Vaughn's Mailbox

[Vaughn]

Feel free to put all letters and/or other postage addressed to Vaughn here. Thank you!

[Lorena]

Saun 20, 713

Dear Vaughn

After what was spoken before my departure I can't imagine you wanting to read this letter, but I wanted you to know that I'm okay. I had originally planned to go to an island, secret and away from here. Where I would be taken for a few days and pay someone to burn a manikin with my face and drift me off to sea, burning in the fire. Alas, fate saw to it that I have a different course.

Our boat was attacked on the way toward the island, it was terrifying. There were men shouting everywhere, fighting, screaming. I will never forget the puddles of red liquid that sept from the crew into the wood below. Fire, there was fire and everything happened so fast. They're all gone Vaughn, all of the dead on a ship raided by pirates all so they could catch a bounty for capturing me.

I don't know what to do anymore. All of them dead. Their families without fathers, without food on the table and it's all because of my fucking uncle. And yet here I am surviving on the shores of Ne'haer washed up and writing to you from a small, offered to me by a kind family who have helped me get onto my feet. They asked me who I was and I couldn't tell them.

My conscience forbids me to put a family in danger. I cannot, will not let anybody think I am alive... if they find out. Lords know what my uncle will do to bring downfall upon my own kin. Every day I want to come back and hold you in my arms. I want to cry and tell you everything... to feel you.

I hope you are happy Vaughn. I hope that life without me is better than a life is here without you and that you're smiling how I always loved to see you smile. Maybe you're right, maybe your life really is better off without me.

I love you, now and always.

Rena

[Lorena]

Vahlar 117, Arc 713

V,

I feel like i'm drowning. Every trial apart feels like a lifetime, it's so.... lonely. There's not a moment where I don't wish I could wake up by your side and feel the warmth we shared. Your words, they mean more to me than any letter anybody could ever write, it was never about logic. I love you Vaughn, more than my extensive vocabulary enables me to write onto paper.

There was blood. There was fire and I was afraid. I am still afraid. That someone will come find me, to hurt me and take me away from the possibility of ever returning to you. My heart hurts V, every day and I don't know what to do to make it feel better. Ever since I've got here I've been looking over my shoulder in fear someone is looking for me, I haven't even spoken to anyone past acquaintances so I spend my time playing cards, trying to keep my head low hoping nobody notices me.

After all this time I cannot bring myself to forgive to agree when you told me we are too much. You were the kindle that keeps me burning. The one that I could fall back on when I felt hurt or wanted to have fun, and now you're not here I'm lost.

I helped a child today. The poor little girl had no food, she was so sad and alone with nothing and I realised that I was like her. Just a big little girl with no home, struggling for food and water only able to make it by because of the kindness of other people's hearts. And in that moment I wished she belonged to us. To you and I.

Come and find me V, even if its just for a little while. I need you.

Love

Your Little Sparrow

[Lorena]

Ashan 83, 714

V,

An arc is has been, the days have been cold and my bed even colder. It saddens me to know that your mother is ill, I have spent the last thirty trials trying to find medicine from the far lands to send to you. Whether or not any of these ingredients will be helpful to her I do no know, hopefully they should arrive along with this letter along with the instructions and what they do.

I would have written sooner if not for the trouble I've been having with the local people. It appears that my habits have caught up with me. One of the men caught me cheating at a game of poker and I was chased down the streets for it, if I had not have already scouted the dark corners of this city I fear that I may well have been captured. Nothing changes here I'm afraid, but its odd. Life with nobody to talk to about who you are, who you were is almost about as dull as watching paint dry.

I've recently started sailing with some lads, taking up the name Rena. They're pretty fond of me. I'm fairly certain a few of them even have a crush. The nerve of them, they're all ugly and smell like they've not had a wash in months. When I tell them I've got a boyfriend they ask me who this mystery man is. I tell them he's a beautiful, strong man with amazing green eyes. A blacksmith and a sailor with a temper that chills me to the core and a heart more valuable to me than a diamond. That every trill is a moment to die for, a thrill in itself.

