf it is for you!
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roast session

Postby Altwing of Ehryth » Mon Jun 12, 2017 12:54 am

You were the first person to say hello to me when I joined today (or yesterday, it now being just past midnight) and so I decided to take you up on your offer of critiquing your work. Being that I am an award-winning Fantasy Critic. Well, it was an Internet Award, but it was from a former VP of SFWA, so very minor accolade though it was, I get to use it. :D

Anyway... I am reviewing [Krome] "There was another" which is here: viewtopic.php?f=196&t=6692&p=43000#p43000

I thought it was pretty awesome. Alexa can really write. I mean, she can really really write. I have nothing to say about her writing beyond that it's awesome, and if she isn't already a published writer, she should certain consider it.

Now then, on to Yndira. Just as good as Alexa. Though I'm a bit lost about the race. I admit I have no idea what a 'Naer' is, though even though that's my own ignorance as a new reader, a bit of exposition would have been useful. Anyway, I get the gist from 'feeding' and 'darkness' that it's some sort of vampire or zombie, perhaps werewolf, so that's okay. On the positive side I firmly follow her stream of consciousness, her attempt to find her husband at the Sky place. Not sure who Sky is-- is that the husband? The only sentence I quibble with is 'Those people who could not be afforded the luxury she enjoyed?' Personally, I would edit that to 'Those people who could not afford the luxury she enjoyed?'

The next post of yours has my all-time favorite line: 'Then the woman gave her name. It was inconsequential to the Naer. She would likely forget it once she left Alexa's company.' I suppose for irony I might change that to 'Then the woman gave her name. It was inconsequential to the Naer. She would likely forget it once she left ... the hunter's company.' But it really works either way, and is a very skillful way to give insight into Yndira's way of looking at the world.

I really enjoyed reading the thread, and look forward to seeing more of them!
Altwing of Ehryth
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