February 1st, 2017
Quote of the Day
"A goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot."
Song of the Day"A goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot."
Dear Diary,
I've never had an issue with talking to people. I know that this is online, and that this may be read, but I have absolutely no worry about it in my mind. I like the people on ST, and sometimes it's just really nice to get things off my chest. Of course, I won't go too personal, but I think it'll be good to come here and just talk.
I joined ST back in September. I was sixteen, and I had recently had a pretty big betrayal in my life. I had been the owner of a roleplay group, not entirely unlike this one. I put my soul into it. I was always working on it, always thinking about it. My main character was a boy named Oliver, and his Face Claim was Dylan O'brien. However, I had been going through some stuff in real life. I live with my gran (for reasons I may talk about in a future entry), and she got real sick for a while. She's my whole world, and for a time I thought I was going to lose her. Like any reasonable person, I slipped away from rp and instead focused on my personal life, and on my gran.
When I got back, my group had died. One of my pretty good friends at the time had left, and she was a big part of it. After she left, more people left, until it wasn't enough of a group to salvage. I got pretty... depressed, I guess. It was a really hard thing, to watch something I loved fade away. I blamed myself a lot, because it had been active until I left. I was the main part of the group, I had the main character, and everything halted and died because I left. A lot of other people, people I considered friends, blamed me too.
I kind of retreated, for several months. I actually spent a good four or five months doing 1x1 roleplays with my best friend, who is actually on this site, too. You may know her as Ailluin.
After those five months, I went back to my group, and I tried to restart it. And I invited the same old friends- including the main friend who had left. I had been trying to start the same idea- new. I wanted a fresh start, but with the old concept I loved. Unfortunately, most people my age are petty, and drama ridden. A lot happened and, to make a long story short, the people I thought were my friends destroyed the thing I loved. I had to watch my group get torn apart.
I tried to find a compromise. The problem was that I had a new group of friends and the old group of friends, and I wanted both. Maybe I was greedy, or maybe I just hoped for more than what was possible. I tried to make both groups happy, blend the new and the old.
I later found out that my old group of friends had really turned on me. They wanted to kick me out of my own group, to take it over for themselves. They wanted to just push me out. They were... saying some pretty nasty things about me behind my back, and like in most cases, I found out.
I kind of was broken hearted. I felt like I had lost everything I loved about roleplay at that point. Roleplay was something that got me through some pretty bad times in my life (again, something I may talk about in future entries), and with my own friends pushing me out of it, I felt like my only safe place wasn't so safe anymore.
For the next several months, I would only roleplay with select people, in 1x1 roleplays, on google docs. I had lost my trust in group roleplays. There were a couple of times when I wondered if I should give up roleplay all together. "What's the point? It never seems to pay off. Maybe it's just a waste of time." I would wonder. Keep in mind that this wasn't the first time, nor the second- it had happened plenty of times where roleplays caused drama, and tears, and fell through.
Sometimes I wondered if the happiness my writing gave me was worth the horrible, gut wretching feelings I got when stuff like that happened.
However, in September, my best friend Ailluin showed me ST. We joined on the very same day. And I've just got to say that I've never found a roleplay like this one. Sure, it's not perfect. There have been some issues since I've joined- like all roleplays, there's hiccups sometimes. But I swear to god, it's damn near close to perfect.
I have never found a roleplay that is as rewarding as ST. I've never found a world that is as immersive, and as special as ST. I've never found a group that is as player-made, where players have just as much input as the mods. I've never found a roleplay that is so original, so interesting, and so breathtaking.
Most of all, I've never met people like the people I've met on ST. This is a group where I feel like I've made friends, people that are talented and intelligent, people that I feel comfortable around, who make me smile and laugh day in and day out. ST feels like a family, and I very much want to be part of this family for as long as I can be.
I had a hiatus from ST, from early October (right after my seventeenth birthday on the twelfth), because of some life drama. I may talk about it in a future entry, but it was a lot to do with the holidays bringing my family together and it didn't end that well. Actually, it's currently still a big issue in my life.
On January 12th, a thursday, I was admitted to the hospital. I had been having horrible chest pains- so bad I couldn't even sit up out of my favorite chair in the living room. I was in the hospital for just about a week after being told that I had Keto-Acidosis, which basically means I was in a diabetic crisis.
Before this, I hadn't even known I was diabetic. They say it's usually misdiagnosed in teenagers. For a week, my life changed. I was taught how to deal with diabetes for the rest of my life. My gran couldn't stay at the hospital with me, and most of my family wasn't able to be around, so much of the time I was alone. It was the first time I'd ever been in the hospital, and the first time I'd been away from home for a week without family.
I can easily say it was a scariest, worst week of my entire life. And I know people have gone through worse, so I'm sure I sound like a wimp saying this. But so I was a wimp. It was still something that I never want to go through again. I've never been a very brave person. When I was little, I was too scared to ride a bike because the first time I did, my aunt let go and I fell, and the bike handle was so close to my face it could have taken out my eye. I never learned to ride a bike after that. I also never liked sleeping in my own room, so I used to sleep with my gran (and since my grandpa died, I have resumed sleeping with her, taking up his side of the bed, so she doesn't have to sleep alone after 38 years of marriage). That and many other things make me not brave.
It was a few days after I got home from the hospital that Incubus messaged me on skype. He reminded me of ST, and I came back. After my experience in the hospital, ST was like a shot of happy right into my heart. To see all the wonderful people again, who were just as welcoming as they were when I first joined, had me in tears of joy. To hear I had been missed meant more than I can explain.
Coming back to ST has made my life better than it has been in the entire time I was away. Jumping back into things was easy, and I've been busy with ST ever since. I feel like after problems with my own family, I've come home to a second family, and I don't know how to express how important that is. If I can stay here for a good long while, and continue to rp, and develop, and talk to such amazing people every day....
I think this is the start of a much happier year than 2016 was.