I still miss you. Send your mother my regards and please, take this gift. It's not much, but I spent a few cycles collecting the right shells and saved up for the string. I hope you like it.

You have my heart,

Your Little Sparrow

Note: Accompanied by package - Contents, Ne'haer and Desnind Medicinal Herbs. A crafted silver bracelet of seashells.

[Lorena]

Sent: Zi'da 51, 714
Arrival Date: 24, Cylus 715

Mature Themes

Dear V

I'm sorry I haven't replied in a while, I've been busy with the ship. The crew are shorthanded and I've had hardly any time to myself to do anything. It's still strange here without you, still after all this times. My loins are killing me and the men only make crude jokes or try to make a attempt fuck me if I even try anything below deck. So far I've managed to fend them off, It's hard enough to focus without thinking about you as it is.

I miss your anger, I miss your love the way you'd pin me against the walls the way you'd hold me or turn away from me and I could look into your eyes knowing you wanted me. The warmth and euphoria of the night we were first together that night on my birthday is planted into my mind, torturing me in my sleep. By the immortals this is so unfair.

I wish I could be there to the kitten, she sounds so wonderful. Make sure to give her cuddles when you're lonely and know that I am with you. Sometimes I look across the stars and wonder if you are seeing the same sky. It's kind of silly I I still wait for the day Peake Andaris is finally remarried to another noble and Veljorn's daft attempt at making me marry that man will go to waste. Thinking what he did and is doing to my family, I want to kill him.

Curses it makes me mad. That aside, did any of the medicine I sent help with your mother at all? I've been worried for her health and am hoping to see if I can find any rare healing cordials in Nashaki. I hope she is getting better. She has always been very kind to me and although it's hard for me without you, I'm glad she has you.

In your next letter, could you let me know what is going on in Andaris? I am not eager to stay here for long. I hate being away like this more than anything I've hated in my life. I've got to go now. By the time this reaches you I will be in Nashaki delivering goods.

I love you,

Rena

[Lorena]

Sent: 80 Ashan, Cycle 715
Arrival: 23 Ymiden, Cycle 715

Dear V,

This time I had a dream about you. You were laying in bed with another woman, kissing her, touching her while I sat in a cage. Watching the two of you. Just before you were about to fuck her you stopped to smile at me, holding her there while I starred back into your eyes. You told her to wait and come over, offering me your hand. I took it and as you knelt down you said to me "I will only love you if you get out." The words have been ringing in my ears and I loathed it, the cage that I was in but there was nothing I could do.

I was so angry after I read your last letter I slept with another man last night V, for the first time I have since I have been here and I felt whole again. He was gentle, oh so very gentle. Just like we had been the first night we were together. The warmth of the embrace, the closeness of two beating hearts and being in that moment I realised that when you told me to get out I had not thought you meant it. After all this time I was hopelessly trying to battle with who I was in fear that I'd offend you if I was eager enough to just go and sleep with another man because of one argument. I was wrong. My heart is torn because although I slept with that man last night, I too can't bring myself to feel shame. Not after that. To think I was foolish enough to prolong myself for you for that long.

Ed held me in his arms and asked me why I was crying. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell him that he was just an excuse to drown away the rage I felt in my heart, so instead I told him that I was happy. I told him that I wanted so much just to lay there with him and it was a lie. Somewhere in my heart I can't help but hope that this letter has hurt you as much as it hurt me to read your last.

Hate you? You must think that's clever. No, I won't give you that satisfaction. I love you. That's the truth and you know it. If we could meet in a dream I would kiss you, I'd kiss you until you tried to pull away and run. I'd make you run forever.

Run you clever boy, and remember.

Little Sparrow

[Lorena]

Sent: 20 Saun, Cycle 715
Arrival: 46 Vhalar, Cycle 715

Dear V,

I'm growing cold and tired of the bullshit you keep spouting about what we have is and isn't. Don't you dare ever think you have dictated me or anything I've ever done, what I do. I do freely. You do not get to choose which path I take nor do you get to decide where my heart will lead me. You tell me you want to set me free then you control me, make up your mind.

You twist my words like they were play things and it makes me feel sick. You told me before I left that you said we were too much, well I hold it to you now. You're a coward. If you're really that afraid of what we are then like I told you keep running. Saying that our friendship is a better is probably the most mundane statement I've ever heard. I knew that you were lost but I didn't know you had decided to grow boring.

You're an idiot if our relationship was built on love alone. I would have discarded you long before now if that were indeed the case. There are no words for what we are Vaughn, there are no sentences that can piece together the fucked up mesh that is you and I. Past all of this shit, the fighting, the fucking, the misery you are too afraid to admit for a moment that you want it more than anything. You're just going to push me away and wallow, like you've always tried to do. Go and fuck your women, drink their sweat and relish in the scent of their bodies pressed up against you if that's what you truly desire.

No matter the words that you have tried to turn against me or manipulate to change this into something bitter, I don't care if you hate me. You have always hated me. I know that now. So bring it on Vaughn, give me all of your hate. An eternity of it. Eat your fill until it consumes you. Remember that anger, remember that passion like the wrath of the waves crashing on the rocks. Just as I remember you every night when I close my eyes and smile, thinking of the ways you would scream at me if I were there with you.

You hurt me Vaughn. More than anyone I ever knew. Disbelieve you, well... you tried to strip me of everything that I wanted to believe in. We are not shallow, your resolve is.

All of my love,

Rena

[Lorena]

Sent: 30 Zi'da, Cycle 715
Arrival: Cylus 3, Cycle 716

V,

I'm sorry this took longer than I expected to reply, I needed to breathe and take a while myself to think, clear my head. No Vaughn. A long time ago I told you that you are not my cage, why won't you listen?

For so long you have been the light at the end of the road, the joy, the fun, the thrill, the danger and even now in your letters I await to hear you whether you are angry or happy with me. All of your life you have pushed the people you love away, you have forced them out of your life. You once told me it made you sad, that it made you feel alone.

I am not going to discard all the happiness we shared together because I was forced to sail across a sea. I refuse. Being rid of you will not free me Vaughn, it will only make life less worth living than it already is. We may be fighting now, but there is a lot of sweetness between us. We are like wind and water, sometimes we rage but I think in the moments it matters I want to be there for you.

Here's my confession: You excite me. Even when I'm angry my heart beats within my chest and I yearn for the feeling just to fight and talk to you. You make it sound like I want to leave, but the truth is I never did. You wanted me to leave. You're so contradictory, it's almost cute. I'm not really good at listening to people, I never have been and you know me as well as I know you.

There have been moments of lust where I have had men bed me, kiss me, touch me. None of those moments accounted for the time I had with you. Not one. That might not make a lot of sense to you, in fact I don't think you've ever really understood who I was even now.

I've thought carefully about your question "What is wrong with me?" and I've come to the conclusion that my answer is nothing. The only right or wrong that you give to any of this is the way in which you choose to measure it. I am not so narrow minded or insecure to think that there was anything wrong with who I was. The world has dealt us many challenges and this is just one of them. You also asked me what is wrong with us, I'm not really sure whose or what expectations your trying to live up to. It confuses me that you would ask something like that.

In hindsight we've survived. You and I. We're stronger than most men and women our age to have got this far. A wise man once told me 'Bitterness keeps you from flying,' and I think he's right. I may not be perfect Vaughn but I am strong, I'm stubborn, impulsive, rambunctious, envious and vain. But I can also be very soft and very loving to the people I love.

Everybody has abandoned me thus far and you are all that remains. If you know who I was, who I want to be and what I truly desire in this cruel harsh would, don't let me go V.

All of me,

Rena

[Lorena]

Sent: 39 Saun, Cycle 716
Arrived: 65 Vhalar, Cycle 716

Dear V,

I do not have much time. I just recieved your letter and I've spent the whole morning trying to find a ship that will grant me passage over to Andaris in a discreet manner. I have finally found one that said they will take me there, but they have not told me all of their plans. Hopefully I will be there soon.

Love,

Rena